


Smile, no one cares about how you feel

by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Brotherly Love, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Falling In Love, Fremione - Freeform, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Schizophrenia, Self-Acceptance, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, Underage Smoking, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2018-08-23 05:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 55,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8315158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter/pseuds/TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter
Summary: Fred couldn't really recall when he started to feel so… empty, but at the same time lost. He didn't just wake up one day starting to feel like this. No, the demon's´ dirty hands sneaked up on him little by little everyday. First it was just a few simple insecurities that he didn't think much about, like that he maybe should lose some weight. But when did the cold feelings grow to this level? The feeling feels slightly familiar though… have he felt like this a long time ago? Why? And you doesn't anyone notice anything? Do they even care about him? Not even George? At least HE should notice that something´s different about the other half of the great pranksters? Or is it like they say, that no one really cares about you unless you're happy?





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This story have trigger warnings and some people might not like my writing. I'm aware of that. Tell me to kill myself and call me pathetic in the comments belov haha.  
> I'm reposting this from another account with the same name

The twins groaned at the same time when they heard a furious knocking on their bedroom door. "Wake up!" They heard their little brother Ron shout from the other side. "Mum told me to fetch you, it's time for breakfast. You better come down before she comes up here herself". None of them moved before at least ten minutes after Ron had returned to the kitchen. George opened his eyes and sat up in bed. He rubbed his eyes before stretching his back until he heard a satisfying pop. "What time is it", asked he with a rusty morning voice. "How am I supposed to know?" asked Fred irritated before sitting up. "No need to be rude". "No need to be stupid". "Touché", answered George and both chuckled before getting out of bed.

* * *

 

"Can you cover up for me?" asked George when the twins returned to their room after breakfast. Fred scrunched up his face in disgust but nodded anyway. "You know, they´ll find out some day about your new  _ habit _ ". George poked his tongue out at him while getting a package of cigarettes from their wardrobe. "This is not the most troublesome thing I have ever done", answered he and closed the wardrobe door. "And people say that I'm the impulsive one", muttered Fred and George laughed. "You still are, this is just an exception", said George before leaving their room to have a smoke or two somewhere on their yard. Fred sighed before leaving for the bathroom. He disliked that George was smoking but it's not like it was any of his business, at least not in George´s opinion.

Fred locked the bathroom door, stepped out of his clothes and took a quick shower. When he was finished, he was just about to get dressed again but stopped moving when he caught the sight of his reflection in the full body mirror. Something was…  _ different _ . Frowning, he reached out with his hand to touch the cold glass. But as soon as his fingers made contact with the surface there was like a quick lightning in his head. It could only have lasted for less than a second but it felt longer. Lightning, darkness, a child screaming and then he found himself on the bathroom floor. "What the bloody hell was that?" he asked himself confused while standing up. " _ I must be more tired than I though",  _ thought Fred.

Fred returned to his room and sat down on his bed, George returned shortly after. Surprisingly, Fred couldn´t smell any cigarette smoke. Instead he felt strongly of another familiar smell… "Did you drink a bottle of soap to mask the smell, or what?" asked he teasingly and George glared at him. "I had no other choice! I didn't have time to brush my teeth before mum arrived!" "I wonder what´s gonna kill you first, the cigarettes or the soap". "And I wonder what´s gonna kill  _ you _ first, me with a wand or me with a knife". Both laughed. "Mum baked cookies, let´s get some", said George but Fred shook his head. "You already know that I´m trying to be more carefull with what I eat", answered he and started to play with the hem of his shirt. "Healthy Fred is boring", groaned George and Fred laughed. "We´ll see who´s boring in 20 years when I´m admired by hundreds of girls while you accidentally roll over them like the blob you´ll be". "You´ll be the first one I'll roll over", threatened George and poked his tongue out at Fred before leaving the room. Fred sighed and laid down. He had started eating less last month when he noticed that he couldn´t fit in one of his shirts. His mum claimed that she accidentally shrank it while washing it, but still, it made him think. It´s not like it's the first time someone or something pointed out his weight… at least his weight compared to his brothers´. He knew that he was by no means fat but his siblings were either slimmer than him or more muscular… which made him the lazy and fat one of the weasley siblings… he couldn´t deny that he was lazy though.

It would be a little harder to follow his new diet tomorrow because today was the last day of summer holiday. He would probably gain more pounds thanks to all the delicious food at Hogwarts which bummed him out a lot but hopefully he would be able to have at least a little control over himself.

* * *

 

Fred woke up with a scream in the middle of the night. Thankfully, he was lying on the ground with his face buried in the tangle of sheets around him so nobody heard… not like it was anybody there to hear his scream to begin with. His gaze landed on George´s empty bed and then to their window. It was still dark outside, which meant that George probably was in the bathroom or something.

It took Fred at least 15 minutes to untangle himself from the red bed sheets and not without almost choking to death at least six times. He sat down on the bed with his feet on the ground and buried his head in his hands. This was the third time this week, the third time he had this weird dream. A dream about trying to reach a familiar door but the closer he get, the heavier his body feels and it gets harder and harder to see. Why did the dream scare him so much? Normally it would just be bloody annoying but he always wake up with his heart up his throat.

He looked at the watch and saw that he didn´t have to get up for another four hours. He was exhausted but didn´t want to go back to sleep just yet. Maybe it would help if he talked to George about it? He would probably make fun of him at first but would still help him. That´s just how a macho relationship between brothers are.

He decided to wait but when George didn´t show up for another hour he got a little worried and went to see what was going on. He pressed his ear on the locked bathroom door and could clearly hear that someone was in there. The strong soap smell was a dead give away too. "Hey soap breath, what´s taking you so long? I need to talk to you". asked Fred while knocking on the door. The movement behind the door stopped. "Georgie?" said Fred hesitantly when he didn´t get an answer. Mentioning his name seemed to snap him out of it and the movements was heard again but much faster. "I hope you´re not jerking off in there while I´m talking to you because that´s gross", joked Fred and chuckled. "Oh you wish", was the answer he got but George´s voice sounded a little more off than usual. "Are you alright in there?" asked Fred just a little more seriously and got a snort in reply. Fred was just about to ask again when the door slammed open, hitting Fred hard in his head so he stumbled backwards a few steps. "Ow", said he and covered the place on his forehead that surely would bruise. He looked up and was just about to complain to George but stopped himself when he saw his twin brother´s eyes. They had a distant look to them and looked...  _ different _ . "Did I hit you with the door?" asked George when he saw what state Fred was in. "No, I banged my head in the wall", answered Fred sarcastically. "I take your remark as a sign that I didn´t hurt you too bad", answered George and Fred glared at him. "I´m fine enough to give you a similar bruise!" threatened he. "A similar one? Aren´t we identical enough?" asked George before returning to their room. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" asked Fred but got no response. He sighed before entering the bathroom, might as well check the damage. He stood in front of the mirror and brushed some hair from his forehead. He could already see a bump forming. "I´ll get him for this", murmured Fred angrily. " **_Get him for what?"_ ** "For ramming the door in my head of course!" " **_You shouldn´t have stood there saying mean things to him without thinking about the possibility of him reacting in a negative way"._ ** "I didn´t say mean things to him, only harmless nagging… ". " **_Didn´t seem like it. That you got the door in your head was only karma´s way of punishing you for it"._ ** "Karma?" " **_Yeah you know, do something bad and karma will make something bad happen to you"._ ** "Sounds stupid". " **_You know I´m right"._ ** Fred snorted and shock his head. "Sure thing lad", said he before turning off the light and leaving the bathroom.

George was fast asleep when he returned to their room. He was laying on his back with his hands folded over his stomach and had a peaceful expression on his face. " _ That goes my plan about talking about my bad dream",  _ thought Fred before crawling underneath his covers and laid down so his back was facing George. " _ Could the thing about karma be true? No way!".  _ Fred might be someone who practise magic in a world with gnomes, vampires and other similar things but karma sounded like some stupid superstition. " _ But I guess I can let this one go, I did annoy George after all".  _ Fred rolled over on his back so he was staring at the ceiling. For being one of the most irresponsible weasleys in the family, he sure thought things over a lot. It´s not like this was such a big deal.

He looked over at George and couldn´t help but stare at his rising and sinking stomach. He looked back at his own and thought that his stomach was higher up than George´s. Hopefully his new diet would pay off.

* * *

 

Already fourth third year at Hogwarts, it was kind of hard to believe. The Weasleys stood on the platform and the train had just arrived. Fred and George bid their family farwell but it took several minutes before Molly actually let them leave. It took a lot of struggle and a a pointy stick but they managed to get on the train at last. "She knows that she have to let us go one day, right?" asked Fred and George shook his head. "Mother? Never".

They found their friends Lee, Katie Bell and Angelina argumenting and decided to join despite they had no clue about the subject of the conversation. It didn´t take long for Fred to zoom out though. The events from the night was still fresh in his head. The dream, George´s behavior and… and that voice. It sounded familiar but he didn´t know anyone with that kind of voice. Why didn´t he freak out even though it caused his insides to get cold? Maybe it´s just that inner voice that everyone have that´s supposed to make you do what´s right. Ugh… he´s a prankster! He´s not supposed to have one of those!

"Fred? Are you alright?" asked Angelina and Fred looked up from the floor and up at her. "Yeah I´m fine, just not enough sleep". That was actually not a lie. "What happened to your forehead?" asked Lee and leaned in closer. "Did Percy finally try to kill you?" "What? No! George accidently rammed the bathroom door in my head. No one have tried to kill me yet", answered Fred and thought that he caught a guilty look in George´s eyes. "Yeah… sorry about that", said George and scratched his neck. Fred smirked at him and laughed evilly. "You should watch your back from no on", warned he and George gulped. The threat was of course empty but they would all think something was off if he told them that he didn´t care about it. "Just don´t drag us into it", said Lee and the twins looked at each other before saying: "We´ll see about that", at the same time.

Next time Fred zoomed out was during the sorting ceremony and he didn´t come back to earth until it was time to eat. The food looked delicious as usual. It took all his willpower to not overload his plate. "What´s wrong Freddie? No appetite?" asked Lee from behind the mountain of food on his own plate. "It´s a new diet he´s on, he´ll get over it in time", answered George and stuffed his mouth full with mashed potatoes. "You want to bet on it?" asked Fred before taking a bite from his meat pie. George shook his head. "Nah it would be too easy". "Don´t discourage him! He could really lose some weight", joked Lee and everyone laughed. "Love you too", answered Fred with a huff and looked away. " **_There is some truth to it though"._ ** " _ Shut up, I know". _


	2. Drained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one have told me to kill myself yet, thanks?

"Did you guys hear that Fathi Loré quit being the school´s counselor?" whispered Lee in the middle of professor Mcgonagall's lesson. Loré had only worked there for four years and were "sick" most of the time. "I´m not surprised, consider the students", said Angelina and stared at the twins who smiled back innocently. "Our pranks have never... ". "...made anyone insane", finished George and The girls rolled their eyes. "The teachers´ nervous breakdowns tells otherwise". "Oh You cannot prove that we´re responsible for that!" complained Fred. "I doubt the weasleyphobia came from your older brothers", said Katie and the twins, plus Lee, started to laugh. "Weasleyphobia? That´s a new one", said George when he had calmed down. "It´s probably gonna be a real thing in the future", said Lee and the others agreed. "Just wait".

* * *

 

It had only been a a couple of months but Fred could already see some changes on his body, but not only about his body weight. Though he was happy with the result of his new diet, but he hated the dark bags underneath his eyes and his skin, looking more dead than usual. He used to look like the stereotypical ginger who looked like the soul had left his body (Lee´s words, not his) but now he resembled more of a ghost. He knew that this was because of the lack of sleep. The same nightmare haunted him every time he closed his eyes for more than fifteen seconds, which meant that it could come to him even when he was wide awake. He never told anyone about it and no one noticed anything. He tried to mention it to George once but George teased him about it. Nothing serious but that made Fred discover how lonely he actually was. I mean, who can he turn to about this kind of things? Lee would react like George, Percy would think it was part of a prank, his parents wouldn´t understand, his older brothers were too far away and the girls would probably think less of him. Crying from a bad dream doesn´t really sound that manly in Fred´s ears. He feel a little let down though because no one gave him a sign that they knew he was in pain.

Fred sighed and looked up from his pumpkin juice to look at his brother and friends; eating happily while making fun of each other. He was tired as hell and confused because he swore that he had a plate with food in front of him just seconds ago. "Where did my food go? Or did I eat it without noticing?... Did I eat the plate too?" asked he and the others laughed at his confusion. "Accidently eating plates sounds more like something little Ronny would do, consider how he eats", replied George and Fred couldn´t help but agree with that statement. "It´s over here", said Angelina and picked up the plate before placing it in front of Fred. "We decided to remove it so you wouldn´t fall asleep on it and go to class again with food in your hair... okey, me and Katie decided that, Lee and George thought it would be funny". "Yeah it would be if it was someone else than me", answered Fred grumpily and put some bacon stripes in his mouth. He awarded himself with fatty food once a week to not give up on the diet. "And what do you mean with _again_? When did I fell asleep on my plate and went to class with food in my fair?" "What do you mean with _when_? The real question is for _how_ _long_ ", answered George with a smirk and Fred Groaned in response. "Do I dare to ask for how long you let me do that?" "Almost two weeks, 12 days to be more exact", answered George and laughed when Fred groaned in annoyance and banged his head on the table... right on his plate. The other three started to laugh too and Fred tried to look angry but couldn´t prevent his smile for long.

They all laughed until Katie announced that class was about to start. Fred became a little pissed off because he wouldn´t have time to wash himself. He turned to the others and said bitterly: "Make that 13 days of food hair to class".

* * *

 

Fred became more restless and paranoid when he started to notice how every teacher looked at him oddly, like it was something they couldn´t understand or something they knew but couldn´t accept. His brain was always working hard in their presence, working hard to remember if he had pulled a certain prank by himself that really got him into deep shit. If it is a prank then he must´ve done it himself because the teachers didn´t send George or Lee any of those looks. He really tried to remember if it was something he had done but nothing came up. It stressed him out and annoyed him to no end that an important part of his memory was beyond his reach. **_"Maybe it´s nothing you did but rather about what you´re capable of doing. You´re the 'genius' behind the scams after all and maybe they finally figured it out. Karma will come for you!"._ ** AND the supposedly "right and wrong" voice in his head didn´t help at all.

Luckily he could somewhat relax in the common room because teachers didn´t go there unless it was an emergency. He and George were laying on the floor in front of the fire while reading from a comic that they found among their dad´s things (he loved muggle things after all). Lee, Angelina and Oliver Wood were occupying the couch. Angelina and Oliver were talking about quidditch while Lee was bored out of his mind.

"Freddie?" said George and snapped his fingers in front of Fred´s face to snap him out of his thoughts. "You´re doing it again". "Doing what?" asked Fred with a yawn and George rolled his eyes. "Zooming out of course, you´re like a bloody sloth!" Fred raised an eyebrow at him and was about to answer with a smart ass comment when Angelina joined the conversation. "Now when I think about it, you have been quite drained lately. Have you been sleeping properly?" asked she and Fred gave her a fake smile. "I´m alright, don´t worry about it", assured he but neither Angelina or Oliver brought it. _"Damn those non-oblivious people!"_ **_"I thought that you wanted someone to hear you cry for help like a little baby"._ ** "You´re obviously not fine if you fall asleep in the middle of quidditch training", said Oliver angrily. "At least 20 meters above the ground on your broomstick". "With ME right under you on my own broomstick!" complained Angelina. Fred rubbed his eyes and let out another yawn. "You two make a big deal out of this", answered he tiredly and George laughed. "The exact same thing happened at least eight times", answered he and Angelina crossed her arms over her chest. "Is it really a coincidence that you fall asleep EVERY time _I´m_ the one under you!?" exclaimed Angelina and Fred shrugged. "I guess my body waits to shut down until it knows that there´s something underneath it to make the fall less painful". "ARE YOU CALLING ME A SAFETY MATTRESS!?" Fred lifted his hands in surrender. "No _I_ didn´t say anything... my _body_ did". "First of all", said Oliver. "That sounded perverted and second of all, you´re clearly not sleeping enough. You should go to madam Pomfrey about it, maybe even the school counselor if he was still here". Fred felt something sting inside of him by the mention of mr Loré, but he didn´t know why. It disappeared as quckly as it came though. George snorted at Oliver and put an arm around Fred´s shoulders. "Nonsense _captain,_ Fred´s fine. He´s just probably not used to all the new homework". "Have you ever even done your homework?" asked Percy from out of nowhere with narrowed eyes. George grinned at him. "No, that´s why everything´s overwhelming this year". "You´re so irresponsible!" scowled Percy and the twins faked a hurt look. "Ouch Perce", said Fred and covered his heart with his hand. George said with an equally broken voice: "Yeah! We ARE responsible! We have actually read four books... ". "Muggle comics doesn´t count! It´s just non-moving pictures with a few words on every picture". "It´s still reading... ". "I give up!" exclaimed Percy and left the common room.

Everyone seemed to have forgotten about what they were talking about (everyone except for Fred). Because everyone went back to what they were doing before the talk about Fred´s sleeping habits. Fred didn´t know if he was happy about it or not.

* * *

 

The subject, however, didn´t remain ignored for long. Four more incidents with falling asleep on his broomstick during quidditch practise led to an angry team captain who literally dragged Fred half way to the hospital wing. The other half he just picked up Fred and threw him over his shoulder, not without a lot of struggle, protests, threats, curses and death glares of course. Many people, especially George, thought it was hilarious. "Stop fighting back, Weasley!" yelled Oliver. "I stop fighting back when you put me down!" Fred snapped back. "I don´t like being carried!" **_"Because you´re fat?"_ ** _"N-no! because... "._ "I´ll put you down when you promise me that you´ll follow me without any fuss!" shouted Oliver back. "And what if I escape?" "Then you´ll be suspended from quidditch training until you visit Pomfrey!" Fred stopped struggling and stared at the back of Oliver´s neck (all he could see from his position) with widened eyes. "You can´t do that!" exclaimed he but Oliver shook his head. " _Yes_ I can and _yes_ I will! Your stubbornness affects the whole team". **_"You´re ruining it for everybody! You selfish brat!"_ ** Fred sighed in defeat and promised Oliver that he wouldn´t run away. Hesitantly, Oliver put Fred down on the ground and the two boys entered the hospital wing.

The visit didn´t take that long. Fred answered some questions but didn´t mention his dream. Then madam Pomfrey checked his reflexes, blood pressure, weight and height. Just for good measure. Fred was happy to hear that he managed to lose four pounds since last time he checked.

Because of the fact that Fred didn´t mention anything about his nightmare, madam Pomfrey thought it was a case of insomnia so she gave him a potion. She told him to take a sip before going to bed but could take higher doses up to a quarter of a bottle if it didn't´t work. She also told him sternly to immediately go to her if the potion turned out to be bad for him. He was also supposed to come back to her after one month so she could get an update on his sleeping and also decide if he should continue with the potion, change to something else or not taking anything at all. But if he would run out of potion then he should either talk to Pomfrey or Snape for more. Fearing that he might get poisoned if he goes to Snape, he decided to only go to madam Pomfrey.

After Pomfrey chased them out of the hospital wing, Oliver sent Fred to go back to his room and rest while the others continued with the quidditch practise. Fred really wanted to argue but he felt far too exhausted. "Okey captain but you won´t get rid of me that easily", said Fred with a smirk and Oliver squeezed his shoulder before returning to the rest of the team. Fred yawned before walking towards Gryffindor's common room.

Not even bothering to change out of his quidditch uniform nor taking the potion, he fell down on someone´s bed (hopefully his or George´s) and fell asleep.

* * *

 

 **_"Karma's gonna get ya Freddie!"._ ** _Fred turned around but couldn´t see anything. Everything was dark except for a single light that was lighting up himself , the floor around him and a door a little further away. "What do you mean!?" yelled he. His voice echoed in the giant room but he only got laughter as an answer. "Hallo!?" cried he desperately._ **_"Justice will be served upon the sinner!"_ ** _"I don´t even believe in any God!"_ **_"That´s too bad because having someone watching over you would´ve maybe helped!"_ ** _Fred felt the fear freeze every drop of blood in his body, like his veins were filled with liquid ice. "What have I done? Why does bad things happen to me!?"_ **_"Because you´re a bad person Fred"._ **

_Suddenly Fred felt how his body became heavier and heavier. Which meant that_ **_it_ ** _was going to get him. He had to get away!_ **_"Here it comes!"_ ** _He ran towards the door but his body was slowly shutting down. "No! No! No! NO! No please!" begged Fred with tears running down his face as he fell down to his knees._ **_"Take your punishment!"_ **

* * *

 

"FRED! Wake up!" begged George while shaking Fred´s shoulders violently. Fred opened his eyes and looked around to make sure that he wasn´t in that horrible room. "Fred? Are you alright?" asked George and wiped away tears from Fred´s face with his thumbs while holding Fred´s head between his hands. "Am I crying?" asked Fred confused and George let go of his head and sat down in front of him on the bed. "Yeah... ", answered George softly and Fred sniffed a little and felt a little embarrassed about the situation. "Don´t take this the wrong way, George. But why are you here? Aren´t you supposed to be at the training?" asked Fred and George looked at him weirdly. "You have obviously slept for much longer than you´re aware of, dear Freddie. I decided to come here and check up on you, but noticed that you were laying in my bed, probably not on purpose but I was just about to tell you to get the hell out of my bed when you started to trash around and whimper like Ron did after you made him afraid of spiders. I started to get really worried when you started to cry and scream though... ". "Yeah sorry about that", said Fred and stood up from George´s bed. "Just a nasty dream, I shouldn´t have eaten so much". "More like so little", murmured George but Fred ignored him and walked towards the door. "Where are you going?" "I have to return the uniform, see you in a bit", answered Fred before leaving the room.

* * *

 

Fred stared at the bottle with potion that he got from madam Pomfrey, skeptically. Would it even work at all? The problem isn´t that he can´t _fall_ asleep, the problem is that he can´t _stay_ asleep, at least not in a soothing one. But maybe the potion _could_ keep him from waking up for the whole night? Sure, the dreams wouldn´t disappear... **_"But you would keep your suffering to yourself and stop letting it affect other people". "_ ** _Exactly"._

"What´s that?" asked George and pointed at the bottle in Fred´s hand. He smirked and answered: "This will make Percy grow a vagina so he at least manage to see one before he die". "I thought that he already had one?" answered George and both burst out laughing. "No but really, what is it?" "It´s gonna help me sleep", answered Fred and opened it before smelling it. "It smells kind of what I imagine a goblin's feet fungus smells like", said he, disgusted. "Are you imagining that often?" "Every time I go to bed, it soothes me", answered Fred just as sarcastically. "How could she possible know about my secret fetish? She probably knew that I only can fall asleep to the taste of old stinky feet". "Yeah she´s probably more of a creep than Dumbledore about other people´s lives". Fred tilted the bottle and let the content drop in his mouth (not more than what Pomfrey recommended). "What does it taste like?" Asked George curiously. "Like she filled a bottle with toilet water and mixed it with green paint", answered Fred and scrunched up his face. "Do I even want to know how you know that taste?" asked George before they laid down on their beds and fell asleep.


	3. News about the past

The potion didn´t... exactly turn out to work so good on Fred consider the fact that he fell asleep in his bed but woke up in the hospital wing... two days later. An allergic reaction, who would've thought? Apparently George tried to wake him for an hour and panicked (he almost got away with firing a firework under the covers over Fred´s body).

 

At the first moment Fred opened his eyes, his head hurt, he felt like throwing up and was extremely tired. George was there and consider how horrible his breath smelt, he had smoked a lot of cigarettes to calm down. Madam Pomfrey explained to him that the potion not only put him in a coma like sleep but made it harder for him to breathe and messed up his blood pressure. She said many other things too but he zoomed out pretty quickly. Luckily for him, Madam Pomfrey didn't owl his parents (it wasn't severe enough). She asked him about it but Fred almost  _ begged _ her to not tell them. They also talked about next medication, which George of course was sceptical about.

 

"I don't think it's such a good idea", said he and dragged his fingers through his hair. Fred rolled his eyes and massaged his throbbing head. "I have to sleep George", said he and George scowled at him. "Yeah, you have to sleep for the _ night,  _ not  _ forever _ . I thought you was going to die, I can´t stand feeling like that every time you try some weird... ". "THEN I GUESS WE`RE EVEN THEN!" snapped Fred and George glared at him. "What are you talking about?" "For once YOU will know how it feels to see someone you care about slowly dying". Fred was happy that Pomfrey wasn´t there but he immediately regretted mentioning about George´s smoking when he saw the hurt look on George´s face. His younger twin brother was just worrying about him and he threw  _ that  _ in his face. "Look George... ", Fred began. "I didn´t me... ". But George was out the door before he could finish his sentence.  _**"So Completely selfish and stupid. Nagging on the thing that gives him comfort. You know why he´s smoking, right?"** _ Fred looked down sadly on his lap and sighed.  _ "Yeah I know". _

* * *

 

Fred left the hospital wing later that day, feeling worse than he did when he woke up from the two days sleep. He got a few sleeping pills from madam Pomfrey that he was supposed to try but he felt kind of guilty. He had to try find George or the sickness in his stomach wouldn´t disappear.

_**"Selfish, worthless piece of... ".** _ "Fred!" Fred stopped and looked around until his eyes landed on Angelina who stalked towards him. He faked a smile at her but quickly stopped when he saw her angry expression. "Hi Angie... what´s up?" asked he nonchalantly but her glare only deepened. " _ What´s up _ !? You have been asleep for two days and almost stopped breathing and the only thing you have to say is `What´s up'!?" "I´m sorry, I´m sorry!" said Fred and raised his hands in surrender. "Don´t get your knockers in a twist. I didn´t mean to scare you like that and all that but right now I´m trying to find... ". "George?" interrupted Angelina. "Yeah, how did you know?... never mind, bad question". "Yeah mostly when you´re apart it´s because you can´t find each other", said Angelina. "I recon you don´t know where I can find him?" asked Fred hopefully and Angelina crossed her arms over her chest. "In fact, I just left him and he seems pretty upset... ".  **_"All because of you"._ ** "... He refuse to tell me what´s wrong though but maybe you can cheer him up?" said she before she walked away in the opposite direction of where she came from. "He´s outside!" called she before disappearing around the corner. Fred sighed before walking to where he thought he would find his brother.

George sat on the grass underneath a tree, a pretty cliché scenario if you asked Fred. He walked up slowly to George but it seemed like George didn´t notice him... or he was just ignoring him.

He didn´t look up until Fred was right in front of him. His eyes wasn´t bloodshot or anything but he still looked quite depressed. "Can I sit down?" asked Fred hesitantly and George (to his surprise) smirked at him. "Why are you being so polite with me? It´s not like I own this grass or something... ". "Well one wrong move and you´ll run away again", said Fred and sat down next to him. "Yeah sorry about that", said George and Fred frowned. "Why are  _ you  _ saying sorry? I shouldn´t have said that to you, it´s none of my business if you want to smoke or not. I´m supposed to be your brother, not your second mom". "Let´s be honest here Freddie", said George and nudged him with his elbow. "It takes a lot more than that to be as scary as mom and... you are right". George took out two packages of cigarettes from his pocket and put them on Fred´s lap. "I knew how dangerous this are for me at the beginning but knowing how much it bothers you... I want to try to stop". Fred rubbed his eyes, he couldn´t believe what he was hearing. "You serious?" asked he and grinned. "Yeah but I´ll need your help. I tried to quit once before but it didn´t work out so good... ". "Wait, you have tried to quit smoking before?" "Yep", answered George. "But I did it the wrong way". Fred raised and eyebrow. "The wrong way?" "Yeah, just quitting makes you into a PMS monster... ". "That explains how you could lift Percy over your head and threw him out of the window...". "That never happened! Anyway, I have to lower the dose little by little every day. I´ll let you have the cigarettes and you´ll begin with only giving out to me five times a day and... ". "Five times!? How many times a day do you smoke usually!?" exclaimed Fred horrified and George chuckled nervously. "Believe me, you don´t want to know". Fred took the cigarette packages from his lap and put them in his pockets. "So you´ll help me?" asked George even though he very much knew the answer. "Yeah of course... but you know, this will only work if you give me ALL of your cigarettes", said Fred and looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?" "Give me the rest George". George´s smile dropped and he sighed in defeat before handing over four more packages that Fred also put in his pockets. "That´s all you have, right?" asked Fred as the two brothers stood up. George nodded and Fred smirked. "Good... then let´s go back to our room so you can get the rest". "Aw come on Freddie!" "You asked me to help you and I´m not going soft on you!" "You just had to make it weird, didn´t you?"

* * *

 

"Fred?... Fred?... Fred?... Freddie, your pants are on fire". Fred´s eyes shoot open and he sat up so quickly that he almost fell out of his chair. "Don´t worry Freddie", said George and chuckled. "I just wanted to wake you up. But seriously, how did you fall for that?" "Because it have happened multiple times before", scowled Fred angrily and yawned. This wasn´t the first time he had fallen asleep in class... but this was the first time the rest of his classmates, including the teacher, had left. "Yeah but how can you set something on fire that isn´t there?" asked George and Fred rolled his eyes. "That one was even more bad than the first one", said he and Lee walked up to them. "Yeah", concurred he. "It´s also awkward when it´s also true". Lee wiggled Fred´s pants in front of his eyes. Fred looked down and saw that his pants were in fact gone. His eyes widened and he tore the pants away from Lee and started to put them on. "Why the bloody hell did you strip me for!?" exclaimed he and George and Lee laughed. "First of all, it wasn´t me, it was another student who I made a bet with". "What kind of bet!?" "He said that he could pull off your pants without you waking up... I´m not even mad that I lost to him, that was impressive!" " _ He? _ Wasn´t it a she?" asked George confused. "No it was... I don´t know", said Lee confused. "If it  _ was  _ a girl then that would explain how they could pull off Fred´s jeans, if you know what I mean". "She/He/They/It are probably thirteen, Lee", said George but chuckled at the thought. "Well some start early", said Lee and shrugged. "I don´t care if it was a girl or a boy!" exclaimed Fred and zipped his pants. "It still counts as sexual harassment you twat! I should be the one getting paid for this... ". "That reminds me", said Lee, obviously cutting Fred off on purpose. "Professor told us to send you to Dumbledore's office as soon as you wake up". Fred frowned, clearly confused. "Really?" "Yeah", assured George and looked at him suspiciously. "What have you done now, Fred? And why wasn´t I in on it? I thought we where partners in crime!" exclaimed he and faked tears. Fred rolled his eyes and chuckled. "I have no clue mate. It´s probably because of the potion I took or something", assured Fred even though he didn´t believe that himself. George and Lee seemed to buy it though. "Yeah that makes sense", said Lee. "Then I better get it over with", said Fred and stood up. "I´ll meet you in the common room afterwards... ". "Don´t we have potions then?" asked Lee and Fred groaned. "Then I´ll see you when I come back I guess", said he before leaving the room.

When Fred arrived, he noticed that Dumbledore wasn´t alone. Mcgonagall was also there together with Pomfrey, which made him consider that it might be about the potion after all... but why was it so important for the meeting to be at the principal´s office? What the bloody hell was in that potion!? "Greetings mister Weasley", said Dumbledore with a friendly smile. "Take a seat". Fred felt their eyes follow him as he walked towards the desk and sat down on a wooden chair. "Am I in trouble?" asked Fred hesitantly but Dumbledore just shook his head. "No dear Fredrick, I just want to ask you a few things". Fred became more and more confused.  _ "What the fuck was going on!?"  _ "What kind of questions, professor?" asked Fred curiously. Dumbledore sighed and had eye contact with Mcgonagall for a few seconds before answering. "Do you remember anything... curious that happened in your first year?" "Well I did pull a few pranks that lead to a few curious things", answered Fred and scratched his neck nervously. "No I mean... something out of the ordinary, something very worrying?"  _ "What is he referring to?"  _ "I´m sorry professor but I don´t know what you want to know", answered he and Dumbledore shared another look with Mcgonagall. Fred´s heart started to beat faster, something was definitely odd. "Are you familiar with Fathi Loré?" "Yeah, he worked as a school counselor, didn´t he?" asked Fred. Why did he ask about a man Fred never had talked to? "Exactly, How much do you remember from your conversations?" Fred looked up at him confused. "Pardon me sir but I don´t believe that I have ever spoken to the man". This time it was Dumbledore who looked confused. "That´s strange", murmured he. "That you don´t remember any conversations that is". "And why is that strange sir?" "Because you have gone to him seven times during your first year here". Fred froze in shock. What was Dumbledore talking about? He had never gone to talk to the man, he barely knew what he looks like!... actually, he didn´t´t know how the man looks like at all. Fred laughed. "It must´ve been a mistake professor", said he. "I have never gone to the school counselor, I have never had the need to". "So I guess that the memory of the bathroom also are gone then?" commented Pomfrey and Dumbledore sent her a look that said": "Don´t mention that!" but the damage was already done. "The bathroom memory?" repeated Fred. "What does that mean?" "Nothing at all my boy", answered Dumbledore and Fred knew better than to ask again. Fred´s head was filled with questions. Did he really go to this Loré guy? Why did he even go to that guy? Why can´t he remember anything of that? And what else did he do in the bathroom besides number one and two that Pomfrey mentioned? Because Fred doubt that he had to go to the school counselor because he took a very big sh... "Mister Weasley", said Dumbledore and pushed back his half moon glasses. "Next week a few men from the ministry of magic are going to come to ask a few questions to you and a few others that went to Loré but can´t remember it". "Why? Why is it that big of a deal!?" Fred couldn´t help but shout. The others didn´t seem to mind it though, in fact it looked like they  _ expected _ it to happen eventually. "You have all right ot be upset mister Weasley", said Mcgonagall. "And you probably have a lot of questions but please let Dumbledore finish". Fred sighed and dug his fingers in the armrests. This was so frustrating. "It´s important that you cooperate, mister Weasley. This is part of an important investigation after all". "Important investigation?" "Yes, it is believed that former counselor Loré was committing a crime and the ministry strongly believe that you, and a few other students that will remain anonymous, have proof against him in your lost memories". It became quiet while Fred tried to take in everything. What the bloody hell was he talking about? What have the man done that was so horrible that he... that he erased Fred´s memories? That thought made him beyond furious. Who does he think he is? How dare he steal his memories like that!? "Mister Weasley, are you well?" asked Dumbledore concerned but Fred ignored the question. "Loré didn´t quit his job" "No, he´s at the ministry while waiting for his trial. I´ll send for you when the men from the ministry arrives. But in the meantime, I would appreciate if you didn´t tell anyone about this". "Not even George?" asked Fred sadly and Dumbledore shook his head. "Not even your brother. I know that you two are really close and tell each other everything... ".  _ "Well mostly everything".  _ "But this is classified information and both of you can really get in trouble if it goes out. And besides... you don´t want to worry him, do you?"

* * *

 

Fred felt like a doll when he walked back to the common room. It was like someone else was in charge of his movements and he felt quite numb. He didn´t know how to feel or think about this news. He felt like he really needed answers but there was no way he could get them before next week and that fact made him want to pull out his hair. Thankfully, Dumbledore saw his distress and dismissed him from classes for the day so he could go to bed and rest. There was a lot to process after all.

He went to bed but couldn´t fall asleep. The tornado of thoughts in his head smashed into the walls of bone underneath the skin, creating a headache. The lack of sleep didn´t help either. He felt like he needed to talk to someone but he wasn´t allowed to and it killed him. How did girls manage to boil it up inside?... oh that´s right, they later on yelled at the closest person... poor fellow, that have been Fred himself a couple of times.

The door opened a few hours later and George and Lee entered. "Ah there you are!" exclaimed George and sat down on Fred´s bed close to his feet. "We were wondering why you didn´t show up in class". "So what did Dumbledore want?" asked Lee and Fred gulped. Luckily he had thought about a lie but he really didn´t want to not tell the truth. "Apparently I pulled a prank that upset Dumbledore and now I have to be his assistant a few times", answered he without looking at them. "Aw mate!" exclaimed George. "You pulled a prank that big!? And you didn´t tell me!" "What prank did you pull anyway?" asked Lee and crossed his arms. Fred shrugged. "I can´t remember... and it´s bugging the hell out of me!" exclaimed he. He thought that he really deserved a prize for his acting. "You deserve that for not inviting me", murmured George and pouted. "Maybe you hit your head really hard?" suggested Lee. "That would explain why you don´t remember it". "Yeah maybe", said Fred and faked a smile.


	4. Session 1, reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isn't this a little spiler-ish? I might understand this in the future

It didn´t take long before a teacher came and got Fred (in the middle of class nevertheless) to be investigated by a couple of investigators from the ministry of magic. Even though Fred still had no clue about what it all was about, it felt kind of exciting and cool. Who doesn´t think it´s exciting to be a part of something of this importance? He still felt a little irritated though at Loré for erasing his memories. There was a nagging feeling in the back of his head that made him unable to focus on anything since Dumbledore told him about all this. If George and the others had noticed, they didn´t say anything about it. Fred couldn´t tell if he himself was a good actor or if the others didn´t care much about him zooming out. The fact that George didn´t notice didn´t surprise Fred, he had his own problems after all. Ever since Fred became responsible for George´s smoking, the younger twin have been fidgeting, shaking, easy to make angry and couldn´t sit still for more than a few minutes at a time. It killed Fred a little but not as much as when he gave George his daily cigarettes. George would always look at them like they would cure a painful illness inside of him or like he had been starving to death without them. The way George would almost violently tore the death-sticks from Fred´s hands and lit them with shaking and needy hands made Fred want to run away and hide. He didn´t know why he reacted like that, st. Mungus could probably heal his brother´s lungs if it went too far but seeing someone you care about slowly killing themselves kills you too. Especially if you know the reason behind it. Not that Fred would ever tell George all this...

The teacher left him outside a classroom. Fred opened the door and saw three wizards, two men in their mid-thirties and an older woman. The woman was looking at a few papers that she had taken out from her bag and the men were building something. It looked like one of those camera tripods with some sort of round orb, like one of those fortune-telling-things professor Trewlany have, but much larger. The color of the orb was hard to explain, it was like a mix of dark purple, pink and blue. Almost like a  _ bruise.  _ Fred didn´t know why that thought hit him.

The woman looked up at him. "Ah, you´re Fredrick Weasley I assume. Please close the door behind you and come here". Fred closed the door, like she had told him, and walked towards her. She took a good look at him, which felt disturbing. "My name is Coliette Malpierre and the men over there are Jack Monet and Abraham Gillbert". The two other men waved at Fred and one of them put a chair in front the bruise colored orb.  _ "So that´s how they´re going to make me remember",  _ Fred thought. "Before we begin with today´s session", Coliette began and laid a paper in front of Fred together with a quill and ink. "I need you to sign this, a contract. You have to agree on that you won´t tell anybody anything of the investigation until the court. Not your friends, not your family, not your teachers". Fred didn´t like the sound of that, the fact that he couldn´t tell George ANYTHING until God knows when. Wait, did she also say  _ teachers?  _ "So the teacher doesn´t know what this investigation´s about?" asked Fred and the old witch shook her head. "The principal knows only a few of the crimes Loré committed. We have to respect the privacy of the witnesses after all". "He committed multiply crimes!?" exclaimed Fred and Corliette nodded. "Murder, fraud, burglary, attempted murder and attempted kidnapping and assistance to suicide", answered he woman nonchalantly like it was nothing, but Fred´s whole body froze. Every muscle in his body turned to stone and his heart started to beat faster. "Mister Weasley?" said she and snapped her fingers in front of his eyes to get a reaction. "Mister Weasley!" Fred finally snapped out of his panicked state and felt his body calming down. "What the bloody hell do you think I have memories of!?" shouted he but it didn´t seem to face her. She probably expected that to happen. If the man really was capable of things like that, do Fred even want to remember what he could´ve seen? "You can´t deny us possible evidence", said one of the men, like he had been able to read Fred´s thoughts. "Besides", said the other man. "Just because you spoke to the man a few times, it doesn´t mean that you actually saw something that  _ could  _ give us more evidence against him". That´s true, Fred hadn´t thought of that. Maybe Loré acted like a decent human being around him?  **_"But why would he erase your memories then dumbass?"_ ** _ "Come on! Let me give myself a little false hope at least". **"That´s more than you deserve"**.  _ Fred picked up the quill, dipped it in the ink and wrote down his full name on the paper before putting it down again. _ "There´s no turning back now" _ . "Good", said Coliette and put the contract in one of the bags that Fred hadn´t noticed before. "Sit down on the chair over there and Monet and Gillbert will tell you what´s going to happen". Fred walked over to the orb and sat down on the chair in front of it. "Don´t look into it quite yet", warned one of the men and Fred looked down at his lap instead, already feeling a little dizzy from looking at it closely for a few seconds. "Okey, here´s the deal kid", said the other man. "That sick bastard used an old and acient spell that we know little about and... ". "You don´t need to sound so rude Abe", said the other man and "Abe" glared at him for interrupting before continuing. "This is the only way, not only us but you, can get the memories but it´s not going to be a calm journey". "You´ll feel pretty dizzy afterwards and it will make you pretty tired", explained Jack before Abraham continued again. "You´ll stare into the stone which will digg into the  _ gray _ parts of your brain, like the brain´s trashcans, and display it in your head and record it so we can watch it at the ministry. You´ll be the first one to see it". "And because it´ll make you weak, we´ll only use it for one memory at a time. In your file... ", said Coliette and showed him a stack of papers. "It says that you have had seven visits but we´ll probably not find any evidence in the first five or six sessions. But we have to really make sure of that and the stone doesn´t work well if we try to jump over memories". Jack squeezed Fred´s shoulder in comfort, he had noticed how nervous Fred actually was. "You can start when you´re ready", said he and gave Fred a friendly smile. Fred smiled back and nodded at him.  _ "Let´s do this once and for all".  _ Jack let go of Fred´s shoulder and he and Abraham sat down on two of the benches. Every sound got swallowed up in a anticipating silence. Fred closed his eyes and took a deep breath before raising his head and looked into the strange stone in front of him, a stone that would give him all the answers.

* * *

 

_ Fred glared up at professor Sprout who had volunteered to escort him to Professor Fathi Loré to make sure that he actually would show up. This whole thing was extremely embarrassing, he would never hear the end of it if George or any other of his brothers found out about this. The teachers were overreacting in Fred´s opinion but if he didn´t do as they said they would owl his parents and that was the last thing he wanted. He wasn´t sick or anything... or maybe he was but he was taking care of it on his own! No one seemed to see it that way though, they seemed to see his self-medication as the problem. They sure are stupid and blind... no, Fred´s probably the one who´s stupid and blind. _

_ "You won´t run away, won´t you?" asked Professor Sprout and Fred sighed in defeat and shook his head. Professor Sprout smiled at him and took off. Fred sighed once again and entered the room. He closed the door behind him and looked around. The floor was covered in a large carpet and the walls were covered in paintings. The light was dimm and the air was warm and thick. This guy can´t be such a big fan of breathing freely. "Welcome", said Loré from behind his tidy desk. His brown hair was carefully combed and he wore a light brown suit. Fred could never understand how someone willingly wore those things. "Take a seat", said he and motioned towards the chair in front of the desk. Fred sat down on it and crossed his legs and arms. "How are you feeling, Fred?" asked he while writing something down. Fred thought that was weird because he hadn´t even said anything yet and he was already being analysed. "Good I guess", answered Fred, he didn´t answer sarcastically. He wanted to leave as soon as possible. "You look much better than last time I saw you"; commented Loré and Fred scoffed. "No one really looks like a model in that position I was in". "Actually, that´s something many models do", answered Loré with a smile and Fred raised an eyebrow. "Really?" "I thought you knew. Considering... ". "Why are they doing it?" "Why are you doing it?" "I asked first". "Yeah but I assume that my answer is the same as yours". "I doubt that". "They do it because they don´t know better, because they think that it helps". Ouch, that hurt. "I feel offended". "Did I hit a sore spot?" "Shut up!" They looked at each other for a while before laughing. "How´s your stomach and throat?" asked Loré when they had finished. "Stomach´s empty, throat´s sore", answered Fred nonchalantly with a shrug. "The incident in the bathroom happened yesterday and I have slept most of the time since then". "Didn´t Pomfrey give you something for your throat?" asked Loré confused. "She had other things to worry about", shrugged Fred. Loré could see through his facade though. "About you?" asked he and Fred looked away. "Maybe". _

_ "For how long have this been going on?" asked Loré after a short silence. Fred looked at him and frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about?" "For how long have you been doing this? Starving yourself?" Fred sighed and looked down at the floor. "I don´t see what the big deal is. It´s not that bad, I´m just trying to be healthy and... ". "Me and Quirrell caught you in the bathroom with your fingers shoved down your throat", said Loré sternly. The bluntness shocked Fred quite a bit. "That´s what you do when you have bulimia, Fred". "Bulimia?" repeated Fred, tasting the words. "That´s an eating disorder. It´s basically when you eat food just to throw it up later". Fred got a little irritated for two reasons. 1: he had heard about eating disorders before but not about boys who have it. 2: it didn´t explain the whole problem. "But only girls have eating disorders!" complained Fred and stood up. "Everyone can get eating disorders, Fred", answered Loré paciently. Fred groaned in frustration and threw away the chair. "But boys shouldn´t!" screamed he. "Everything´s his fault!" Loré stared at Fred for a while with an unreadable expression. "Who?" "He is... he is". "Calm down Fred". Lore stood up and walked towards the much shorter boy. He grabbed Fred´s shoulders and knelt down so he looked up at Fred´s watering eyes. "Tell me". Fred felt safe in the man´s grasp. He closed his eyes and took a deep and ragged breath before opening them again. "Promise not to tell anyone", said Fred and Loré smiled at him. "I´m not allowed to share any information you don´t want me to. I could lose my job". That answer put Fred at ease. "Okey... there is this voice... ". "Voice?" repeated Loré and made sure that they kept eye contact. "It´s a man´s voice, in my head". Tears started to form in his eyes. "It´s so mean! It criticizes me, make me feel guilty about things and it... and it... it screams at me to stop eating rubbish and lose weight!" "And what does the voice if you don´t do what it wants?" asked Loré in a whisper. "He continues to talk", answered Fred back in a whisper. "All the time, hurts me all the time. Saying that I deserve this for things I have done". Loré looked away for awhile, deep in thought and it scared Fred. He had never told anyone about the voice before, afraid that they would think he´s a maniac and lock him in. It felt somehow right to tell Loré though, it didn´t look like a caring person like him would judge. Loré smiled at himself before looking down at Fred again. "For how long have the voice been there?" Fred hesitated before answering: "Always". It was true, as long as he could remember, the voice had been tormenting him. It got a lot worse when he started school though. "Am I nuts?" asked Fred and Loré smiled before wiping away some tears. "No Fred, everyone have a little voice in their heads. For some it´s stronger than for others. It´s your conscience". It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest when Loré said that he wasn´t alone with it. Loré continued: "It´s supposed to help you with making the right decisions. It´s probably worse for you because you do so many wrong things that it felt like it had to grow stronger. To punish you". "Aha!" exclaimed Fred happily and clapped his hands together. "Almost like carma?" Loré beamed back at him. "Yeah! You could say that it´s like karma". _

* * *

 

A sick feeling spread through Fred´s chest, like he had been spinning around in circles the whole time. "That´s it for today", said Jack with a smile. Fred noticed that he had laid some kind of blanket over the orb. "How are you feeling?" "Sick and tired", answered Fred with a weak voice. "Just like expected", said Abraham before they started to pack away all the things. Fred couldn´t move. His whole body was ice but his brain moved around like crazy.  _ "I had an... eating disorder?"  _ Fred looked down at his smooth stomach.  _ "And the voice have always been here? I´ve had it since I was a kid? How did it disappear? And why did it come back!?"  _ So many questions, even more than before the session. Fred felt relieved that he (once again) got an answer to why he heard the voice. Loré may have been an evil nutjob but he was smart... at least he sounded that way. He was happy that the memory was back in place, even though it showed him a short video of him emptying his stomach until Loré and Quirrell forced him to stop and drag his sobbing body out of there. He really was a mess, but why? Fred felt ashamed of his former self for dealing with his weight in such a  _ weak  _ and  _ pathetic  _ way. He didn´t care that he wasn´t allowed to tell anybody, he would  _ never _ tell anybody anyway. His family would be so disappointed and think much less of him. Besides, like he said before, George have his own problems do deal with. He don´t need to know that his older twin brother used to be like that. He couldn´t tell ANYONE.

The three ministry people packed their things, said goodbye and left in no time. It took probably hours before Fred himself could move an inch. He didn´t know what to think, he didn´t know what to feel. He didn´t even want to think or feel at the moment. He stood up and ran out of the classroom. People looked at him weirdly when he passed by but he couldn´t care less. He just wanted to escape from all this for a while. He knew that he had to think through all this but now wasn´t the right time.

He entered the dormitory and hurried to the bedroom before anyone could talk to him. He grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills.  _ "If I fall asleep I will just have nightmares... ". " **But if you stay awake, you have to fase this now"**.  _ The voice win. He knew that he was only allowed to take two pills but he took four instead and swallowed them dry. It made his throat hurt. It felt like it became a swollen balloon that would choke him to death but once again he didn´t care. He laid down on his bed and kept whispering to himself "just breathe", over and over again until everything turned black.

* * *

 

It was dark when he woke up again and he felt even more ill than before. Quickly, he crawled over to the edge of the bed and emptied the content of his stomach on the floor. "For Merlin´s sake Fred!" Fred looked up and saw that George was in the middle of changing into his pyjamas but stopped when he saw Fred. It couldn´t have been that late. Before Fred could answer, he started to throw up again. George ran towards Fred, bare-chested, and held back his hair while rubbing his back. "Oh Fred", said George sadly before Looking up at Lee who stood like a statue next to his own bed. "Run ahead and warn Pomfrey that Fred´s new medication backfired too!" ordered he and Lee nodded before hurrying out of the room. It made Fred sad that this medication didn´t work for long but he  _ did  _ take too much after all. Not like he would tell anyone that. He just wanted to fall asleep faster, not damage him again. Stupid.

After a while only stomach acid came up, burning the inside of his throat.  _ "How could I do this to myself when I was eleven? It hurts like bloody hell!"  _ "You think you´re finished?" asked George and Fred nodded because he didn´t trust his own voice. George put one of Fred´s arms around his shoulders and one of his own arms around Fred´s waist before helping him to stand up. Pain shot through his whole body, like his bones were shrinking and his insides were crumbling in on each other. Fred groaned and George tightened his grip on him. "Merlin´s beard Freddie", croaked George before half carrying his brother towards the hospital wing.

* * *

 

"What did you say, mister Weasley?" asked madam Pomfrey with a frown. There was only her and Fred there because she had chased George out a couple of minutes ago when she assured them that Fred would be just fine. Fred sighed before repeating his question: "Can you give me something that prevents me from dreaming next time?" "So your insomnia´s caused by nightmares?" asked Pomfrey, clearly irritated that Fred hadn´t told her sooner. "Yeah", answered Fred and looked down at the covers across his lap. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I can give you something for that but I have to contact your parents about what happened. It was more serious this time and they deserve to know", said she and Fred smiled and nodded. "Okey but please don´t mention the bad dreams". "If that´s what you want, mister Weasley", said madam Pomfrey before walking to her office.


	5. Caught with the cigarettes

"You look much better today", commented Oliver at the end of quidditch practice and Fred smirked. Ever since he stopped his nightmares, he had been able to sleep much better. "Your flirty ways can´t get you this body without dinner first", joked Fred and wiggled his eyebrows. Oliver rolled his eyes but couldn´t help but joke back. "Oh damn it, you saw right through me!" Normally he wouldn´t play along but he had been pretty worried about the other boy. "Get me dinner next time", said Fred and blew him a kiss. George walked up to them and wrapped his arm around Fred´s shoulders. "And I guess Fred have to grow a virgina for you in return?" "Then we have a deal", answered Oliver before going to the showers. "I´m not taking a shower in the same room as him today", said Fred and started to undress. George laughed before following suit. When Fred had removed his shirt he saw that George glanced at him. "Maybe I should start with the same diet as you, you actually look good". "I feel offended because of how surprised you sound and you´re far too lazy to give up that much fat food", answered Fred in a playful manner but couldn´t help but ask: "Have you noticed anything... weird that happened in our first year?" George raised an eyebrow at the question. "Pretty much everything we did and saw was weird, mate". "No I meant... ". Fred regretted that he even brought it up. "Did I act weird? You know, out of the ordinary?" "You and I have always been out of the ordinary", snickered George. "We´re not the Weasley twins for nothing". "I guess but I meant out of the Fred-Weasley-ordinary", explained Fred. He didn´t know what kind of response he wanted. Maybe a little more knowledge about how he was at the time? Or more like if it was evident that he starved himself. It was still a little hard to believe. George thought for a short second before answering: "Nope, always have been the same less handsome Weasley twin as always". "Go fuck yourself". "That would be twincest and I would rather kill myself". "Am I that ugly?" asked Fred with a fake hurt expression and covered his heart with his hand. "No but you are my brother, you silly cow", laughed George and pulled down his pants before grabbing a towel. "But don´t worry, If I had to have sex with one family member then you would be the one. But only if we were threatened by evil monsters who have sick fantasies". "I feel so honored", answered Fred sarcastically and George laughed before getting into the shower. Now Fred didn´t want to shower in the same room as him either but that had another reason too. He actually didn´t want to see George at the moment because the reason to why he asked was because he hoped that the younger twin would´ve noticed that something was wrong. Didn´t anyone notice that Fred wasn´t happy? That he hated his own body enough to ruin it? _**"Because he didn´t care".**_ _"Shut the bloody hell up!" " **You know I´m right".**_ Despite the fact that George probably would be mad at him later he quickly changed into his school uniform and hurried out of the dressing room.

* * *

 

_ "So Fred", said Loré from behind his desk. "Do you remember what we decided last time?" Fred nodded but didn´t look up at him. "And what did we decide?" "That... ". "That?" "That I would try putting more food on my plate?" "Well that´s a summary of it I guess. Are the voice´s still bothering you since last time?" "Yeah". "Can you tell me about a certain time when it really troubled you?" Fred´s eyes were directed at the quill in Loré´s hand that moved over an empty page in a leathery green notebook. "Well there was that one time after the most recent quidditch game and that other time when a teacher tried to force feed me". Loré groaned at the last part and Fred knew why, Loré was mad at the teacher for trying to force Fred to eat. He knew better than anyone that it´s not gonna be any help. It confused Fred why it felt like Loré was the only one who cared about him. "Which one do you want me to tell you about, professor Loré?" asked Fred and Loré smiled warmly at him. "I would love for you to tell me about both but start with the quidditch game. What happened?" "Well... I didn´t sleep very well that night because of a prank... I´m sure that you´ve already heard about that... so I was really sensitive that day. All the noises and excitement during the game only made it worse so I guess I panicked and the voice got much louder". "What did you do about it?" asked Loré before scribbling in his notebook. "What do you mean?" asked Fred. "When the situation´s tuff, everyone have their ways to get through. What did you do to calm yourself down?" Fred thought back hard to remember what exactly he did do to go back to normal. "I tried to ignore it at first, I think, but then I think I yelled a lot, ran to the bathroom and there I think I had a panic attack or something like that. It passed after a while". "The best way to deal with that kind of situations is just to stay there you are and try to wait it out", explained Loré. "Because if you run away, it´s more likely that you´ll react the same way next time. We can go through different kind of ways to handle that kind of situations later. Now, what did the voice yell at you that time? More about your weight?" "No", said Fred and cleared his throat. "At least I don´t think so. I can´t really remember but I don´t think it was about my weight because... it felt different, you know. I don´t always remember everything he says to me but the feeling the memory give me afterwards helps me guess at least... am I even making sense to you?" "Yeah, don´t worry about it", said Loré and laughed a little. "Tell me about the second time". "When I was bloody force fed like a trashcan? The voice just yelled at me to not let any food reach my stomach... both he and the teacher yelled at me". "What did you do to improve the situation? I doubt that you gave in and ate... ". "I bit the teacher´s finger, got him bleeding and now I have one week´s detention. It´s better than eating steak". "Well fat food may be too early to try", said Loré. "Start with vegetables and other healthy things". Fred looked at him with a skeptical expression. "I don´t know if he will let me... ". "Tell karma that you can´t improve your studies if your brain isn´t functioning right. It needs energy from food, right?" Fred thought for a while, it did sound logical. **"Well, what´s the point in improving your looks if you´re really stupid?"** Fred smiled at Loré and nodded. "He agreed but... I have a question... why are you talking about him like he´s a normal person?" Loré could see in Fred´s face that he was afraid that he might´ve angered the voice by calling it abnormal. "Because it´s a part of you like my voice is a part of me and other voices are parts of other people". That sentence really got Fred´s attention. "You also have a voice!?" Loré couldn´t help but laugh at the excitement in the eleven year old boy´s voice. "Yeah we all have. I think I told you about karma last time, didn´t I". "Well yeah you did but... but why aren´t yours like mine?" "That´s because I haven´t done anything bad for many years. The voice´s not bothering me anymore because I´m a good person that cares about others". A pained expression took over Fred´s face and he looked close to tears. "Does this mean that I´m a bad person? So I deserve this?" Loré nodded with a sigh. "Yeah but it can still get better. I know that you´re a good person deep down, you´re brilliant, you just need a little time and I´ll help you". Fred still looked like he was dying so Loré stood up and walked over to him. "Come on Fred, show me that famous Weasley smile", said he and dug his fingers into Fred´s sides, tickling him. Fred started to laugh loudly while thrashing around, trying to escape but Loré wouldn´t let him. Fred managed to escape however when he bit Loré´s arm. "Ow!" yelled Loré with a laugh and let go of Fred who only managed to stand up before Loré grabbed him and lifted him up in the air. "Let go of me you arse!" yelled Fred but couldn´t stop laughing himself. He hadn´t had this fun in a long time. "I can´t believe you bit me!" "I can´t believe a teacher does this!" answered Fred back. "Nothing about me´s normal!" "That explains how we get along!" said Fred and both laughed harder before Loré put him down again. _

* * *

 

"I saw you as a friend? Then why did you betray me?" "What are you talking about Fred?" asked Abraham. _**"It´s probably your fault".**_

* * *

 

_ " _ I´m _dying_ Fred!" "You´re overreacting George", said Fred from his bed and rolled his eyes. "No I´m not!" whined George from his heap on the floor. "My insides are crumbling!" "Aren´t you poetic?" said Fred sarcastically and George glared at him. "What kind of brother are you to laugh at my misery?" "A typical one", answered Fred and poked out his tongue at him. "Don´t be a git", murmured George. "Am I a git for preventing you from committing a slow suicide?" "Who´s the poetic one now?" "You know I´m right", said Fred and both sighed at the same time.

"Can I get just one more?" begged George after a moment of silence. "You have had enough cigarettes for today", huffed Fred and crossed his arms over his chest. "Pretty pleeeeease?" "No George. Don´t make me feel like a shitty person for caring about your health", said Fred angrily. Couldn´t George understand how hard this was for him? "Freddie, I´m begging on my knees... or I would if I could sit up but I´m too busy dying". "I said no George, if you´re just going to whine about this then leave me alone". He would much rather eat grass than do this. Grass after a quidditch game, with mud, sweat, blood and everything. "Don´t be like that Freddie... ". "Shut up and leave me alone!" shouted Fred and stood up. George lifted his hands in surrender and was about to say something when Fred hurried out of the room. Maybe he was overreacting. George didn´t deserve getting shouted at but Fred wasn´t in a good mood at the moment.

Fred was so angry that he didn´t see where he were running... or who he was running into. He and the other person collapsed but only Fred fell to the ground. "Mister Weasley!?" exclaimed Snape and glared down at him. "What the hell do you think you are doing up this late!?" Damnit! Fred had forgotten that it was WAY past bedtime. "But hullo Snape", said Fred and laughed nervously. "Have you been working out? Because I flew like ten feet from running into you". "Keep your manipulating words to yourself mister Weasley, stand up!" Fred did what he said with his usual cocky smirk. Can´t show weakness, can´t we? "What in the world are you doing up!?" All the portraits around them told them to stop shouting. "It´s not very respectful to wake them up", couldn´t Fred help himself but say. He earned a scowl. Well deserved, at least in the voice´s opinion. "Empty your pockets", ordered Snape and Fred´s face turned white. He had something peculiar in his right pocket that didn´t belong to him... but to George. Fred tried to laugh it off and said: "I´m not up to no good this time professor. I´m just out on a nightly adventure... ". "Empty your pockets, now", said he sternly and Fred sighed in defeat. There was nothing he could do now. So he shoved his hands down his pockets and put a few rubber bands and a half full package of cigarettes in Snape´s outstretched hands. The shocked expression on snape´s face would´ve been hilarious in another situation... okey it was still a little funny but not enough for Fred to actually smile or laugh. "To my office. Now!" said Snape with a serious and cold voice before turning around and walking away. Fred followed right behind, there was no need to fight it. "I´m sorry George".

Snape´s calm aura only lasted until the door to his office was closed behind them. "I knew you Wealeys didn´t have much of brains but this is low even for you!" He grabbed Fred´s collar and threw him backwards so the back of his legs hit a table. He fell once again and landed on it. "Wait... he doesn´t know that George´s the one smoking. He don´t have to get in trouble for it!" "Oi! No need to insult my family for my behavior!"  "You own me big time for this one George". "Do you have any idea of how dangerous smoking is? Or how forbidden that is at school?" "Wow, for one second I thought that you cared about my health", joked Fred. "You can be suspended for this". That sentence made his body froze. "I´m gonna be honest with you Snape", said Fred and scratched his neck. "My family doesn´t know about this... is there a a punishment I can take that they won´t know about?" the question was stupid, he knew that but he had to try, right? Plus, he wouldn´t be able to hold the mask if he got too many questions about it. Snape thought for a while before giving Fred a creepy look. "But if you want me to give you a head, I take the first punishment". Snape scowled at him and hit him at the back of his head. "Stop talking nonsense Weasley! Or I´ll change my mind... ". "That´s not much of a threat until I know what you´re thinking about... ". "Quiet! I´ll take 20 points from Gryffindor and... ". Snape put the package of cigarettes on Fred´s lap. "I want you to eat them". Fred raised an eyebrow at him and sat up straight. "Eat? I know that you´re not familiar with muggle things but you´re not supposed eat these kind of things... you´re setting them on fire and inhaling them basically". "At least that´s what George does". "I am well aware of that, mister Weasley", said Snape and took a step closer. "But they would disappear faster if you ate them, right? You´ll also learn your lesson faster as well". Fred stared up at him for a while without being able to say anything. "You can´t be serious... ". "If these aren´t gone before classes start then I´ll suspend both you and George, because I doubt you´re the only one smoking. I´ll send a letter to your parents, give you two months worth detention and take away 70 points from Gryffindor". Fred´s eyes widened and his heart started to beat faster. "You... you c-can´t do that!" exclaimed Fred but Snape shook his head. "I can and I will... unless you start pretending that it´s chocolate from hogsmeade". Fred felt his natural pale skin turn even paler. With shaking hands he picked up the package from his lap, opened it and took out one of the cigarettes. He had never hated it more. "Go on", encouraged Snape and Fred gulped before putting one fourth of it in his mouth and bit down on it before tearing a piece off. As soon as his teeth cut through the paper he started to gag. He started to cough violently and felt like he was going to throw up but continued to chew it anyway. Snape put a bucket in front of him to he wouldn´t have to clean up the mess later on. "Don´t be a child about it and take your punishment", said Snape and crossed his arms over his chest. "This is horrible! How can George smoke this on a regular basis!?" Fred chewed the soggy paper and herbs for a little while longer before forcing himself to swallow it. The voice was quiet, which meant that this was good for his karma. "Wow, I must´ve really done something bad to deserve this". He shoved the rest of the cigarette in his mouth and fought against the urge to throw up until it also went down his throat. He coughed once again like his windpipes were clogging up and his lungs was filled with ashes. "Continue but don´t choke to death", said Snape with an emotionless voice. Fred wanted to cry but refused to let any tears fall. **_"Don´t be a pussy. Men don´t cry, they take their punishment with pride and go on with their lives. Are you a worthless wuss, Fred?"_** Wanting the voice to shut up, Fred continued eating cigarette after cigarette even though he felt like he was choking to death. It felt like his head was going to explode and he actually threw up a few times but still continued. Snape actually looked like he regretted the punishment when an extra sticky piece of paper flew out of Fred´s mouth and into the bucket. "I think that´s enough, mister Weasley", said Snape but Fred ignored him. _"I´ll get though with this! I´m not a worthless wuss who can´t handle the consequences of their actions! Even though my head hurts... and I feel really dizzy... No! I´m NOT going to faint again!"_

After what felt like hours the whole package was empty and Fred felt like he was dying. Snape didn´t say anything, he just stood there but Fred knew what he had to do to feel better... no, he was not going to madam Pomfrey, not again! He would take the matter in his own hands. Ignoring Snape´s stare, he picked up the bucket and placed it in his lap. _"My throat´s really gonna be sore tomorrow"._ "Mister Weasley, maybe you should... ". The rest of the sentence died in Snape´s throat when Fred shoved down two fingers down his throat and started to throw up in the bucket in front of him. It really stung, he couldn´t tell if the cigarette eating or the throwing up was worse.

"Merlin, Weasley", said Snape after a while when only stomach acid dripped down in the bucket. "Gosh! This bloody hurts!" exclaimed Fred in a raspy and hoarse voice. He knew that it would´ve been worse to keep it in his system. With shaking legs he stood up, put the bucket in Snape´s arms and stared right into his eyes. "This. Is. Not. Like. The. Bathroom. Incident", said Fred with clenched hands, not caring if Snape knew what he was talking about or not. "Let´s just forget this". And he was out of the room.


	6. Meeting Percy 2

_"Why did you choose a job there you talk to children all day, Loré?" asked Fred and took a sip from his cup of tea. "First of all, please call me Fathi, fred", said Loré with a smile. "And to answer your question, the most hardest things usualy come up during your childhood so I want to help before the children end up either in an early grave or troubled adulthood". "So you want to make sure that they end up like you?" joked Fred and laughed but regretted saying anything when he saw how Loré´s face darkened. Emotions like sadness, anger, confusion and things Fred couldn´t identify radiated from the older male. "No Fred", said Loré and shook his head. "I want to help them, help you, become the best possible version of yourselves as you can be". "You seems like a good version of most people though", said Fred and raised an eyebrow. "Oh believe me Fred", said Loré with a smirk. "I´m far away from the best version of me as possible... without it eating me alive". "Like the voice does to me?" "I´m happy for you", said Loré with a smile, changing the subject. "I have heard from Pomfrey that you have started to gain weight". "Yeah but I don´t know if I like that fact or not", said Fred sadly and looked down at the floor. "That´s normal for anyone in your position", assured Loré. "Let´s talk about you and how you feel". "At the moment or in general?" "Well I can already guess how you feel at the moment so tell me about how you feel most of the time", said Loré and picked up his notebook. "I feel stressed and sad", answered Fred. "Stressed because of school, my weight gain, my family someday knowing and other things". "You have a twin brother, right? George, I believe his name is? Doesn´t he know about this?" Fred shook his head. "Even though I feel guilty, I can not tell him. I´m embarassed, I guess, and he would probably think that I´m crazy and stop being with me". "Would your brother really do that?" asked Loré and Fred hesitated. "I´ll tell him when I get better, he doesn´t need to know", answered he stubbornly and Loré sighed. "As long as that´s what you really want. I can understand if you don´t want to make him or anyone else worried. You said that you felt sad, can you describe it?" "How do you mean?" "Describe your sadness, what do you think about when you´re sad? What do you do?" Fred thought for a while. "Well... I think really low about myself, how my problems will weight other people down. I feel guilty most of the time", explained Fred. "Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?" Fred looked at him confused. "What?" "Have you ever been thinking about inflicting pain upon yourself?" "No? Why would I do that?" "Some people do it because they think it will help them cope with the mental pain", explained Loré. "That sounds kind of stupid", said Fred and Loré shrugged. "I guess but humans are rarely sane. It´s good that you don´t do it though". Fred watched as Loré picked up some papers from the table and looked through them. The curiosity took over so Fred jumped off his own chair and walked over to the desk to stand behind Loré. "What are you looking at?" "Pictures of Snape´s mom naked", murmured Loré, still focused on the papers and Fred lauged. He had learned that Loré could say the weirdest things without knowing it from time to time when he was thinking really hard or reading something. "So you´re not a fan of him either?" "No he always stick his obese nose in everyone´s bloody bussiness", answered Loré with an eyeroll and a smirk. "If I didn´t know better I would´ve thought that he fancy me or something". "I ship it", joked Fred and Loré looked at him with a glare. "I would rather have a threesome with Dumbledore and a troll". "I bet Snape would be honored to hear that", answered Fred sarcastically and Loré laughed. "Just imagine how mine and his children would look like!" "You´re both males", answered Fred. "You can´t have children". "He knows his potions, he would find a way". "Oh God", said Fred before both bursting out laughing. Loré did really act like a kid or a teenager from time to time. "I will never be able to look at professor Snape the same way again", said Fed. "What are you reading?" "Just some papers I found among my things that I don´t remember". "Why are you reading those while you´re talking to me? That doesn´t sound professional...". "I thought it was notes about you at first... but I probably wrote these when I was a teenager... ". Fred´s eyes widened. "Let me see, let me see, let me see...". He climbed up on Loré´s lap and started to read the paper. He felt the body underneath him freeze. "Welcome to Santa´s lap", said he and laughed nervously. "It´s more comfortable than how Santa feels right now... the kids I have in my lap are mostly newborns that I´m forced to hold". "Sorry but I´m too tired to stand up", said Fred nonchalantly and laughed at something funny he found in the text. "You´re terrible at poetry". "Yeah I know", said Loré sadly and looked down at the ground ashamed. "Can you please get off me before a teacher comes in and I get fired for molsesting an underaged boy?" "Well I can´t let that be your legacy", joked Fred and laughed before jumping down from loré´s lap. "I use my friends as chairs sometimes". "Then I feel honored for being used as a chair myself", said Loré sarcastically and Fred laughed."You should be Fathi, you should be". "I will sit on you when you least expect it". "You´re an adult!" "Not mentally!" Fred agreed with that._

* * *

"What´s on your mind Freddie?" asked George when they were on their way from potions. Snape acted like normal around Fred which was a huge relief but Fred himself couldn´t get over what happened that night the week before. "What do you mean George?" George glared at him. "Don´t bullshit me Fred. You haven´t been yourself since you got sick". The cigarettes Fred was forced to eat made him extremily sick the day after. He hadn´t been able to breathe properly, his throat and stomach was hurting, he could barily move and his throat was really thick and raspy. His voice was still a little raspy. "I´m fine George, just still a little sick. That´s all". George groaned in frustration and grabbed Fred´s wrist, making him stop walking. "I felt the tobacco smell in your breath when you came back", whispered he with his teeth pressed together. Fred froze. "Tell me the truth Fred, you didn´t lose the package by accident, did you? Did you or did you not get sick because you tried to smoke but overdid it?" Fred sighed and looked down at the floor. "Not really but close... ". "Then what happened then!?" Fred sighed once again before telling George the truth about that night. George´s eyes widened and his grip tightened around Fred´s wrist. "Ow George!" "Sorry!" exclaimed George and let go of him. "Snape will regret this", said he with a smirk and Fred smiled. _**"You can´t let George get in trouble because of your mistakes! You shouldn´t have told him!"**_ Fred stopped smiling. "No it´s alright George, I did scare him". Fred didn´t tell George that he made himself throw up. George glared at him. "But he made you eat a whole package with cigarettes! That´s fucking insane! Why did you say that the cigarettes belonged to you!?" Fred shrugged. "He came to that conclusion himself and I didn´t want to sell you out. You owe me by the way". "This is all my fucking fault", said George and covered his face with his hands. Fred regretted saying that. _**"Look at what you´ve done now you piece of shit".**_ "No it´s not your fault. I shouldn´t have left the common room in the middle of the night with your cigarettes in my pocket. I didn´t even try to be quiet and hide. Of course he found me! Besides, you would have done the same if it was you instead of me". George sighed and they started to walk again. "Yeah I guess but I... ". "This would have been for nothing if he discovers that you´re the one who smokes", said Fred and George closed his mouth again. "You could´ve choked to death", whispered George and Fred shrugged with a smirk. "He wouldn´t have gone that far. I wish someone had caught us, Snape would´ve been in deep trouble!" _**"You´re lying! You still think that you deserved that punishment".** "What did I do to deserve you!?" **"If I gave you the answer then you wouldn´t learn your lesson!"**_

* * *

_As soon as Fred opened the door he got thrown on the floor. "What the hell!?" exclaimed he before feeling pressure on his stomach so he could barily beathe. "Revange!" exclaimed Loré. "Get off of me! You´re heavy!" Fred couldn´t believe that Loré actually went through with his threat to sit on him. "What kind of adult are you!?" "A kid in a man´s body", answered Loré before standing up and walking over to the desk. Fred groaned and sat up. He was just about to say something when his eyes landed on Loré´s right sleeve. He could see several thinn white lines. "What are those?" asked he and Loré raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?" asked he confused and sat down at his desk. Fred stood up and walked towards him and pulled up his sleeve, exposing more of the white lines. "It´s scars, Fred", answered Loré with a sigh before removing Fred´s hand and taking off his blazer. Fred´s eyes widened when he saw that his whole arms were covered in them. "What happened!? Did you get attacked!?" Loré laughed and shook his head. "Remember when I asked you about if you thought about harming yourself?" Fred nodded and thought for a while before he realized what Loré was talking about. "Fathi? YOU did this to yourself!?" exclaimed he. Now he felt bad for calling self-harmers stupid. But how could he know that Fathi used to be one!? "There are so many of them!?" "Yeah and I cannot heal them either because of an allergic reaction I get from almost every potion. I´m not sad about it though, they remind me that I overcome my depression. Many people hurts themselves to cope with their pain". "How does that even help?" "It´s hard to explain", answered Loré and messed with Fred´s hair. "You´re not the only insane person in this room". Fred laughed at his comment. "No I guess not"._

* * *

"It´s kind of exciting that the boy who lived is in our house", beamed Lee. He and the twins were planning their next prank while glancing at their younger brother and the famous Harry potter across the room. "Yeah, it´s also pretty awesome that he´s friends with our little Ronald", said George. "We can be bridesmaids at their wedding", suggested Fred and the other two laughed. "We´ll have matching orange dresses!" exclaimed George a little too loud and earned a few odd looks from students around them. "It´s a bit too early to talk about weddings", said Lee and poked his tounge out at them. "Besides, how are you so cool about wearing dresses?" "Because we would look fabulous as fuck!" exclaimed Fred and forced a laugh. "Watch your language!" they heard Percy scowl from out of nowhere and they laughed. "Sorry mommy!" said George with a child-like voice. "Yeah! Please don´t spank us!" added Fred before the three pranksters burst out laughing again. They didn´t see it but Percy´s face turned red before he left the room. "You guys are weird!" yelled Ron and they couldn´t help but agree. "We re proud of our weirdness!" exclaimed George. "Yeah!" Fred agreed. Harry couldn´t help but laugh at them either.

Suddenly a bushy-haired girl entered the common room walked over to Ron and Harry. She started to tell at them and Fred couldn´t help but think that Ron had just gotten himself a second mom. He could tell by George´s face that he thought so too. The girl turned around and glared at them. Her eyes were beautiful. That must´ve been the Granger girl. Now both Fred and George feared that they might´ve got another Percy instead.


	7. Chapter 7. Turns for the worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commercial about future fics in the end notes!

The more memories Fred got back from the sessions with Abe, Jack and Coliette the more he dreaded, but at the same time really looked forward to, the next meeting. Fathi was such a nice person, nice _friend,_ to Fred. He even helped Fred through his eating disorder and helped him with the voice in his head. Why did Loré have to be a bad guy? That fact became more and more hard for Fred to believe. A man like that couldn´t have done all those things that he have been accused of. In the memories, Fathi was a child at heart who was honest and actually fragile. Is it possible that Fathi had been framed by the _real_ bad guy? That sounds most likely. If Fathi is innocent then Fred will continue with the sessions without any fuss to prove that the man had nothing to do with it! But... why did Fathi erase his memories? To protect him from something? Maybe the villian wanted to get rid of Fathi because he knew too much? Fred maybe knew too much as well and Fathi erased his memories so the villian wouldn´t do the same to him? _"I have seen Fathi´s scars, he would kill himself in Azkaban... I have to do what I can to save him! Like he saved me... "._

"Where are you going all the time?" asked George from his bed. His eyes were glued on Fred´s back as Fred was tying his shoelaces. "Detention", answered he without hesitation. "Still don´t know the reason though". "Don´t you think that´s a little weird?" asked the younger twin and Fred shrugged before standing up. "I guess but I don´t want to risk more detention for asking... they´ll think that I´m still denying it even though they´re sure that it´s me". "When´s the detention over anyway?" Fred thought for a while. _"I have been there four times, right? Then it must be three times left"._ "Three more times, then I´m free". _**"Free? That depends on what your memories contains, doesn´t it? You´re already wasting your time on thinking about your boyfriend in prison. It only seems that you become less and less free the more you discover".**_ The voice had a point actually. He felt more caged in his thoughts than before... " _Boyfriend!? He´s more than twice my age!?"_ George raised an eyebrow and crooked his head. "So... seven days of detention at random times... doesn´t that sound a little curious?" Fred shrugged again. "Maybe but I´m not complaining... better than two weeks in a row with muggle chores in my opinion!" "I guess... ", murmured George, still suspicous but Fred ignored his questioning look and left the room before his brother could ask something else. He hated the fact that he had to lie to George but what choice did he have?

* * *

 

_Loré pierced a piece of boiled vegetable with his trustworthy fork and held it in front of Fred´s face. "Open up!" "Can you change my diaper later too?" asked Fred sarkastically and crossed his arms over his chest. "And then teach me to use the potty?" "You´re far too young to use big-boy stuff like that", answered Loré just as sarcastically as Fred did. "But change your bloody diaper yourself! I can barily stand my own shit on my hands... ". "And the best daddy award goes to... ". "Me!" answered Loré and both laughed. "By the way, why are you trying to feed me_ your _food?"_ _"Because I can!... and I´m testing a new recepie!" Fred looked at him with a scowl. "And you couldn´t have told me instead of starting to shove it in my mouth? I still have an eating disorder, right?" Loré laughed nervously and scratched his neck. "Yeah but I´m desperate! I´m going to a party next week on friday and I have to bring something!" "I feel so honored that I´m your last resort", said Fred sarkastically and rolled his eyes. "Besides, don´t we have an appointment that day?" Loré´s face turned pale and he laughed nervously again. "Yeah I was going to tell you that... and ask you a question". "Well at least you won´t shove this one in my face, right?" joked Fred and Loré laughed. "Not fysically... but it depends on how you see it". Now Fred became curious... and a little but afraid to be honest. "What is it?" asked he. "Will you marry me- no just kidding... ". "Oh, I almost dropped my panties there", said Fred and laughed. It really felt like they were the same age. They could joke about aything... and talk about anything... it´s hard to have that kind of relationship with your brothers. "What´s the real question?" "Do you want to come with me to the party?" asked Loré hopefully and Fred smiled brightly. "That sounds bloody fantastic! But won´t Dumbledore... ". "Oh he won´t know", said Loré with a smirk. "But you like being bad, don´t you?" "You know me", said Fred with an_ _mischievous smirk. "But why did you even invite me?" Loré´s smile widened. "Because... I see myself in you, my friend, and I remember... when I was in your age... my uncle took me to this party... we normally go there together but he can´t this year". "Why?" "He´s dead". Fred stared at him and no one said a word for a while. "Oh... ", said he awkwardly and Loré shrugged. "Yep... choked to death by a prostitute with his own insides that she ripped out of his stomach". "I´m so sorry", said Fred sadly but tried not to throw up at the pictures popping up in his head. "I´m really flattered though and would love to come with you as long as I won´t get in trouble... what kind of party is it anyway? Do I have to wear a suit?" asked Fred a little hesitant and Loré laughed. "It´s a wild party, you´ll only ruin your suit if you wear it... take something casual". "A wild party?" asked Fred and couldn´t hide the excitment in his voice. He already knew that everything about this idea would get him in deep trouble if his mother ever found out. But why not live a little? Besides, his mom doesn´t care. Always talking about how the other siblings need to eat to not become too skinny while not noticing that he starved himself. She probably agreed with the voice, she thought he was fat or just couldn´t care less. No one noticed, no one cared!... But Fathi did. "Yeah", answered Loré. "Everything can happen! It´s quite exciting... plus that I´ll show you something that always makes me see the purpose of my life". The last sentence was pretty touching... not that he ever would say it out loud... he was a male after all._

_"So... ", said Loré after a few minutes of silence. "What did you think about the food?" Fred looked at him confused. "I haven´t eaten anything yet?" said he but it sounded more like a question when he looked down at the empty plate. "Did you feed me while we were talking!?" exclaimed Fred. "How did you do that!?" Loré laughed. "At first I just wanted to mess with you but when you didn´t even give it much thought I just continued". "You´re evil", said Fred but failed to look angry. "So how did it taste?" Fred directed his focus to his taste buds. "Pretty good... but I suspect that you didn´t boil this in water". Loré´s eyes widened. "Again!?" Fred laughed at the reaction. "Nah I´m just messing with you. It only needs more salt... what do you mean with 'again'?" Once again, Loré laughed nervously. "I once tried to boil it in alcohol... while I was drunk of course. My roommate had to put up with a lot of things", said he and Fred laughed. "Now, let´s contiue with me being your_ _counselor. I see that you have been eating more. I´m so proud"._

* * *

 

"Can´t christmas arrive sooner!" exclaimed Angelina and leaned her weight on Fred who laughed in return. "Can you shout louder?" said he sarkastically. "It´s not like you to whine like this. What´s up?" asked Lee and Katie nodded. Angelina sighed and closed her eyes. "My mom just came home for the first time since that accident at work... ". "Accident!?" exclaimed Katie and she nodded. "Yeah but she´s back to normal now.. But I really want to see her and besides... I have a bad feeling that something bad´s gonna happen... ". "To her?" asked Lee. "You just said that she´s back to normal". "It´s not about her", said Angelina and everyone became quiet. "Where is George by the way?" asked Lee to break the silence and Fred looked away. Ever since the last session he was slightly irritaded every time he was around his family. George had noticed that. It was probably because of the fact that they ignored his problems when he was eleven. The more Fred learned about his past self, the more he became angry with his family... and the more he became mad at himself. Why? Because even though he was mad at his family for not caring, he also hated himself for not being good enough for them to care about. It was a bad circle. He hated them for making him feel this way and hated himself for making them not caring. George had tried to ask about it but Fred didn´t let him. He was afraid that he might´ve screamed at him, and hurting him was the last thing Fred wanted to do. Why couldn´t he stop being so angry? Why couldn´t he just let this go? _**"Because you´re pathetic and everyone else knows it too".**_ "Fred? hey Fred!" called Lee, snapping him out of his dark toughts (not for the first time). "Yeah?" said Fred and looked up at him. "Are you alright lad? Are you getting sick again?" asked he concerned and the girls started to stare at him too. It felt like their eyes bore into his soul and he hated it. Fred stood up. "Maybe... I´ll go and wash my face with some water", said he and left before anyone could say anything.

On purpose, he choose the way to the bathroom that he was almost 100 % sure that George wouldn´t pick. He made sure that the room was empty before walking over to the sink. He splashed enough water to soak his shirt in his face before rubbing it until his cheeks turned red. He didn´t stop until his face felt numb. He stared up at his reflection and screamed in fear. Behind him stood a dark figure surrounded by smoke. Fred didn´t know why he got so scared but something was terribly wrong. He quickly turned around but the figure was gone. He felt a huge relief though his heart was still beating faster than normal. "Is this supposed to be a sick prank or something? This isn´t funny George!" _"No it´s probably my imagination"._ Fred turned around again to turn off the water and accidently looked up in the mirror. But it wasn´t his own reflection he saw but the dark figure up close. He was paralyzed by fear with his mouth wide open. The figure didn´t have a face but he could still see, no _feel,_ it _smile_ at him. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" screamed Fred as soon as he got his voice back. It started to laugh and before he knew it, his right fist hit the mirror not once, but five times. Every hit sent an eletric shock through his whole arm. He left his hand in what was left on the wall. Some broken shards was stuck in his hand but most of it was laying in the sink. The blood was dripping down the wall but he felt nothing... until he actually realized what he had done. He screamed out in pain while cluthing his poor hand. He fell down to his knees and tried to hold back his tears. It didn´t hurt as much as he had thought, he was mostly scared and mad at himself. "I´m such a bloody fool".

The door slammed open and George ran inside. His eyes widened when he looked at the blood on the wall and then at Fred´s hand. "What the bloody hell happaned?" He sat down behind Fred and put his hands on his shoulders. Fred looked down at the floor. "I punched the mirror", murmured he but his twin couldn´t hear him. "What?" asked he and Fred sighed. "I punched the mirror", said he a little louder and noticed how crazy that sounded. "Yeah I could´ve guessed that", said George and rolled his eyes while forcing a laugh to not make it so emotional. "But why?" Fred thought for a few seconds to come up with an excuse that wouldn´t make him sound like a maniac. "Thought I saw someone jumping at me but it turned out to be my own reflection... no, I didn´t think it was you. Punching you that hard would be too much", assured Fred while George helped him up (though he actually didn´t think he needed the help). "Did you break the mirror with only one punch?" asked George a little amused and Fred nodded though it was a lie. "You really seems to accidently hurt yourself a lot lately", snickered George with a laugh but it sounded a bit forced in Fred´s opinion. He didn´t voice it though, if the ones he cared about wanted to stay in the dark then he would leave them there. They don´t have to suffer just because Fred does. "Yeah, I´m really not the lucky twin", joked Fred before they left the bathroom.

* * *

 

Life really wasn´t fair. It felt like life only put more and more shit on Fred´s plate and he had no other choice than to eat it. Like it wasn´t enough with his insecurities and the voice in his head, now a black clothed figure could appear in the corner of his eye from time to time. Especially when he walked past something that could show his or others´s reflections, when either too much was going on around him or not enough and when he actually felt somewhat happy. Like an constent reminder of the darkness that no one else could see. Hehe... when did Fred become so poetic? Fred Weasley, the pitiful clown. _**"I start to suspect that you´re high on your pills".** "Me too... hehe... "._

"Is it true?" Ron walked up to Fred who was sitting half dead on one of the couches in the common room. Harry and Hermione walked up close behind him. "What?" asked Fred and winked at them tiredly. "What´s he on?" asked Ron confused and turned to look at George. George looked up from his and Lee´s game of wizard chess. "Sleeping pills", answered he despite Fred´s glare. Ron´s eyes widened and he looked back at Fred skeptically. "Sleeping pills? Why would you need those?" Fred was just about to answer with a sarkastic remark but Granger (of course) beat him to it. "Obviously for sleeping, Ronald", said she and rolled her eyes. "But why do you need pills to help you sleep?" Ron asked Fred and this time it was his turn to roll his eyes. "Beats me", answered he and closed his eyes. "What do you want? I´m not in a good mood". "Grumpy", murmured Ron before repeating his question. "Is it true? That you beat up a mirror?" "Beat up?" said Fred confused. "I hit it once on accident and split my hand open... how do you even know about that?" "It´s got people talking", answered Hermione with a voice that held some sort of disgust against him. Fred didn´t really know why that bothered him (just a little). "Breaking the school´s property is against the rules. You should be thankful that you didn´t get punished for it". Fred raised his now healed hand. "I think the shards slicing my hand was punishment enough, Granger. So everyone knows about this? Great, now they´ll all think that I´m a psycopath... ". "Don´t they already?" asked Lee and Fred flipped him off. "Did it hurt?" asked Ron and the others looked at him like he was stupid. "It obviously hurt, Ronald", said Hermione and Fred faked a smirk. Because now when he thought about it... it didn´t hurt that much. _**"Not enough".**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUTURE FICS!
> 
> ICE TWIN:  
> About how George technically turns insane after Fred's death, see things and act like Fred so his family starts to doubt which one actually survived. Inspired by the novel "Ice Twins".
> 
> Flunitrazepam:  
> An even more fucked up story than this one that follows multiple Harry Potter characters like Luna, Draco, Harry etc. Contains piller abuse, self-harm, gender identity issues, non binary and binary trans people, m/m, F/M, F/F, other, drug abuse etc. It's about self discovery, self medication and when you don't get help.
> 
> NO REST FOR THE WICKET:  
> A smosh fanfic about alternative universe for the smosh and smosh games crew. 
> 
> The walking mirror experiment (might change name later):  
> Ouran high school host club fanfic in AU. Kaoru's a FtM nonbinary boy and he and Hikaru have been choosen for a experiment in another country but rest of the host club follows. It turns dark and are based on a dream I had.
> 
> Corpse Party of our own:  
> A corpse party fanfic featuring me and one of my best friends that I have known for many years. We basically get sucked into that world and I want to write my own version. 
> 
> SAY SOMETHING:  
> South park fanfic with multiple gay pairings, messed up stuff and ONE OC character. Features mental health, weirdness and friendship (Ofc).
> 
> I'll also have random one shots


	8. Loré's true colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever read/seen Elfen Lied? I love the manga, but are mad at the show (it's still good though). In the future I might write a Naruto fanfic in that universe. Obviously a Narusasu, I want everyone to be gay.

_"Are you ready?" asked Loré as soon as Fred stepped into the room. Which scared him because he had been sneaking all the way there in fear that someone would found him... and by the way Loré was smiling at him, he knew that Fred was one edge. "Bloody git", said Fred while trying to catch his breath. Loré only laughed at him. "Yeah but I´m allowed too. So, are you ready?" "As long as you won´t give me an heart attack so... ", said Fred and Loré laughed once again. Honestly, Fred felt nervous. Not because of the party itself but because of the fact that he would for the first time go to something this big without George. They did everything together... okey, ALMOST everything. Going to a party without him felt kind of like he was betraying him._

_Fred was wearing a simple knitted long-sleeved shirt (not one of those with the first letter of his name on it), a dark grey jacket and a pair of old jeans. Loré was dressed in all black with a leather jacket. It was a weird and unusual sight because Fred was used to seeing him in brownish suits. "How are we going to travel?" asked Fred. "We´ll travel with two things! And both will make you want to vomit!" exclaimed Loré dramatically and Fred felt himself start to sweat. "Do we have to?" asked he. "Don't ask me to change my plans just when we have to leave!" said Loré angrily with a pout, which made Fred understand that he wasn't serioulsy upset. "Let´s go then", said Fred and Loré streched out his arm in his direction. "Take my hand". "Is this another gay joke or is this actually how we´re going to travel?" "Both". "Of course", said Fred and Loré laughed. "You should know about that by now". "You are aware of that I´m eleven, right?" "And you're aware of that I'm supposed to be an adult, right?" "I'm starting to think that you're seriously younger than me... but that you´re a giant... ". "I wish. I'm short for my age", commented Loré before Fred grabbed his hand. He knew that they would apparate from the school but he also knew that it was impossible. In a few seconds they were no longer in the classroom, so Fred gusssed that it wasn´t so impossible after all._

_They arrived at some sort of tiny cabin in the middle of a road. The road was deserted, the weather was extremely hot despite the darkness surrounding them and the tiny cabin looked like it had been attacked multiply times. Fred fell to the ground as soon as he felt it underneath his feet. He felt like he was going to throw up everything he had been eating that week... which counts as one whole meal. Hey! He started to GET better, not BE better! "You're not going to start kissing the ground, are you?" asked Loré with a voice full of amusment. Fred glared up at him and stood up with shaking legs. "Was that a sarkastic question, Fathi?" "Part of it. I kissed the ground when my uncle took me". "Every time?" "Maybe... ". "So what are we going to travel with now?" "Take my hand". Fred raised an eyebrow. "Again?" said he before taking Loré´s hand once again but this time nothing happened. "Why aren't we moving?" asked Fred. "Because our ride isn´t here yet", answered Loré with a shrug. "Then why did you ask me to take your hand?" "I'll give you two options", said Loré with a smirk. "Either I'm in love with you... or I accidenily touched something disgusting that I can't identify but felt like it would be funny if you touched it as well". Fred actually had to think for a while because Loré was an really confusing man._

_After a while he decided that it had to be the seconds option so he let go of the older man's hand and wiped it on his pants. "You're smart", snickered Loré and Fred poked out his tounge at him. "You're more childish than usual", commented Fred and Loré shrugged. "Well, this party brings up my inner child", answered he and they smiled at each other. "So where's our ride?" asked Fred. Loré looked around and narrowed his eyes at the road a few miles away, "There it is!" yelled he excited and Fred turned around to see what Loré was looking at. Some sort of muggle device was comming closer and closer until it stopped in front of them. "What is this?" asked Fred and looked it over. What a strange thing. "I think it´s some sort of mix between a car, an motorcykle and a bike... ish", answered Loré and scratched his throat. "Jump in". Loré stepped into the weird veicle. "It´s a fifteen minute drive"._

* * *

_Loré was right... the second "traveling device" did also make him alsmost throw up. They stopped in front of a tiny pub called "The dancing pri... ", the rest of the name hade been either covered in dirt or removed. "I guess that contains some sort of portal to the party?" said Fred as soon as he had stopped dry-heaving. "Something like that", answered Loré with a smirk and walked towards the door. He opened it and Fred followed him down five rusty stairs until they came to another door. "Ready? Not like I care!" exclaimed Loré before opening it. The both males were met with load music and screaming. The room was huge and dark with lights in all kinds of colors lighting it up. There were two sets of stairs, one leading up and one leading down, and a door at the back of the room leading outside. People were dancing, drinking, talking and some were even fighting (or fucking?). Fred felt a little unease but didn´t show it to Loré who looked as bright as the sun. It made Fred more secure as well. "Let´s go in", said Loré and they entered the room before closing the door behind them. The air was thick and warm and it made Fred a little light headed. Someone was_ _definitely smoking something odd that left a heavy cloud above everyone but Fred felt a little bit awake for every time he took a breath. Loré put his arm around Fred's shoulders and lead him further into the room. Not many people looked at them so Fred assumed that underaged people wasn´t something uncommon._

_They walked over to the bar and Loré ordered something strong for himself and something a little more "tame" for Fred. Fred didn´t even hesitate to drink the clearly-containing-alcohol drink. All the people around him looked like they had fun and they surely couldn´t have that fun without anything in their systems. The drink burned a little in his throat but apart from that he kind of liked it. "Just remember Fred", said Loré and lowered his head so he was in the same level as him. "Don't accept drinks from strangers if they're not bottles that haven't been opened before", warned he. "Because they might try to drug me and sell me on the underground market?" asked Fred. He wasn't that oblivious to not what things can accure. "That's one of the many things, yeah", answered Loré and ruffled the younger boy's hair. "I'm so glad that you aren't that innocent". Fred agreed and laughed._

_They both ordered a few more drinks before they left for the dance floor. Fred felt a little tipsy but not enough to make stupid (more than usual) decisions. Loré couldn't stay for long though because a few minutes later a stranger walked up to them and whispered something in Loré's ear. Loré told Fred that he had to go downstairs for a while but also told him that if someone tried to touch him, he had to tell him that he was Loré's. Fred asked why he had to make it sound so possesive but Loré explained that they wouldn't take him seriously if he didn't make it sound like he "belonged to someone more powerful than himself". It made Fred wonder about who Loré actually was. Someone with so much influence's working at Hogwarts as someone who help kids? It's not that he thinks that Loré's bad for the job, it's more like that someone like him could probably get a much better job._

_Despite not being a dancer, Fred actually found himself enjoying it... but it could have something with the drinks in his system to do. "Hallo there". Fred turned around and was met by a pretty busty woman with short brown hair who was only a little taller than him. "Ehm... hi?" said Fred a bit confused. She leaned in closer. "Do you want to dance?" Why not? Fred thanked yes but didn't let his guard down. She was probably twice his age but why not have a little fun? She's hot, isn't she? "I haven't seen you before", she commented and danced closer to him. "No this is a one time thing", answered Fred. "A friend of mine wanted me to come with him and... here I am". She turned around and started to grind on him... which probably would have been more exciting if he had been going through puperty. The only reason that he even felt a little excited was because a guy in his age getting close to a woman like this was something cool. "Then remind me to thank him later", she whispered in his ear and Fred tried his best not to laugh out loud because she probably didn't know how young he actually was._

_They danced for a little while before she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. He really hoped that she wasn't going to kiss him... she wouldn't be his first kiss but her breath didn't smell so pleasant. "Do you want to follow me to one of the private rooms?" asked she and he couldn't hold back his laughter anymore. She looked at him confused and a little hurt. "Sorry but I'm not interested", answered Fred and she pouted. "Why not?" Fred was sure that his next line would make her hit him and run away but it would be worth it. Pranking is funny. "I'm eleven. I'm not even supposed to be here". To his surprise, she only shrugged and leaned in closer. "Don't worry babe... I may be old enough to be your mom but I have fucked boys who were younger". Was that supposed to turn him on? Because it only made him feel disgusted. "Get away from me", said he and pushed her away. She glared at him and put her hands on her hips. "What's wrong with you?" "What's wrong with you!? You're a bloody pedophile!" "I'm a woman", answered she and took a step closer. "No one would fucking care! Aren't young boys supposed to love when hot women are all over them? Are you gay or something?" Fred raised an eyebrow. "I don't think I'm gay, my classmate Angelina's beautiful, but I think it's a little too early for me to label myself, right?" asked Fred. He was a pretty open person but he didn't think that he would turn completely gay... women are just so much hotter! "What does this Angelina girl have that I don't?" "She's not old... but she's just a friend". "Fuck you", said she and turned around before she disappeared in the crowd. Fred scratched his neck. Maybe he should just tell the next one that he was gay. Sounds much easier than talking too much with desperate women like her._

_Saying that he was gay wasn't a great idea because the next person came from behind... is this how girls feel like every time they're going out like this? Fred was sure that he would never go out if he was a girl... men are disgusting. He managed to escape the man's grasp and fled to the bar and ordered another drink to calm down his nerves (the bartender assured him that Loré was paying). Fred wished that he looked more "manly" so everyone wouldn't assume that he's either a pushover or a pornstar gay bottom! (the man whispered some nasty things to him). Maybe he would enjoy this kind of things when he gets older? It would be hilarious to see George's reaction first time they enter a muggle bar... George. This would be much funnier if he was here as well... but Loré have been a better friend than him lately... maybe he should go and see what Loré was doing. Wasn't he supposed to show Fred something?_

_A lot of giggles snapped him out of his thoughts. Four girls that were MUCH taller than him (thanks to their feet killing high heels) almost pinned him to the wall behind him. "Ehm... hi?" said he awkwardly but they just continued to giggle. "Do you want to have some fun?" asked one of them and held out a drink in front of him. No way he trusted them. "I have fun enough on my own", said Fred and rolled his eyes but they wouldn't let him off the hook. "Don't be a mood killer", said the girl holding the drink. At least two of them had to be over 30!... and the other two older than that! "It's actually YOU that are killing MY mood", answered Fred like the sassy guy the drinks made him to be. "This will make you feel better", said... one of them. Before Fred could react, two of them grabbed his shoulders, one forced his mouth open and the fourth forced him to drink from the glass. The liquid didn't burn as much as the other drinks he had before but it tasted much like that cleaning potion that mom used to clean up wounds with. IS THIS POISON!? "How are you feeling?" asked grandma from next to him and the girls started to touch him everywhere. Nope, they just drugged him... he's not dying... but... NOW THEY'RE MOLESTING HIM!? If this happens to girls all the time then he's never letting Ginny go outside without at least a fake mustache from now on! "Relax, hun", whispered one of them and Fred thankfully remembered what Loré told him before. "I'm Loré's", said he (that was an awkward thing to say) and their hands stopped moving. "What did you say?" "I'm Fathi Loré's gay boy!" Okey, that wasn't what he was supposed to say but he's high as fuck and it sounded more believable. They quickly removed their hands and took a few steps back. "What!?" "I know he liked younger ones but... ". Is she really the one to judge? "You heard me", said Fred and started to back away towards the stairs. He would probably laugh at this later but now wasn't the time. "And he's probably waiting for me.. ". He turned around and quickly disappeared down the stairs._

_It was dark and the last steps were slippery so Fred fell down to the ground. He hit his head but not too badly. He really wanted to leave this place as soon as possible. "Fathi!" called he and stood up. Everything was a little foggy and some colors stood out more than others, like it was 3D."Fathi! Some old perverted grandmas drugged me!" Maybe he shouldn't have yelled that out loud if there were more perverted people around him. He traced his hands over the closest wall until he thought that he found a door. He pressed his ear on it but jumped in surprise when he heard a scream from the other side. A scream full of pain. His heart started to beat faster and faster. What the bloody hell was happening!? Are Fathi in trouble!? Fred debated if he should kick the door in or find help. The latter option sounded more smart because he didn't have his wand with him. But before he could act, a wave of dizzines made him fall forward through the door and onto the ground. The door wasn't closed._

_He groaned and looked up. The room was small but well furnished. It was in different shades of yellow, beige and brown and looked quite fancy. He felt relieved when he saw Loré. The older man had his back towards Fred but seemed unharmed. Fred was about to call out to him but froze when he saw the bloodied body in front of his feet. What the fuck? What happened!? "One word about him and you won't be the only one begging for whatever painful death I can give you. As long as it's death, right?" said Loré to the man on the ground and Fred had never felt so afraid or confused before. The man on the ground raised himself a few inches off the ground with the help of his shaking arms. "Why are you still standing up for that man?" asked he and coughed up blood on the ground. "He did terrible things, to you as well, and now he's just another one of your dead corpses". "I never killed my uncle", said Loré and Fred swore that he rolled his eyes. "I loved him like a father. A bitch killed him". "That's what you get for hitting whores", said the man on the floor and laughed. "And I meant on of the corpses who follows you when you're awake and tear your soul out when you're asleep. Like a father? Kind of a fucked up relationship between a father and a son, isn't it?" Before Fred could blink, Loré pointed his wand at the man, murmured a spell and the man's arms bent in an unatural angle. He screamed out in pain and landed on is already broken nose. "Are you really the one to talk?" asked Loré with an emotionless and cold voice. "I heard that your wife's pregnant, does she know about that little girl?" The man yelled something but it couldn't be heard because his face was right on the floor. "If I remember correctly", said Loré while fingering on his wand. "You were pretty close to your cousin, right? Just like brothers... why did you then impregnate his daughter?" Fred heard the man on the floor starting to sob. "She was only 13, I believe... you loved her, she admired you... you drugged her and you drugged yourself so you could live with yourself afterwards... but you both remembered everything and she became pregnant". "I didn't mean for that to happen!" cried the man and tried to crawl away with only his knees working. "I was depressed, suicidal and felt like I didn't have anything to lose! I-I'm not trying to blame something else for MY mistakes b-but that was ages ago!" Loré took a few steps closer to the man and grabbed his arms before twisting them so much that the bones pierced through the skin. The blood curling scream made Fred curl into a ball while shaking. He tried to tell himself over and over that this was just the drug playing tricks on him but he had never felt more awake than he did at that moment. "Things go down when you let your own emotions take over your actions", said Loré through clenched teeth and tied the man's arms around his back. The blood was gushing out and the screams sounded like it was piercing the man's throat like tiny knives. "Don't panic little worthless man". Loré smiled a motherly smile and tied the knot harder. "Remember what happened last time you really panicked". The man screamed something but all Fred could hear was a disgusting gurgling noise thanks to all the blood pouring out of his mouth. "Or do you want me to remind you of HOW your cousin's daughter LOST your child?" The man screamed once again and yelled something that sounded a lot like: "No, no, no no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". Loré sat down on his knees next to him and grabbed his hair. "Maybe I should warn your new girl about what can happen when you panic!" The way Loré raised his voice made Fred crawl backwards into the closest corner. Tears fell down from his eyes, tears of fear, and it felt like his voice had left his body. "I may have a lot of corspes following me around, raping my soul... but your corpses have the loudest voices, right? A little 13 years old girl and her baby... why did you kill us? Why did you kill us? Why did you... ". "STOP IT!" screamed the man and Fred yelped in fear. "Don't worry sweetie... someone else might get the chance to take your baby away this time! If your girl's not behaving that is". Before the man could answer Loré stood up and pointed his wand at the man once again but it wasn't the killing curse like Fred had expected... this was so much worse. Every bone in the man's body twisted themselves even after they had pierced through the skin. Blood splattered everywhere, some even got on Fred's shoes. It was then his voice finally came out and he screamed... oh he really screamed. Loré jumped in surprise and turned around with his wand ready for attacking. The second between Loré turning around and then him realizing who was in the corner pierced Fred through his soul. The glare, glare of a maniac, looked at him behind a mask of a monster. Loré's eyes became softer when he saw that it was Fred but the next thing he said both surprised Fred and scared him at the same time. "Oh it's just you, Fred. I was just about to go and get you". Loré took a step to the right so Fred could directly look at the mutated corps in the middle of the room. "Being creative have always been a good way of expressing your emotions... but I got tired of pens, papers, clay, whatever you can use! Human bodies doesn't just work as something you can shape after your darkest imaginations... it also works as a punchingbag... that bleeds". Fred started to shake more violent and he almost tried to claw his way through the wall behind him. "But I guess it's better to slash others instead of yourself, right?... stop that, don't make yourself bleed", said Loré concerned and knelt down before grabbing Fred's hands that had ben attacking the wall violently. Fred started to scream in fear but Loré covered his mouth and hushed him like he was a baby. "It´s okey Fred. I reacted almost the same way when my uncle showed me his art... I'm nowhere as talented as he was". Fred felt his body turn to stone as Loré picked him up like he was nothing". "You're drugged", stated Loré with a voice full of malice. "Don't worry, I'll get them back for what they did to you". Fred was just about to beg him not to because he had a strong feeling about what Loré would do to them but the full power of the drugged drink from before hit him and he fell asleep._

* * *

The fisrt thing Fred did when he came back from the flashback was screaming. He screamed and screamed while tugging his hair. He fell down to the ground as he vomited all over it. "Oh shit!" exclaimed Jack and knelt down beside him and started stroking his back. "This memory must've really been a hard one". Coliette looked at Fred interested. Finally a memory of importans. Abe also sat down next to Fred and whiped away his tears. "Calm down Weasley. It's over, it happened years ago. He can't hurt you now", Abe tried to calm Fred down but it didn't do much. Fred felt betrayed, disgusted, afraid and a lot of other feelings that he couldn't identify. _"How could he do this!? Why did he ki... ki... why, why, why!?"_

He curled himself into a ball when his stomach was finally empty. It probably was a quite disgusting sight, him crying like a baby in his own vomit but he couldn't care at the moment. He actually wished that the vomit would turn into a deep puddle that could swallow him whole and let him drown with his painful memories. "We have finally found something of use!" exclaimed Coliette and stood up. "We'll be done soon child! Only one more session... ". "NO!" yelled Fred and shook his head violently enough to make it fall off."I-I don't w-want to kn-know more! P-please don't make me!" Begged he and Jack hugged him tightly despite how disgusting he was at the moment drenched in tears and his own insides. Coliette looked at him sympatically and sighed. "I'm sorry but we have to continue". "B-but th-this is proof e-enough! He did... ". "We need to have as much proof as we can get our hands on", said Coliette, clearly sad about hurting Fred. "Plus, if nothing happened on your seventh session... don't look at me like that, I would never force you into this if I didn't have another choice but... you want him to get punished, right?" Fred sobbed and nodded. "Then I'm sorry but we have to continue... one last time, alright love?" She had never looked so caring before. Despite the voice in his head screaming at him and his feelings choking him, he nodded. Abe and Jack helped him up because he felt way too weak to stand up by himself. "Let's get you cleaned up... and you'll probably need to rest". _**"Guess who's gonna have nightmares tonight!"**_


	9. Session 7, it´s too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sadistic

_"He was my friend, why?" **"You**_ _ **could've told them. You could've told them about what he had done. You wouldn't sit here crying if you had told them!"**_ Fred grasped his hair and yanked it. _"SHUT UP! Please, stop!" **"You don't deserve silence! You're a coward! You saw him murder someone and you didn't report him?"** "I don't know why... I was eleven at the time! I was a kid... ". **"You're STILL a kid and you'll ALWAYS be a kid".** "S-stop". **"How many more will die until you'll stop shivering in a corner!?"**_ _"I'm begging you, stop it!". **"Why are you crying Freddie? You don't deserve pity, not even from yourself!"**_ Fred whiped violently away his tears that couldn't stop falling. He knew that he didn't deserve to feel sorry for himself but he just. couldn't. stop. the. tears. _**"You saw what he did years ago and shut up about it? How many people have he been hurting, no KILLING since that? You selfish brat! You're responsible for maybe hundreds of people's deaths!"** "Please... ". **"YOU ARE A MONSTER! JUST LIKE HIM!"**_ "NO!"

"Fred? Is that you?" Fred snapped out of his thoughts and it took him a few minutes to remember where he was. He was in a bathroom stall, a place he had been escaping to lately every time his mind decided to really space out and fuck him up. Not the most comfortable place in the world but better than nothing. "I´m pretty sure that I heard your 'angelic' voice from here, Fred". It felt like he snapped out of a second bubble when he heard the voice again and he winced at the sudden pain on his upper arm. Did he accidently get hurt before coming here? One quick look at his arm and no, it wasn't on accident. He yelped and retrieved his now blood covered nails from the small holes in his skin. "Bloody hell!?" He slammed the door open and ran to the closest sink. He quickly washed away the blood from underneath his nails before starting to attend his tiny, but pouring, wound. _"Shit, shit, shit, shit! What did I do? Was it you?" **"No everything that happens with your body is all you, buddy. It feels good, doesn't it?"**_ "There you-AH come one!" Fred turned around and his eyes widened when they landed on George. The younger twin looked irritated and had his arms crossed over his chest. Fred started to panic but tried to keep his cool. "What is it George?" asked he nonchalantly and George scoffed. "You got in another accident, didn't you? Where did all your luck go?" Fred was relieved that George thought it was an accident... but should he tell him? _**"No! It's YOUR problem so YOU deal with it, you whiny baby. Besides, he would've noticed if he cared".**_ It felt like the pain in his throat was the truth that he was trying to swallow. "I don't know where it went", said Fred and faked a smile. George was far too focused on Fred's arm to notice how fake it really was. "Maybe you stole it? I see no wounds on you". "Maaaybe", said George with a wink before picking something up from his pocket. It was a bandage. "Pomfrey gave me this after last time, in case this kind of thing would happen again", explained he and wrapped it, not too tightly, around Fred's wound. "She have lost faith in your flexibility as well". "How ressuring", murmured Fred sarkastically. "It's your fault for not being careful", snickered George while the twins left the bathroom.

Fred was still shaken up about his arm. Why did he do that? "Have you been hiding out here all this time?" asked George, clearly amused but also confused. "Yeah. The lesson wasn't worth it", lied Fred. "Trying to be a bad boy?" asked George and laughed. _"No, I don't want you to laugh at me or look down on me"._ "Isn't that what the ladies like?" joked Fred back.

* * *

"Your hands are shaking", stated Jack and Fred looked down at his hands. His hands were trying to shake off his anxiety, it seemed. The need to see his last lost memory was just as great as his fears. **_"Come on. How much more fucked up in the head more can you possibly get?"_** "I really wish that we didn't have to send you back in", said Jack sadly and squeezed Fred's shoulder. Fred looked up at him. "Please just get it over with... I saw a man die in a horrible way... is there even something worse for me to see?" said he with a voice so empty that it made Jack wince. He felt guilty, like he and his colleges where dragging the boy's soul slowly out of his body every session. The hand on Fred's shoulder slipped off and Jack took a few steps closer to Abe. Fred could hear him whisper: "Was this really worth it?" which Abe replied "I hope so" to before the scenario around him changed once again.

* * *

_Instead of waking up in his bed, like he had expected, he woke up in a bed he had never seen before. His head hurt and his eyes where dry and itchi, like he had been crying... oh, that's right. "Don't panic, Fred", he said to himself over and over while slowly sitting up. The room he was in was really small but clean. It also looked really coozy... and it would've felt like it as well if it didn't belong to that monster. The incident felt unreal, like a distant dream but Fred new better._

_The door opened and Fred fell off the bed in surprise. Loré stepped into the room, looking confused as why his favorite student/patient was laying on the ground. "Did you fell?" asked he and laughed. "I have done that a couple of times myself, Dumbledore gave me a pretty tiny bed". Fred didn't understand, why did he act like nothing was wrong? This guy was a maniac. Loré stopped laughing when he noticed Fred's alarmed expression and tense posture._

_"Are you having a hangover?" snickered he after a few seconds of silence. "You drink a lot for an eleven year old". He pretty much comfirmed that yesterday wasn't a dream!? Fred suddenly felt dizzy and threw up on the floor next to him. "Oh poor boy", said Loré and knelt down to Fred's level. Fred of course panicked and crawled backwards so fast that he stumbled over his own hands. The concern in Loré's eyes made him almost throw up again. The older male used magic to clean up the floor before crawling towards Fred who backed into the corner. Unfortunatily, he was now trapped. "What's wrong Fred?" asked Loré and raised an eyebrow. "The drug should be out of your system. It's me, Fathi". It was quiet for like a minute before Fred burst out laughing. It was a laugh without happiness but a laugh of a man who was losing it. "Oh believe me, I KNOW who you are", said he with a crocked smile. "I have actually just seen who you actually are!" Loré touched Fred's shoulders and the smile disappeared from the younger male's face. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Fred removed Loré's hands from his shoulder but he just grabbed both of his shoulders again. Hard. "You seems to be in some kind of after shock mood". "WOW! How could that be!?" yelled Fred with a voice full of sarcasm. "It's not like I saw you KILL someone, right?... oh wait, I DID see you kill someone!" Loré didn't even flinch. "Oh so it's just that's what this is all about?" Fred looked up at him in disbelief. "Just? You KILLED him!" "I had to sacrafice someone for the sake of art. I thought you would understand... maybe you need more time?" "What is there to understand!? You're insane!" That was apperntly the wrong thing to say because Loré's face got dark. Before Fred had time to react, the older male raised his hand and hit him across the face while the other hand kept him in place. Fred yelled at him to stop but he didn't stop until Fred's face became numb. Loré grabbed Fred's hair and forced him to stand up. He tried to free himself but it only made Loré tug his hair harder. "Don't call people insane, Fred", said he through clenched teeth. "It's not nice". He let go off the younger boy's hair and turned his back towards him. Fred slided down the wall while trying to hold back his tears and Loré took a few steps away from him._

_After a few minutes of awkward silence Loré turned around again and looked at Fred with his the same expression as he always wore before this mess. "If you want to go, you better do it quickly", said he but it sounded more like a threat. Unfortunately, Fred was far too scared to move. His mind was screaming at him to stand up and run away to safety but his body was frozen in place._

_Loré looked down at Fred for a few minutes while Fred tried to calm down his beating heart before locking the bedroom door. He also threw a curse over the room, probably so no one could hear them. Fred knew that he was going to die. "It makes me sad that you don't understand my art", said Loré and knelt down in front of Fred. "Your opinion's very important to me". He caressed Fred's cheek before pulling out a knife from his pocket. For a second Fred thought that he was g_ _oing to stab him but instead Loré lifted his other hand in front of his face and placed the sharp edge of the knife on his already scarred wrist. Not hard enough to actually draw blood. The instinct to just grab the knife and throw it away was almost enough to make Fred move but he was still far too scared. Why did he want to save the man? Why? "I learned from last time... how to end it through this way I mean", whispered he with eyes eyes boring into Fred's. "I failed last time because I just wanted some attention but now I don't mind if I die. So tell me Frederick... should I put. a. little. more. pressure?" The knife cut through only the first layers of skin so a few drops of blood fell down into his lap. Before Fred could help it, he yelled "No!" in a whisper and forcefully removed the knife from the older man's hand before throwing it away. The man smiled while Fred started shaking. He just had another person's life in his hands, a horrible person no less. There was no winning in that situation. He would've hated himself for letting Loré die but now he hated himself for letting him live... he also hated himself for even thinking like that. "Do you know what that means?" asked Loré and licked the blood off his slowly bleeding wrist. "Your feelings about me beat your opinion of my actions. That's why you didn't leave... I'm far too important to you". Fred felt disgusted with himself because it was true. Loré was his friend, even though he was a murdurer. Loré grabbed Fred's chin and forced him to look up at him. "I see so much of myself in you... it's almost like looking in a mirror". That sentence snapped Fred out of his ice cold trance. "I. Am. Not. Like. You", growled he but Loré's expression didn't change and instead he started massaging Fred's chin with his thumb. "Maybe not now... I'm not sure if I would've liked you as much if you was". Next thing the man did surprised Fred, more than anything ever had. Loré had closed the distance between them and pressed his lips on Fred's. Once again, Fred turned into a statue. He felt sick to his stomach but far too afraid and surprised to move. Kissing a male had never really been on Fred's list, especially not someone probably twice his age. Randomly kissing a dude at a party when he turned sixteen was expected because of alcohol (please God let it be someone I know well like Lee) but this only made him feel dirty._

_The willpower finally returned to Fred so he used all his strength to push the older male away. Normally an eleven years old wouldn't be able to do that but Loré wasn't expecting it and fell backwards and hit his head on the floor. Fred stood up, whiped his mouth hard enough to rip his lips and ran to the door. A door that he knew was locked, but he had to try. "You should've left while I gave you the chance", said Loré with an emotionless voice and stood up. "Life doesn't give second chances... it's time that you know that". Slowly, fred turned around to face him but could only see the maniac's back. "You gave me a second chance when I starved myself", said he in a quiet voice that clearly showed how betrayed he felt. Loré turned around with a scary smile. "Correction, you THOUGHT I gave you a second chance... just like I thought you would give me a second chance". "A-a second chance t-to what?" stuttered Fred, suddenly feeling very tired. The other man seemed to be tired as well but pulled up a bottle of something from his pocket, took a sip, the tiredness disappeared from his face and he put the bottle back in his pocket. "Isn't it obvious, dear Fredrick?" Loré pointed his wand at Fred and Fred felt some sort of force drag him painfully over the floor and into the arms of his predator. "A second chance at love of course... all those jokes... I guess they had some truth behind them". "Let me go!" screamed Fred and tried to struggle out of his grasp._

_Fred became more and more tired until he was unable to struggle anymore. Even the voice in his head got less loud but Fred couldn't make out what the voice was saying. Loré let go of him and he fell into a limp heap on the floor. "I knew you would reject me", said Loré and walked over to his desk. "I remembered that second chances don't exist when I saw you fall asleep or when I later slaughtered those people who tried to take you away from me". The word slaughtered made Fred almost cry. Because of Fred... everyone who had touched him, either by accident or on purpose, would never be able to party ever again. The blood were on his hands. "Are you seriously feeling bad for them?" asked Loré and raised an eyebrow. "They. deserved. PAIN!" yelled he and threw his chair across the room, scaring Fred even more. "They weren't even good enough for art... another kind of ugly then me... and you... our kind of ugly can be beautiful... I hope you can shape me one day but today... you'll be my masterpiece". "NO!" yelled Fred with tears building up in his eyes because had seen what Loré's **art** really was. With the last of Fred's powers he tried to crawl towards the door, stumbling over his own dead limbs. The voice was screaming something and laughed but Fred couldn't understand what he was saying at the moment. The closer he came to the door, the more drained he felt. It felt like he was surrounded by darkness that tried to swallow him and the only saving light was the door. But he couldn't reach it._

_He wasn't strong enough so he fell, wide awake but in a state worse than death (something that kills the body but not the mind)."I used a special lipbalm today", Said Loré and loosened up his tie. "It's not dangerous and I have the cure if I'm wrong... people just tend to learn esier when they're quiet". Fred felt the vibrations in the ground as Loré walked towards him. "Not like you'll remember this lesson for long". "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!... !"_

* * *

"NO! NO! NO! NO!" "Fred! Calm down!" but Fred only kept on yelling. His eyes wre glossy so the others couldn't tell if he really was back or not. His whole body started to shake and tense up like he was electrocuted by some muggle device. His breathing didn't sound good and it sounded like was choking. "Lay him on the side in case he faints!" cried Coliette out and the men grabbed Fred's shoulders and forced him down on the floor so the possibility of him choking reduced. "Abe! Get help!" yelled Jack while trying to keep Fred from clawing at his skin. Abe nodded and ran off.

Suddenly Fred stopped moving and for a moment the remaining people in the room feared for the worst. Then he flew up from the ground and ran away from the room. "Fred!" "WEASLEY!" he heard them call after him but he refused to go to the hospital wing again. Madam Pomfrey couldn't heal him from this. Nothing could. This wasn't just a bleeding wound or a broken bone... it couldn't be healed with magic.

He ran until he found an empty classroom. He barricated the door, hid under a table, curled into a ball and started to cry. He cried so hard that he couldn't breathe and his chest was hurting like his heart was hammering on his ribs, splitting the organ and breaking the bones. He didn't want to think or feel. _"Can't that loud heart just stop for a second and let me take one painless breath!?"_ Those nightmares he had been having, it had all been about Loré. The monster of a man tormented him even before he got his lost memories back. _**"Stop crying you pathetic child. You can't cry the pain away, life won't cuddle you forever. If you want the pain to go away, take. the. pain. away".**_ Fred sobbed and nodded. He pulled his sleeve up and removed the bandage. It had almost healed. _**"Take. the. pain. away".**_ Fred dug his nails in the almost healing flesh and dragged his nails until he reached the end of his knuckles. He did it again and again and again and again and...

The voice suddenly got silent and it threw the boy off guard. When was the last time everything really got silent? His blood stained hand and made a small puddle on the floor but he didn't care. The pain in his hand made breathing easier. Like he was distracting the emotional pain. _"This self-medication works better than any potion"._ Fred closed his wounded hand and dug his nails in the palm of his hand. _"I can't depend on others with my pain. I will carry this burden alone"._


	10. A few years later, Hermione

_*A few years later*_

Hermione's intelligens could be debated in her opinion even though the matter seemed much more clear for everyone else. If anyone would get the question: "Are Hermione smart?" at least 99,99 percent would without a doubt answer yes. Hermione would of course answer yes in a heartbeat but it wouldn't feel true to her. When you're really good at something, it's a big possibility that everyone won't see anything but that. But the one possesing the talent are most likely to see everything that they're not that good at and even focus far too much on those things. You see, her brain was all Hermione had but even that was flawed.

She didn't have many friends while growing up, everyone around her felt stupid compared to her and mocked her because of that to feel better. But in her opinion, the stupid one was her. Books can teach you everything, well everything but how to be a fellow human being. No one ever taught her how to hold a conversation made out of nothing, how to follow rules (social rules) that aren't written down on a paper or how to make friends with people without accidentily insulting them. To say at least, she was socially stupid no matter what everyone said. It was a miracle that she even got friends, two outcasts yes, but friends neverless. Ron and Harry made her feel less stupid and more like she actually belonged but deeper problems surfaced when she got older. When she was younger, she thought it was kind of ridiculous to be obssesed over something as shallow as your looks but the older she got the more it all made sense to her. If you're not religious then you know for a fact that the human race is a virus who's only purpose is to populate the earth. Even though the need to just create more life and keep them alive died out long ago because of equality and new possibilities but it's still something that will awlays follow the human race like a never dying gene. Is it really that weird for Hermione to want to look good enough for anyone to want to making a future generation with? Probably not, knowing human history... at least the muggle version. She blamed that need for her new obsession with how she looked, it's after all what the norms are based on, aren't they? Sometimes she felt like people who couldn't/didn't want to have children where the ones truly free... but then she remembered about that lesbian couple who her mom befriended a few years ago and how they where shunned for not being able to create their own offsprings... yeah, they where probably mostly shunned for "worse" things but that's at least a problem. You. Can't. Escape.

"Wouldn't it be amazing?" Ron's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. He had that stupid and kind of funny expression again, that one mostly stoned people had (but she had already made sure a hundred times before that he didn't touch any drugs). He was lucky that he was so cute though. "What would be amazing?" asked she and looked at Harry for some kind of answer. Needless so say, he had no clue of what was going on either. Ron didn't look very happy about that fact but he just shrugged it of. "Being a part of the triwizard tournament, of course". Hermione and Harry sighed in unison. Of course Ron was talking about that, he hadn't shut up about it since the announcment. Hermione opened her mouth to say something but Harry beat her to it. "You should know by now that neither me or Hermione's as excited for long lived fame and broken bones as you are". "Yeah. Harry have enough of that and I think it's stupid", agreed Hermione but Ron ignored them. "You just see the negative parts... ". "But if you're really desperate, you can just try that lovely potion Fred and George made", joked Harry with a smirk. "It may work better on you and you'll get a awesome beard that you can compete against Dumbledore with!" "Oh sod off", mumbled Ron and threw his shoe at the shorter boy who dodged right on time. Hermione couldn't help but smile a little at her friends. She loved these little moments.

The door to the commonroom opened and in came two red heads and their squad. "The twins have been de-bearded!" yelled Fred with his hands in the air and most of the people in the room started laughing. "I have never seen a man being so happy about losing his facial hair before", commented Ginny from her and Neville's table. "We're not worthy of the pre-teen santa beard yet", answered George sadly whish made everyone laugh again. "You should just give up on being men and start using bras", commented Lee and the twins nodded. "Maybe you're right", said they in unison. "Ginny... ?" "No you're not borrowing my bras!" snapped she and turned away from them. "You're not borrowing mine either", said Angelina quickly but a little amused. Hermione hid her face in her book so they wouldn't see her smile. They knew how she felt about their antics, the last thing she wanted was for them to get the satisfaction of seeing her smile because of them. "Don't worry boys!" called Harry over to them. "You can borrow mine!" "Harry, you are... ", said Fred. "... an amazing girl friend", added George and Hermione couldn't hide her laugh this time. She managed to muffle it with her hand but the expression on the twins' faces told her that they had heard. They smirken and walked over to the trio before taking seats on each side of the bushy haired girl. "So you don't... ". "Find our humor too childish for once, Granger?" "She's a girl", sneered Ron. "Bra jokes are probably fun for her. Don't bother her". The twins' eyes turned to him. "Jealous that we're going to bite her nefore you get the chance?" asked Fred and Ron crossed his arms. "Keep your demon fangs off of her". "Does all Weasleys share the same bite-kink or what?" asked Lee but no one answered him. The twins turned to look at Hermione again. "Asnwer us honestly, Granger", said Fred. "Who would look better in a bra? Me or Fred?" The intense stare almost made Hermione burst out laughing again. She turned to look at Fred. "Sorry Fred but I have to say George... ". Everyone looked shocked at that she actually answered the question. "... Because even though I have never seen any of you without a shirt, I can still guess that George have... ". "Bigger knockers?" asked George before bursting out laughing. Hermione turned to him for a second. "Well, you do have more meat on you... your facial features aren't as sharp as Fred's". George covered his heart with one hand and faked a hurt expression. "ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?" yelled he and Lee hugged him from behind and said in a fake loving voice: "It's only more to love, darling. Only more to love!" "I'm starting to think that I'm the only man in our group", said... Angelina and George and Lee glared at her. Hermione gave Fred a quick glance and was surprised to see that her answer was satisfying to him. She could relate though. As a girl, she loved when people called her thin after all. Hermione had never really understood why most people had such a hard time telling the twins apart. Except for Fred possibly being thinner, he were also paler and alwys had dark circles around his eyes. Which was probably because of his insomnia (if he was still suffering from that) that was the cause (she hopes for his sake that his sleep had gotten better). How could nobody else have noticed these differences? Maybe they weren't as observent as she... yeah, that was probably the reason...

* * *

Hermione didn't really eat much for lunch, but it turned out to be a good idea because her stomach started to play funny games as soon as Dumbledore called out Harry's name. It's was not expected but it wasn't that much of a surprise. Bad things tend to always happen to him for some reason. The whole room was silent and Harry became a statue. Despite not liking what was happening, Hermione encouraged Harry to go to the front of the room... just like the other triwizard tournament champions before him had done. Everyone's eyes followed Harry and her heart ached for him, he must've felt naked and exposed. Ron didn't seem to share Hermione's concern, he actually looked quite betrayed. That wasn't really a surprise either, Ron really wanted to be a part of the games. She was pretty sure that Harry didn't plan for this.

"Does this mean no bra party?" whispered Fred and she smiled despite the situation. "I am somehow not surprised", said Angelina and rested her head on her hand. She was clearly a little upset that she didn't get in. Being a little older than the twins made her able to legally put her name in the goblet (no beard for her). "Why not?" asked Dean. "Because all the shitty things happens to that poor kid", answered Angelina and everyone agreed. "Well... the triwizard tournament will become... ". "Even more interesting this year", said the twins but the worry for her friend only grew within her. Ron still looked angry but she thought that he was at least a little worried deep down. Boys were raised in a way there anger always must come first so she was not judging him. "Don't worry, Granger", said Fred and she looked at him. "That boy is incredible", said George. "He wouldn't die if you killed him... literally". "Yeah, you-know-who proved that". They smiled at her before turning around to talk with their own little group. Hermione didn't know why she felt so warm on the inside.

"Aren't you hungry?" asked Ron after a while when he noticed that she hadn't touched the food on her plate. "No. It's all yours", said she before standing up and walking out of the room. He wouldn't follow her, he would just eat her food. Feelings wasn't really something boys understood well so she used to wonder a lot why she wasn't born a lesbian... or why every girl. Where was Harry? She needed to talk to him about what happened, why he was choosen for this dangerous game. Dumbledore surely wouldn't let him participate, right?

A door she just passed opened and she jumped in surprise. "Stealing from me again, Granger?" asked Snape ans stepped out of the room. Hermione raised an eyebrow at him. "What are you talking about? I haven't taken anything from you". "I have no idea about what you, Potter and Weasley have planned for this year but I'll keep my eyes on you". And with that, he disapeared back into the room. He left a very confused girl behind.


	11. Damn staircase

Sometimes Fred wondered if he was the only one who could never be truly alone. The only one who wasn't followed by a voice trying to correct him, giving him a headache, bad dreams and flashbacks? It sometimes felt like he was the only one. He would never be alone in the way he longed after. It was like an never ending nightmare. _**"Stop the self-pity now. Aren't you supposed to meet up with George and the others to visit**_ ** _hogsmeade or something?"_** _"Oh yeah, that's right. I don't want to go outside". **"Buhuu. I told you to play sick. You're just going to ruin it for everyone".** "I'm not that hopeless!"_

"Get up from bed you lazy cow". Fred opened his eyes and saw George looking down at him. "The bed has choosen me", answered Fred and covered his face with the blanket. "I can't betray it's trust". _"Screw going outside"._ "Being tired makes you sound high", commented George. "What does that mean?" "Nothing. Get up. Now". Two hands shoved themselves under Fred's back and lifted upwards until Fred's face hit the ground. "Nice going George", murmured Fred with his face still buried in the ground. "When you can't get your brother up from bed, give him amnesia... Good idea". "Shut up, Fred", said George and started to roll him further away from the bed so he wouldn't be able to climb up on it again. "Euw, your clothes are so wet with sweat! Wear less you bloddy mummy!" "But shouldn't you get your partner wet?" asked Fred which made George let go of him. "I'm starting to think that you actually want to be a woman". "Because of all the jokes? Ginny wouldn't have existed if I was born a woman". "That's true", said George and scratched his cheek. He stood up and walked towards the door. "Hurry up, we're leaving in a few minutes. You'll have to wait and eat when we're there". "Yippie", said Fred sarkastically as George left the room.

"Getting up in the morning gets more and more painful", groaned Fred and stood up. "Life keeps fucking me over". **_"Stop complaining. You're a white, cis, hetero male who's getting good education, food on your plate and have a functional family and cirkle of friends. Enjoy your_** ** _privilege, you spoiled brat. There is people starving, consider yourself lucky"._** _"I'm sorry, I know I should be thankful"._ He made sure that he was alone in the room and he quickly changed his clothes before leaving the bedroom.

* * *

It felt a little weird, going to hogsmeade without Harry, for Hermione. He was one of her best friends after all but he and Ron were still on a rocky road. She went with Ron because she had always had a weak spot for him. Hermione hoped that the feeling was mutual.

"Where do you want to go first?" asked Ron after a few minutes of silence. Hermione looked away from the window and her eyes landed on the ginger in front of her. "I don't know, maybe we can get something to drink?" "Sure", said Ron and smiled.

The train stopped and they left. Maybe this day wouldn't feel so weird after all? She slipped but Ron grabbed her hand before she could fall to the ground but didn't let go when they started to walk again. A day together might be more fun than she had expected.

"RONALD!" she spoke too soon. The pair turned around and saw the twins run towards them. The rest of their friends were a few feet behind them. Can't they just let them be for once? "What do you want now?" asked Ron irritated and let go of Hermione's hand so the twins wouldn't use their hand holding against him. Having older brothers must suck. "Can't we just say hi to our little brother?" asked Fred with a fake hurt expression. "Why you hate us?" asked George and Hermione forced herself to not correct his grammar. "Stop with the bullshit", said Ron and groaned. "We just wanted to annoy you", answered Fred. "That's our job", added George. Suddenly it started to rain so the twins ran away with their friends to find shelter. Ron shrugged before he and Hermione also started to look for shelter. There goes a good day.

They all hid underneath a roof that belonged to a little shop (that refused to let them in). "I wish we got to know about the weather earlier", murmured Lee and Angelina started to knock hard on the glass door. "Come on! Open! We're wet and freezing to death!" The owner scowled but let them in. "No touch furniture!" said the owner, she must've been from another country. "No touch! Watch stairs!" said she and walked to the cashier to clean of the counter. So this was some sort of jewelry shop? It looked scary as hell though. "I barily understood her", confessed Angelina and wrapped her arms around herself. "You think you're going to become sick?" asked Fred mockingly and she shrugged. "I didn't know it would rain!" "Aww want me to warm you up?" asked he jokingly and she giggled. They liked to joke around like that because so many people thought they were a thing... they actually tried once, without anyone (even George) knowing but they decided that it would be for the best if they just stayed friends. They weren't sure if other people knew that they were joking though. "Yeah come and warm me up!" answered she and opened her arms wide, almost hitting Katie in the face. Katie glared at her but burst out laughing. "You guys suck", said she. Katie obviously knew that they were joking... and not only because she suspected that they both might be gay (long story). Fred opened his arms just as ridicolously wide as she and walked towards her direction. "By the way, did the lady say something about sta-". Before Fred could finish his sentence, he felt the ground under his feet disappear. He grabbed something in the hope of preventing his fall but whatever he was holding onto fell down the stairs with him.

He landed on his back and heard something snap. "Ow I think I broke my back" "No, you broke the stairs!" answered another voice from the dark and turned on the light. Hermione fucking Granger. The light from the lamp showed Fred that he, indeed, broke the stairs. "Shitty stairs", answered Fred and slowly stood up. His back was at least covered in bruises. "Yeah", answered Hermione and stood up as well. "Why did you grab me?" "Believe me, it wasn't intended. I thought I grabbed something stable". "I guess accidents happens", said she and started to look around. The room was small, dusty, the lamp was very weak and ruined furniture laid everywear.

"Are you hurt?" asked Fred after a moment of silence. Hermione turned to face him and smiled. "I'm alright, thanks for asking. Half my body landed on you", answered she and Fred chuckled. "How are you?" asked she and Fred shrugged. "My back still hurts but I don't think it's serious. I don't think I broke it like I thought before". "Want me to take a look to be sure". "Oh Granger, eager to undress me now when your boyfriend's not here?" asked Fred and wiggled his eyebrows. Hermione rolled her eyes and took a step closer to him, not noticing how he backed into the wall. "First of all, I know that you're talking about Ron and he's NOT my boyfriend. Second of all, yes I'm 'eager to undress you' if it means that I can assure both of us that you're not seriously hurt". Both turned quiet and Fred laughed nervously. "I didn't expect you to be so blunt about this", said he and Hermione blushed a little but he didn't see it. "Am I embarassing you Fred?" asked she and smirked. "That's a first". "I'm not embarassed!" protested Fred. "It was just surprising for me to hear you say that... anyway, no need for you to look. There is nothing you can do about my back if it is broken anyway". "True, I guess", said Hermione and looked up. "Why aren't they trying to talk to us?" "We fell down like four staircases, Hermione. Give them time". "FOUR!? How are you alive!?" "I ask myself that everyday", whispered Fred but mentally slapped himself afterwards. "Did you say something?" "I said; people ask me that everyday". "That's what you get for being reckless". "I guess hehe... ". "This isn't what I expected from today", Said Hermione and sighed. "I would say that I'm sorry like I usualy do when something bad happens... but not even I can cause rain". "You got a point for once", said Hermione when she couldn't come up with a way to blame the twins. "For once?...Ouch Granger", said Fred and covered his heart with his right hand. "That hurt... right in the nipple apparently... unless there is where my heart is". "You're so silly", said Hermione but couldn't hold back a giggle. "But consider how weird you are... I wouldn't be surprised if your nipple was your heart... this is a disturbing topic, to say at least". "For me it's kind of vanilla, I talk about worse stuff on a daily basis". "Vanilla?" "Never mind! You're too PURE and INNOCENT!" Hermione didn't know how to answer to that. Suddenly the look on Fred's face turned serious. "Why are you hanging around us?" asked Fred but opened his mouth again before she could answer the confusing question. "I mean, we annoy the hell out of you and Ron's enough alike us to make you question your own opinions of murder. You could get friends from, for example Ravenclaw, so you are around people on the same level but yet you stick with us. Why?" She didn't expect that question, at least not with such a serious expression. Despite the awkwardness, she smiled at him. "There is never a boring moment... besides, you are like my second family by now". Fred smiled back a smile that was kind and not mischievous like usual. She didn't know why that made her feel weird. "My mom will become totally bonkers if you don't become a Weasley", said Fred and laughed. "She's already planning Ron and yours wedding". "Like everyone else... ", murmured Hermione. "Did you say something?" "No, nothing... ".

"Are you okey down there!?" They heard George yell from above. "God!?" yelled Fred back while looking up. "Is that you, God!?" "Yes my son", answered George with a darker voice. "I said, watch stairs!" yelled the old lady whom Fred answered with: "Yo need stairs! This stairs bad!" in a more bad version of the old lady's accent. "Do not fear, my son!" assured George. "I will send my own son, Black Jesus, to come and get you!" "Oh I'm gonna kick your ass after this George!" yelled Lee and Fred burst out laughing. "Please come and save me, Black Jesus!" Lee's groan echoed in the room. "Look what you have started, George!? You are so dead!" "Well... ", Hermione began. "This have been an interesting day... ". "I agree", said Fred and chuckled. "Want to say something else un-Hermione-like thing before we have to return to the real world?" "Un-Hermione-like?" "Sorry, I meant: REAL-Hermione-like". Hermione looked at him like his head just disappeared. "What is that supposed to mean?" asked she and crossed her arms (once again). Fred looked away and scratched his neck. "Nothing more to say? Well, I have one last thing... ". He leaned in closer to her and her heart skipped a beat (wait, what?). "Please eat", whispered he and every vein in her body turned into ice. " _Did he...? How could he possible... ?"_ But before she could open her mouth, a hand reached down and started to help Fred up. "Thank you Black Jesus!" "Fuck you Fred!" yelled Lee and Fred disappeared up the hole quite quickly. "Are you coming Granger?" called Lee but only one thought echoed in her head. _"How did he know!?"_

* * *

Lee picked up George and threw him over his shoulder as soon as they left the store. "What the hell man!" yelled George but laughed like a maniac at the same time. "What did I tell you inside the store!?" Fred laughed so hard that he almost fell down to his knees and Katie and Angelina covered their mouths. "Put me down!" "Not until I'm done with you!" yelled Lee and started to spank him. "Stop whining! Be a man and take your punishment!" said Fred before bending over in laughter. "What's manly about this!?" asked George while they started to walk. "Are you okey Hemione?" asked Ron as thre twins and their friends disappeared behind a corner. She nodded and it was nothing more with that. She couldn't stop thinking about what Fred said though. _"Please eat"._


	12. Let me fix you

Hermione felt paranoid and transparent, but can you blame her? If someone as shallow and oblivious as _Fred Weasley,_ one of the infamous pranksters, could discover her secret, the whole world must know... okey, maybe that was too unbelievable (and mean towards Fred). People who cared about her didn't confront her and people that disliked her or just didnt't know her didn't either drown her in pity, stare at her like she was the most interesting thing in their boring life, or bully her for being so insecure. How did Fred then see what was happening with her? And _why_ did he talk like he... like he _cared_ about her. _Please eat._ It annoyed her too, the way he confronted her. _Please eat._ He made it sound so easy, like she was a spoiled kid who didn't eat to mess with her parents. _Please eat._ It's not that easy to just start eating like she used to. Not after she opened her eyes. _Please... eat._ Hermione tied her fists as her blood boiled. He obviously thought that he knew more about this than her and that pissed her off more than the fact that he knew about her secret. She. had. to talk. to him.

She stood up from her bed, got a little dizzy because of the low blood pressure, before leaving the room. She felt more tired nowdays and barily left her room.

As expected, she found Fred in the common room, but what she wasn't expecting was for him to be alone. Something dark lingered around him but she couldn't figure out what it was... as far as she knew, it was her own darkness painted on him. That's what it must feel like when someone else get to know your dark secrets and issues. Some of your darkness spill over and torment someone else. Now she felt bad. Why did he have to know? Hermione would be lying if she didn't wish that reality would whipe the mischevious smirks off the twins' faces from time to time but not like this.

"Are you liking the veiw so much that you won't even hide it". The devil's voice broke her out of her thoughts. "No... I was just thinking about something... ". "And your eyes just 'happened' to look at me?" asked Fred sarkastically with his smirk. "You're too full of yourself". "Well no one else is full of me". "Euw". "Yeah, that came out wrong". "Never talk again". "Okey". They just stared at each other in silence. "I think you know why I'm talking to you", said Hermione and Fred sighed. "I know the subject but not the direction... I guess this is a threat for my silence". Hermione crossed her arms (make this sentence a drinking game). "Does anyone else know?" "Not what I know of. I haven't told anyone but I might not have been the only one to notice... I can't say for certain but I think I'm the only one", said he and gave her a ressuring smile. "Oh thank god", said she and breathed out relieved. "I guess you still have some questions, Granger. Wanna get out of here so we can speak more privetly?" suggested Fred and stood up. Hermione nodded and followed him out of the commonroom.

They went down the moving stairs and out of the castle. Fred lead her to a spot under the bleachers at the quidditch pit and they sat down next to each other on the slightly moist grass. No one said anything at first, the silence was tense but awkward.

"For how long have you known about me?" "About your _eating disorder?_ " Hermione flinshed. "Since school started again", answered he and shrugged. "And honestly, for a smart person like you, you are really stupid for falling for something like that". She glared at him. "What are you on about?" "You're stupid for starving yourself". "Maybe I am but it's complicated!" "The human brain in general is complicated!" scoffed Fred and looked away from her. He was right even if it sounded pretty unedicated and insensetive. "Don't say that I don't understand what you're going through, Granger. You only know what you want to know about me", said he angrily and Hermione raised an eyebrow. "What is that supposed to mean? No wait, I'm pretty sure you won't give me an straight answer". "It's because this isn't about me, it's about you", said Fred and turned to look at her again. Hermione saw anger, irritation and also concern in his eyes. He did actually care. "I'm not here to make fun of you or use this against you any other way. I have waited patiently for you to get help or at least tell the rest of the golder trio... or just Harry, Ron needs explaining and time and that should not be your first priority. Ron is a bit slow concerning mental health, which is something you have to keep in mind if you're going for something more than friendship but I know that he really cares about you". Hermione blushed and looked away. Fuck you for that Fred Weasley. "The point is that I want to help you". Hermone turned her head to look at him so fast that her neck hurt. "I don't need your pity, Weasley. This has nothing to do with you". "As someone who _cares_ about you, it has everything to do with me. Do you know what lack of food does to your body? At first you gain weight faster because the body don't know when it will get food next time. Your bones will shatter easily, your hair will get worn out and eventually fall out, your gums gonna rot, your body will grow a lot of hair to keep you warm because without body fat you'll fucking freeze and a lot of other things gonna happen! If you continue with this, your brain will work less and less, your body will slowly shut down and you'll find yourself at fucking st mungo's in a bed dying with a pipe down your throat!" The reality of his words hit her in the face like a huge rock. A picture showed up in her head, a picture of her in a bright white room on a bed covered in white sheets. Her skin was even paler than the sheets and hugged her bones tight enough to tear. Her cheeks were hollow, her eyes slightly open and empty and her brown lifeless hair stood out like a sore thumb. Her mouth was covered by some sort of mask that was helping her breathe and IVs was in her arms. Hermione wasn't alone in the room though. On her right side were her parents, crying in each other's arms and blaming themselves.

"Hermione? Are you there?" asked Fred and waved a hand in front of her face. She flinched but nodded, not trusting her voice because of the lump in her throat. What have she done? Fred noticed that something was off. He moved closer to her so their thighs were touching and then wrapped his arm around her shoulder. At first she tensed but then (to his surprise) she leaned towards him and rested her head on his shoulder. He thought she was going to push him off. "H-how... how d-do you know about all this?" asked she and Fred noticed how she was trying to hold back tears. Another time he would probably have made fun of her for that. "Maybe a proffessional told me some time when I asked... maybe a friend of mine used to suffer from it... maybe I tried to help a ex who had it... or maybe I read it in a book", answered Fred with a smirk while rubbing her shoulder. "The answer is for me to know and you to guess". "Come on Fred, give me more than that", begged she in an jokingly way and he chuckled. "I tell you what, I will tell you IF you let me help you AND if I see some improvement with your health". Fred let go of her and she suddenly felt more cold. He stood up and wrapped his shirt tighter around his stomach so she could see the outline of his stomach. "I know ways to lose weight in a more healthy way, that's why I'm decently skinny". He made a little ballerina twirl and she couldn't help but laugh. "Fred Weasley's ballerina workout?" asked he and he made a pose. "Fredricardo upskirt's guid to success! It gives you the legs of a swan!" answered he before sitting down next to her again. "So the deal is that if you help me with my... my eating disorder... you're going to tell me how you know about this?" asked she. "Believe me, the truth will shock you", said Fred and Hermione could sense some nerviosity in his voce and it made her more curious. "Okey". She heald out her pinky. "Pinky promise?" "What is that?" "It's a muggle thing. It's like the unbreakable oath... minus the dying. Wrap your pinky around mine". Fred hooked his pinky around Hermione's hesinently. "Okey, pinky promise", said he with a dorky smile.

* * *

Hermione heard Harry calling for her but she continued to run. She couldn't stay in the dining room, not with Ron pestering her to eat a few slices of meatpie because it "tasted like an orgasm in the mouth". Even though it made her uncomfortable enough to leave, she couldn't help but think what Fred would've answered in that situation. He would probably either had made a joke about him being a virgin or asking him if he ever had given someone (most certain a boy) oral sex... and then he would start an uncomfortable discussion about sex. Bad Fred, bad.

"Hermione! Wait!" she heard Fred call behind her. She stopped, far too dizzy and out of breath anyway. "I can't do it, fred". "I can see that... you're bending over with your hands on your knees while breathing like you've just been under water", answered he cheeckily and she glared at him. "I didn't mean running, I mean... what do you got there?" Fred held a basket in his right hand. He grinned. "Lunch, care to join me? I know you don't want to eat among too many people?" She was just about to ask how he knew that until she realized that he would probably not tell her. Instead she smiled at him. "Yeah, i'd like that".

"So Fredricardo, what have you packed for us?" asked Hermione in a joking manner, even I she felt slightly nervous. Fred smiled at her and put down the basket on the grass. "Some things I personally like". Hermione opened the basket and looked inside. "Are you a vegetarian?" asked she amused while preparing the blanket. "Yep, for a little more than two years now", answered he proudly and stroke a super hero pose that made her roll her eyes. "I thought all of you liked eating meat?" "Meat's bad for you and it's pretty hard to consume once you start to think about that it just to be a living creature". That actually sounded sweet. "That's so cute, Fred", said she with a smile and sat down on the blanket. "You're an animal lover like Charlie". "Shut up!" exclaimed he with slightly red cheek. "Don't tell anybody! They'll never let me live it down... ". "Don't your family know? You kind of live together... ". "My parents? Yes because mom makes dinner and tells him everything. Bill? I think so, he always suggest the vegetarian option when we go out to eat. Charlie? Yeah he's kind of a vegetarian too but he occasionally eat fish. Percy? I don't know, not his job to know what his brothers eat. Same with George and Ginny. Ron's an oblivious fuck, he won't get something until someone spell it out to him and I've never straight up told him". "You like talking shit about Ron, don't you? He's one of my best friends". "But he makes it so easy! And I'm his older brother!" Protested he but she only shook her head. "Which remind me, Granger. Don't tell him that we're having dinner together. A jealous Ron is an insensitive Ron". Hermione blushed and looked away. "I don't see how this would make him jealous... ". "Come on! I may not be the hottest guy on earth but every bloke who manage to ask you out to eat is a potential threat for him. Believe me, I know Ron and I know lads". She sighed. "Yeah, sometimes it feels like Harry's even making him jealous-". "But Harry is like your sister!" Silence. "Many people think that Harry's gay because he's not making a move on you, Hermione". Her eyes widened and she didn't know if she should've laugh or cry (of laughter). It also confused her a lot. "Do people really think that Harry's gay?" "Yes! It's kind of hilarious". Fred sat down next to her. "Many people also think that Ginny's a prostitute, Lee's from Mexico, I'm in a incestuous relationship with either George or Percy, that Draco and Harry will get married, that I'm dating Angelina, that Angelina's dating Katie, that Filch have sex with his cat, that Dumbledore is gay, that George had a threesome with Luna and Neville and that I secretly want to be a woman". "Wait... you're not dating Angelina?" That one was actually something she believed. They seemed so tight and perfect for each other... and they always made chocolate and vanilla jokes. "I do those jokes with Lee as well", answered he with a grin and she blushed. "Did I accidentally say that last part out loud?" "Yes, you did. No, I'm not dating Angelina. She's like a sister, like a Harry to my Hermione". "Please don't say that... Fredrica". "NO! Not you too!"

After some friendly arguing Fred started to unpack the food. There was some fruit salad, pasta salad, grilled cheese, sandwiches, pumpkin juice, beans and rice, tzatsiki and blueberry muffins (that Hermione was sure Fred had taken without permission because she didn't see any muffins when she was in the great hall). "I thought vegetarians only ate salad". "You're funny", commented Fred and handed her a glass with pumpkin juice. "And before you're asking, I'm not going to tell you how many calories there is in the food". "I wasn't going to ask that!" Damn he's good. "The goal today is just to find something you like and take at least four spoons of it... you're looking at me like I'm asking you to eat it off my dick!" "And now I'm looking at you like I want to kill you", answered she with red cheeks. That sick pervert! "Not much difference in the expression... which should be a warning for the future... I better warn Ron!" "Do it and I kill you here and now!" "M' SARREH!" "Somehow I don't believe it". "Fair enough, let's start with something easy like tzatsiki". Hermione started to reach out for the yoghurt but withdrew her hand. Why did it feel like she was reaching for poison. "Don't make me feed you like a baby, Granger!" threatened he but she paid him no attention. All she could think of was how far she had fallen to not even be able to _touch_ food. So pathetic.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden warmth on her back. She looked back and saw Fred positioning himself with her between his legs and had her back pressed into his chest. "Wh-what are you d-doing!?" stuttered she with her face only getting redder. What was this feeling? Why did her heart beat so fast? Unknown to her, Fred had a similar experience. He regretted his actions but it was too late to turn back now. "I'm preventing you from escaping", answered he, holding the container with tzatsiki in one hand and a spoon in the other. "While I feed you like a mama bird!... minus the whole 'chewing before throwing up in your mouth thing', that would be a disgusting porno". "D-don't say weird things while we are in this position!" yelled she but unconsciously leaned further into his chest. "I'm trying to make the best of an awkward situation". "That YOU put us in!" "No need to get into detail's, Granger. The master you comply, the faster I can move". Hermione crossed her arms over her chest but sighed in defeat. He took a spoonful and held it in front of her mouth. She opened it and let him put it in her mouth. It didn't feel as humiliating as she had expected. "How did it taste?" asked he next to her ear, his hoot breath tickling her skin. What was going on? "It's... it's... manageable". "That's good enough, three more spoons", said she and she answered with a groan. It actually tasted pretty good but she thought that he wouldn't make her eat more if she didn't love it... maybe he saw through it? He fed her another spoon. "You know... ", he began. "This is kind of... ". "Another sexual comment and I'll end you Weasley!"

Even though she felt disgusting, she tasted everything Fred had brought. She especially disliked the pasta salad (Fred apologized for the olives and pickles), she had a real hard time consuming the grilled cheese but she surprisingly liked the beans with rice and actually ended up eating almost half of it (which saddened Fred in a way because he really wanted to eat it but he was happy at the same time). There was much food left but she felt full and thanks to Fred lighting up the mood through it all, she actually didn't regret anything.

"Care to join me tomorrow at lunch as well?" asked Fred with a charming smirk and stood up. Both suddenly felt colder. "As long as you don't mix olive's with pickle's you sicko", answered she and started to help him packing the picnic. It was sad that it had to end. "I would have asked you for a playdate during breakfast as well but your friends would notice if you're gone every time it's time to eat". "Won't yours?" asked she and put the blanket in the basket. Fred shrugged. "Sometimes my sleeping medications make me a little under the weather. It haven't happen in a while though but they'll assume that's the reason". "So you're still taking those?" asked she a little concerned but he smiled and ruffled her already messy hair. "Everyone have something that becomes your weight to carry. Insomnia is mine but I'll just have to deal with it. No big deal". Fred picked up the basket. When had he become so... _wise?_ "Shaaaall we return my lady?" asked he with a smirk. "I'm going to be the death of you one day, Weasley".


	13. Fred the freak

**_Few weeks later._ **

The first task was over and Harry and Ron were FINALLY friends again! Or like Fred probably would've said: Ron finally managed to drag his fat head out of his arse. Yeah, Fred's an bad influence in a way.

A few times a week he would bring some weird vegitarian food... and make her eat it (or more like feed her). He also made her run in the mornings as soon as he felt like she gained enough weight. An alternative way to lose weight instead of starvation and throwing up. Exhausting but refreshing at the same time. She couldn't explain it but he made her feel weird but not in a bad way. Feelings had never been something easy to understand for her. Not a big surprise though. It was something about him that made her feel... safe and not alone. He had seen her at her best, when her "brilliant" brain was on display... but he had also seen her at her worst.

_"Oh gosh no, Hermione... ". The voice brought tears to her eyes. Why did **he** have to see her? See her like **this**? Her bent over a toilet bowl with her hair messy and greesy with stomach acid running down her pale chin. "Go a-away!" yelled she, her voice cracked and it felt like someone poured icy water down the insides of her burned throat. He didn't leave and she was thankful for that. Being alone was the worst thing right now, she just yelled at him because she panicked. Fred knelt down next to her and wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders. "D-don't! You'll g-get di-dirty", but he didn't care about getting her breakfast on him, intsead he hugged her closer. She sobbed loudly and wrapped her own arms around his waist with her face buried in his chest. "I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry", whispered she but he hushed her and started to comb through her hair with his fingers. Playing with her hair was something he discovered early that helped her relax. "It's okey, it's okey Hermione. I'm not giving up on you and neither should you". Hermione looked up in his eyes. They were filled with sadness, determination, concern, anger... but also understanding and an emotion she couldn't tell. It was a miracle that she could see any emotions at all, her not being good at reading other people and all. "How are you so strong?" asked she in a whisper. "I'm not", whispered he back._

"Who are you going to take to the Yule ball?" she heard someone say to her friend in the distance. Oh yeah, that overrated dance party that shame people who can't find someone to go with... okey, she really wanted to go and was actually thinking about asking Ron (big surprise) but she was also thinking about something else.

"What is wrong with me?" asked she out loud as she walked towards the common room by herself. "I thought I was hesitating because I'm nervous but that's not it, is it?" _"It's because Ron would want to go as a friend and you know it would be much funnier to go with his older brother". Aaaaaah Shut up brain!_ She suspected that his kindness towards her made her more attached to him. Fred wasn't an unattractive male, she would asmit that but he was one of her best friends' (and crush's) big brother. Wait, why was she trying to convince herself not to ask _Fred Weasley._ He was her _friend_ , her third best friend, food couch, therapist, chair and ballerina (he called himself that). Wow, a guy shows that he's not a total douche and you start to think that you're falling for him.

A bad attempt at pronounsing her name snapper her out of her thoughts. At first Hermione thought that someone was poking fun at her but when she turned around to tell the person to go away, she was stunned when she saw that it was Viktor Krum. Why would a well known and popular guy like Viktor Krum want to talk to someone like _her?_ He probably heard that she was smart and wanted to ask for a favor of some sort. Like with the next part of the wizard tornement or something to do with school? First of all, she would either just help Harry or stay out of it. The second option made more sense. Many people asked her for help with homework. "Yeah? Krum, was it?" asked she politely and her face heated up as he gave her a charming smile. "Call me Viktor", said he and took her smaller hand in his. "Will you do me the honor of accompany me to the Yule Ball as my date?" The question threw her off. What!? What did just happen!? "Emone?" asked he and waved the other hand in front of her face. "Oh ah, pardon me Viktor but uhm... why did you ask me?" "Why? Well because you're clever, a good person to your friends and you are the most beautiful girl I have seen for a long time". Her cheeks became redder and her heart started to beat faster. I... I don't know what to say... ". Why is she acting like a stupid teenage girl with a crush on a jock from one of those stupid muggle movies? The reason to why she acted like that was probably because she wasn't prepared for something like this! He had never been such an interesting person to her before. Damn you surprises! "I would like you to say yes if you are interested. I will leave you be if you say no a-". The first impuls was to say no and thank for the offer but something within her felt very touched by the question. Besides Fred's right about Ron, he's so damn oblivious and would probably treat Hermione as a last option which would only hurt her more. Saying yes would not only make him jealous but also provide her with a fun time. Viktor seemed like a nice man, why not give him a chance. "Yes! I mean... it would be fun to accompany you to the Ball", answered she with a smile and he grinned back at her and kissed her hand lightly before letting it go. "That makes me really happy. I'll see you later", he winked at her and left. Hermione started to wonder if this really was a good idea.

* * *

Only first years were in the commonroom... perfect! Now Fred and George could lure some of them to try their products without anyone (cough, cough Hermione) interrupting them. "It's days like these you somewhat actually like being in school", commented George and Fred chuckled. "Yeah I know. Homework won't help us in the future. People like us are not made for old honest hard working in black and grey suits". "Agree. brother dear. By the way, who are you gonna invite to the Yule Ball?" asked George. A dreaded question. A happy Fred would have loved going to a party but this was numb Fred's turn to shine and numb Fred wanted to be alone. Either way, he smirked. "The whole thing is overrated. More of a fairy tale for a girl than a manly man like me. Sorry if I'm crushing your pretty princess dream, George". "My dream's not crushed until my prince leaves me after accidently making me pregnant on Ball night, Freddie", answred George which made his twin and some first years laugh. "And I think I know who you would ask... ". "I swear to God if you say Lee or Oliver I'm... ". "Why would I say their names?" "Because... they are the two dudes beside you that I actually talk to". "And?" asked George and raised an eyebrow. "You're not gay, are you?" "No! it's just the text in the bathroom... ". "What text?" asked George and Fred raised an eyebrow. Didn't George know? "Someone wrote 'Fred is gay' on the wall in one of the bathrooms. I thought it was either you or Lee". George looked really confused. What the bloody hell? "I have never seen anything written but that's kind of funny. You have to show me later!... unless you removed it of course". "Oh believe me Georgie, I tried! But it won't go away! Some magic I'm not familiar with... stop laughing! It's not funny!" "It's amazing!" exclaimed George and wiped away a tear from his eye. _"Really? It's not worth laughing until crying for!" **"What would you know, crazy?"** "I'm not crazy". **"Then who am I?"** "What does that have to do with anything?" **"Who. am I. Fredrick? I'm surely not your friend... ".** "You are my __conscience. You're not supposed to be my friend"._ George stood up. "No George, I'm not going to show you", said Fred and crossed his arms over his chest. "Then I'll make a song about how gay you are". Fred sighed and stood up before leading him out of the commonroom. _"God damnit"._

Fred opened the bathroom door and entered before George. "It's over thee... ". But all Fred was pointing at was a blank wall. "Over where?" asked George and looked around the room. _"I don't understand... I saw it just before meeting up with George in the commonroom"._ "It seems like someone finally removed it", said Fred and dropped his hand. He tried to believe that himself. "Aawww that's rubish!" complained George with a childish voice before leaving the room. Fred couldn't stop staring at the wall. A week of trying to remove it and it just removed itself? Well the prank on him is over. Now, who did it? Shrugging, he turned away from the wall and was just about to leave the room when he heard a loud bang. He jumped in surprise and looked around in the room until his eyes stopped at the same wall as before.

**Fred is gay**

Fred groaned in frustration and kicked the wall. "Come on! This is just stupid and". BANG! Another text showed up on the wall.

**Fred is a fucking fag**

He started to actually become afraid. He had nothing against people accusing him of being gay. He knew that he liked girls, he didn't have to prove it to anyone so they could think what they want. The text had never been so harsh before? _"It's probably a homophobe who thinks I like lads. Better chasing me than someone who actually get hurt by this stuff"._ BANG!

**Fred the dirty fag**

Chills spread through his body. It was an coincedence right? That the word "dirty" was used? Right? BANG!

**You are a fag Freddie!**

He looked around with violent turns with his heart beating a hole in his body. "Who's there! This is actually a messed up prank but I'll give you an E for effort at least!" He tried to laugh but it only came out awkward and nervous. Don't be scared. Don't be scared. Don't-BANG! BANG!

**Filthy weak little faggot,**

**get buried, get eaten by maggots!**

All the letters turned red and started to drip slowly like blood to the floor. "Okey! It's enough! I'm scared! Okey!? Stop it! You got me!" BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

Fred grabbed his hair and took a few steps backwards. Tears were running down his eyes. "STOP IT! STOP IT PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I s-swear!" Four more loud noises. Every one of them made him flinch and the blood from the letters splattered all over him.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

The voice in his head started to sing the text on the wall out loud.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

Loré's voice started to sing along.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

More voices started to sing along. Voices of people he knew.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

They sang it over and over again like a mocking choir. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" The tears couldn't stop running and he fell down to his knees. "Please... please don't hate me". One voice stopped singing after every time they had finished the text. It felt like it was going on for hours with him begging and crying. Soon it was only one voice left... _hers._

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

It felt like he finally could move his body. Fred flew up from the floor and into one of the bathroom stalls. He locked the door and took the fetus position on the toilet seat. Hiding away from the wall. It couldn't see him. _**"Maybe the wall can't but I can... along with the rest of the world".**_ Fred started to scream and hit the brick wall behind him over and over again. He didn't stop until his hands were bruised and his knuckles were bleeding. Now he could finally calm down. "What the actual fuck?" said he out loud and started to chew slightly on his abused hands to keep himself from screaming like a maniac. _**"You are looooosing it booooy!"**_

Fred opened the stall door when some time had passed by. George was probably wondering where he was and he had see if the wall had stopped mocking him. No matter how scared he was. To his surprise, the wall was blank and one look in the mirror told him that the blood was gone too. _**"Loooooosing it moooore daaaaaay by daaaay!"**_ Fred walked towards the sink with shaking legs. Need to get rid of evidence of the mental breakdown... then go to George, make a joke about diarrhea and pretend that nothing happened. **"They aaaare aaaaafter youuuuu!"** He looked in the mirror as little as possible in fear of seeing the black creature again, the man dressed in darkness. He washed his face and fixed his hair and clothes. Fred had stopped crying but his eyes were still red and glassy. _"Come on eyes, dry up"._ _ **"You can't ignore meeeee but you can ignore the eeeeend... but for how long".** "Dry up, dry up, dry up"._

The door opened but he didn't look away from the white porceline sink. It was probably George... maybe he should tell him about this? They were brothers, he would understand that he's in pain, right? He heard multiply girly voices... so it's not George? URGH! Why did girls have to go to the bathroom at the same time! Only one of them had a pee filled vagina! "Omg girls, it's one of the twins", said one of the girls and Fred looked up, putting his fake smirk on. "Well hallo ladies, enjoying the veiw?" _**"You don't even enjoy it while looking in the mirror".** "That's because I keep seeing YOUR face in the background". _The girls giggled. There were five of them, two from slytherin and the other three from ravenclaw. That was weird, normally slytherins only hang out within their house. Maybe the girls knew each other before hogwarts? Or they just didn't care about being in different houses. _"Good for them I guess... I've got such an headache"._ "Maaaybee", said one of the slytherin girls and her friends started to giggle again. Either his tiredness and headache made their advancess annoying... or he might be turning gay... no not all girls are like that. Katie can be a real fangirl but his BFH (best fat husband because Fred became the wife for some reason) Angelina didn't act like that... neither did Hermione. His cheeks turned light pink.

He stopped denying his feelings for the nerdy girl a few days ago. Her brain was amazing, her skin so soft and addicting, her hair so fluffy and not boring, her warm brown eyes that stared up at him like he was either a child or a _friend..._ there was so many things he liked about her, that's why it killed him to see her starve himself. At first he thought he just did it like a friend who didn't want to see her ruining herself like he had done when he was younger. He had feelings for her... but her heart belonged to his younger brother... maybe he could step in when he messes up? Their "relationship" seemed kind of forced and expected. Besides, Fred had really worked hard to help her and keep her happy while Ron only cared about Harry's "betrayal". Ron didn't deserve her... but neither did Fred.

"It's weird seeing you without your twin", said one of the girls. Something told him that they thought that they made him blush. "Yeah but even twins get too old for peeing without each other", joked Fred. "I was actually about to get back to _George"._ He made sure to mention his twin's name so they would know which twin they were talking to. Mostly to not make it more awkward. All girls made sounds of disappointment. "Can't you stay a little longer? There is no more classes for today and I'm sure that your brother can wait". "Yeah, let's talk", said another girl and Fred raised an eyebrow. "Talk? In a bathroom? Why can't we just talk on the way to gryffendor's commonroom?" "That's not enough time!" Three of them took a few steps closer and he didn't like the look in their eyes. "Besides... we're not really in the mood to just _talk_ anymore, if you know what I mean". Fred finally understood what they meant. Wow, Lee would be jealous of this... ANY guy would but Fred wasn't just any guy so he had to do something his male friends would beat him up for later. "I think I understand but I don't have time". Why is it so hard to just say a straight no? **_"Because a real man would say yes"._** His rejection hit them like a hard slap in the face. "I think George would understand if you told him the reason... he would probably high five you", said one of them and stepped closer to the redhead. Fred gulped, a familiar cold feeling he hadn't felt for years spread through his body. No... "Maybe but I am really tired and... well... I just don't feel up to it. I'm sorry, it has nothing with you to do". He tried to walk past them but they wouldn't budge. One of them even used magic to look the door and cast a silencing spell. Alarming bells went off in his head. This was bad, really bad. "Ehm... what are you doing?" asked he nervously. "Making a man out of you, pussy". One of the slytherin girls pushed him to the ground and started to take off her west, tie and white button up. He picked up his wand but her friend managed to disarm him before he could do anything. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Fred", said one of the huffelpuff girls. "If you leave marks on us we will tell Dumbledore that you attacked us and tried to rape us... you are a boy, we are girls so he will believe us. Plus, you wouldn't hurt a girl, would you?" He had never felt so small, looking up at them from his sitting position on the dirty floor. The voice in his head laughed at his lack of masculinity. The girl who disarmed him knelt down in front of him. "Besides... it could happen that we forgot which twin who hurt us... you are George, right?" "Leave him out of this!" yelled he but flinched when she grabbed one of his hands. "Look girls! Looks like we have gotten ourselves a bad boy who likes to beat up his enemies... you ARE a man Fredrick, you just need us to bring it out of you". She dropped his hand and the other girls closed in on him. Fred fought back tears, not wanting to show them how weak he actually was. Couldn't Loré just have killed him when he had the chance?

They all started to remove some of their clothes until some of them were in their bras. It didn't exite him, not at all. They then grabbed him and started to take off his shirt. Fred starte to struggle and scream at them. "Don't be like this babe, we're only trying to fix you". "EUW! Look guys!" yelled one of them who had managed to pull up his sleeve. "He rejected us because he's a freak!" Everyone either said euw or made gagging sounds. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you!? Didn't mommy show you enough love so you started to cut, emo boy?" Fred pulled down his sleeve. He couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They had seen them. "Oh Look! Little emo boy is crying! Mommy doesn't love you, poor baby!" _"STOP FUCKING CRYING, YOU FILTH!"_ The girls started to get dressed again. "Freak, tell anyone about this and everyone will know what a crazy little pathetic human being you are". Their laughter was the last thing he heard before they left him alone. He smashed his head against the wall to prevent himself from screaming. He had to move quickly.

After making sure that the door was once again locked, he sat down with his back against the sinks. He opened his special pocket and took out the knife he had stolen from Snape. _"He won't need it... he'll probably find it on my dead corpse in the future"._ Fred pulled down his pants and placed the knife against his thighs before making a long bleeding line. He stared numbly at the wall in front of him while his hands moved on autopilot. He made six somewhat deep cuts before making a few more on the other thigh. He rarely cut his arms, too obvious spot but he was too eagier last time and didn't have time to do it on his legs. Every sting sent calm waves through his body. _"I deserve pain... ". **"... Before death".**_ The red liquid both dyed the floor and his equally white skinn crimson.

You kind of lose your dignity if you are found dead with your pants down. Fred put the knife on the floor before using his wand to burn the wounds shut. The pain brought tears to his eyes but he still stared at the wall. But the wall wasn't empty this time... the word "Psychopath" stood right in the middle. A clean and simple reminder of what he was. He bandaged his wounds, cleaned the blood off himself, the floor and the knife before leaving. _**"The glass will soon overflow".**_


	14. The calm before the storm

Hermione couldn't help but at least be a little excited that she had a date to the Yule Ball. Even if it wasn't with Ron. Speaking of which, how dare he assume that she wasn't capable of getting a date on her own? She already felt extremly insecure, she didn't need him to put salt on her wounds. But oh boy how priceless Ron's facial expression would be when he discovered that she would go to the ball with Viktor Krum (who Fred thinks Ron's gay for). Fred. _"I haven't seen him today. Not even George knew where he was. I have to tell him the good news!"_ But where could the older Weasley twin be?

Well, George hadn't seen him since they went to the toilet (together?) so she went there first but he wasn't there. "Fred?" asked she but of course recieved no answer. A iron smell reached her nose before she turned to leave. Hermione looked around and her heart started to beat rapitly when she saw a puddle of blood on the floor. "Oh God... what happened!?... Fred... ". She had to find him, he might be hurt! But first... she pointed her wand towards the blood puddle and made it disappear for Fred's sake. He wouldn't want the whole school to know. Hermione then ran out of of the room with a painful feeling in her chest. _Please be alright._

**_Maybe she shouldn't have erased it from her memories as well._ **

* * *

Fred felt kind of lost, even if he walked on familiar grounds. His thighs were slightly sore but the rest of him felt numb. A wave of pain hit him everytime his thighs touched but not enough to break out of the numbness. Fred felt like a lost spirit, gripping his heart tightly so he wouldn't lose the last drop of sanity, with nowhere to go. This feeling, he wasn't sure if he had ever felt like this before. Sure, he had felt numb before but not like this. This time it was like a cold liquid trying to leak from his heart and turn his blood to icy water. _**"Don't let the liquid leak! Bahahahaha your fucking weirdo".** "Don't let me freeze, don't let me freeze... don't let me freeze... am I at the quidditch pitch?"_

Fred jumped in surprise when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned around and all his thought went away as his eyes landed on, an out of breath, Hermione Granger. "Well hello Granger", said he and smirked. "Planing on sneaking into the boys' dressing room or something?" But she still looked worried. They stared at each other in silence for at least ten seconds before she ran over to him and wrapped her arms around his middle and burried her face in his chest. It shocked him but he still managed to let go of the skin above his heart and hug her back. Something was obviously wrong with her. The cold feeling disappeared without him noticing it. "Mione? Are you alright? Did my baboon pig for brother upset you?" she chuckled and looked up at him. Brown eyes meeting blue ones. "No it's just... I had a strange feeling", said she, not being able to ask about the blood in the bathroom. It was probably not even him, he looked fine! For all she knew it was some poor girl's menstruation (couldn't she clean after herself!?). "Oh, okey", said he and hugged her tighter, tucking her head in his neck. Hermione couldn't help but close her eyes and sigh. The embrace was warm and comforting. _"He's alright, everything's alright"._ Her eyes widened when she remembered... this was _Fred Weasley_. "Uhm... sorry for the confusion", said she and let go of him while backing away. "Believe me Granger, this whole day is confusing. Is George looking for me?" Hermione wondered what he meant by that. "Yeah, he seemed kind of annoyed and worried. Why didn't you return to him?" asked she. Not wanting to make the situation even more confusing. Sure, he acted pretty weird but he probably had his reasons. "Weird impulses", asnwered Fred and she rolled her eyes. That sounded like like something he would do. "I almost scared poor little George half to death", said he with a girlish scream and cupped his cheeks. Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed. "Could be the case for all I know", muttered she and extended her hand in his direction (to her own surprise). "Let's return to your abandoned brother". Like someone who had been stuck in a dark hole for a long time but finally found the light, Fred took her smaller hand in his bigger one and walked alongside her towards the castle.

"Ron will be so jealous when he sees this", joked Fred to break the silence. "This would be the least thing for him to be jealous about", Hermione couldn't help herself but murmur. Fred raised an eyebrow and looked at her curiously. "What's that supposed to mean? Did you bang Harry?" "What? No!" yelled she and her cheeks turned red. "I've got a date to the Yule Ball-not Harry". Fred almost stopped walking. _"She-she has a date?" **"What? It's not like you had a chance anyway".** "I-I didn't want to ask her! I was just shocked, that's all!" **"Are you really trying to lie to me? You sure are stupid".**_ His heart started to feel a little cold again but he managed to keep it at bay without grabbing his chest. Fred forced a mischievous smile. "Oooooh! Does little Mione have a date? You're blushing! That's so cute!" _Very_ , very cute. "Sod off Weasley! Wait, you believe me?" "Yeah?" said Fred hesitently. "Why would you lie about this?" "I wouldn't, it's just... Ron didn't believe me". Fred's smirk turned genuine this time. "His face will be priceless when he sees for himself then... who's the lucky guy?... or girl... you didn't dump my brother for my sister, right?" "I wouldn't have told you who it was if I didn't know better", said she and rolled her eyes. "You wouldn't have left it alone". "You know me well", said Fred and let go of her hand when they were finally at the building. "Soooo... who is it?" Hermione looked down at the ground and murmured something he couldn't really hear. She looked like a cute little child like that. "What did you say?" asked Fred and chuckled. "I'm going with Krum", repeated she, a little louder this time. "What? Way to go!" exclaimed he and hit her lightly on her back. _"It hurts so much"._ She hit him back. "Don't hit me! He was pretty cute when he asked me, I couldn't say no. Who are you going with?" "Probably my husband, not George, not Lee, but Angelina". "Why are you calling her your husband?" "Because she calls me her wife", answered Fred like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Why can't you both be husbands?" asked she and Fred thought for a while. "That sounds like a great idea!" beamed he after a few seconds and she smirked and rolled her eyes at him.

_**If she had actually tried to figure out what was really going on with him that time, because something was clearly wrong, could she have prevented that from happening?** _

* * *

The two friends seperated when both where inside. Hermione went to the library (of course) and Fred went to the common room to meet up with George. But he wasn't there when he finally got there. "And he complains that I disappear", muttered he bitterly and sat down on one of the couches in front of the fireplace. Fred focused on the slight pain in his thighs to distract him from his thoughts. But is wasn't enough so he looked around to make sure that nobody looked his way before he started to dig his fingers into the skin. Not hard enough to make it bleed, but hard enough to irritate the wounds underneath. _"Man, I'm really messed up"._

"Hi wifey", said Angelina and sat down next to him. She wrapped her hands around his arm and rested her head on his shoulder. "I got a suggestion that we could be a gay couple", said Fred and stopped digging into his thighs. "Can we be lesbians?" asked she hopefully and he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows. "Sure thing... does that mean we'll both have dresses at the Yule ball?" Angelina laughed. "That's an interesting way of asking me to go with you. Keep the suit if you ever want to get a girlfriend after this, Weasley". Fred held his hand over his heart. "You really care about little me! I love you wife!" "Love you too wifey!" beamed she and they both started to laugh. "Am I interrupting something?" both looked up at a smiling George (who Fred could see wasn't really happy at all). "Only our lesbian love moment", answered Angelina and George raised an eyebrow. "I don't want to know about what that means. I have been looking for you, your twat", said George and Fred scratched his neck nervously. "I still have one arm over if you want to join us", answered he and recieved a hard hit on the shoulder. "I was just kidding! I'm sorry that I just disappeared like that. I wasn't feeling so good and I kind of zoomed out. Perce might not be far off when he calls me stupid". Fred chuckled, George rolled his eyes with a smirk and Angelina looked at him with a concerned expression. "Your behavior only becomes more worrysome", she looked at George sternly. "Can't you see it?" "I'm right here", said Fred, not liking how she talked about him like he wasn't even there. George only raised an eyebrow as an answer to her question. "Seriously, George? And everybody says Fred is the emotionally handicapped one?" She stood up angrily and walked away. "Emotionally handicapped?" repeated Fred, confused. "I know that I'm the less sensetive one but... what's up with her anyway?" George shrugged. "I don't know, I never really understand her lately". "Don't look at me for answers, I'm the _emotionally handicapped_ twin after all". _"Yes, I'm a little bit salty"._ George opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it again. His expression changed many times before he finally said something. And what he said truly shocked him. "Yeah you're right. You're the wrong person to ask about anything. Say, how much about our lives do you know that doesn't have with you to do?" Fred didn't know what to say... until a familiar smell hit his nose. "I thought... I thought you stopped smoking". George glared at him. "Sod off Fred, not eveyone can go through the day without some sort of release". George left the room. Fred smiled sadly and dug his thumbs into his thighs like he had done before. "Yeah... you're right".

_**If George had taken Angelina's words seriously, could he have seen that coming?** _

* * *

Hermione was more nervous than she would've liked to admit when she stood in front of the mirror. She was supposed to meet up with Krum in almost twenty minutes and she was almost done with her hair. For the first time in what felt like forever... she felt _beautiful._ Hermione never understood the girls in movies who felt like princesses in their ball gowns... she still didn't but she thought she felt something similiar. She wondered what Fred would think if he saw her... wait, what? Krum, you're going with Krum, Hermione.

She felt somebody behind her. "Wow Hermione", said Ginny with wide eyes. _"Wait a minute, did Fred ask me before if I was going with her? Never knew he wished that his sister would be a lesbian"._ "You look absolutely stunning!" Hermione looked down at the ground, blushing, before looking up again. "Thanks Ginny, I really like your dress. Who are you going with?" "I'm going with Neville. I think it will be fun", said she but even Hermione could tell that she would rather have went with someone else. Harry Potter, to be exact. It was kind of cute, how she always have had this huge crush on him. It was kind of sad though that he didn't like her back. His current love interest was Cho (even if Fred insisted that everyone thought Harry was gay). Unfortunately, he was also stuck with a one-sided crush. Just like Ginny. _Just like you._ "Neville seems to be a pretty good dancer though", said Hermione, trying to sound more happy for Ginny. "You will probably take over the dance floor". Ginny laughed. "Yeah, he have been practising for a while now. Ron have walked in on him many times. Isn't he going with one of the Patil twins?" The question almost made her a little sad... Not as much as she should have thought. Mostly because of how beautiful the Patil twins were... especially compared to herself. How could she compete with that? _"You shouldn't even try to compete with them. You light up the room far more than them combined",_ said a voice in her head that sounded all lot familiar to Fred's voice... but she couldn't remember ever hearing him saying that. _It's because he says stuff like that all the time._ She shook her head to get rid of her thoughts. "I'm going to meet up with my _date_ ", said Ginny, sounding off at the word "date". Hermione watched as the youngest Weasley walked to the door. "Are you coming, Mione?" _Mione? Fred calls you that._ Hermione didn't know why Fred came up so much in her head. "Go ahead. I'm not finished with my hair", said Hermione and turned back to look at her own reflection in the mirror. "Okey, see you there", said Ginny with a smile before leaving the room.

It felt like a movie in slowmotion when she walked down the stairs. Ron and Harry looked up at her, not really sure if they believed what they saw. Ron thought she looked stunning but as he was just about to say hi to her, Viktor Krum got to her before him. She smiled, feeling like a princess (God damnit) until her eyes landed on one familiar red head a few feet away. Talking and laughing with Angelina and Hermione didn't knew why she felt like she had made a horrible mistake.

_**Didn't everybody feel like that later that week?** _


	15. Can't take it anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty big trigger warning on this one...

"Why are people looking at us?" asked Fred and looked around. Angelina scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Well, who's the weird couple that dances like they have fireworks in their pants?" Even though Fred knew the answer, he still looked around until his eyes landed on two pair of couples sitting a few feet away. "Well not Harry and Ron at least", snickered he and Angelina followed his eyesight. "The Patils seems to strongly agree with you", said she before they turned to look at each other again. Her expression suddenly got serious and the arms around his neck loosened. He knew what she was about to ask. _"I can't keep this up or I'll soon shut her out"._ "Please, Angie. Not now. I swear that I won't lie about being fine if you please just pretend that I am for tonight. I just want a pause and pretend that I'm fine for once", said Fred and looked down at the floor. "Fred... ", whispered she and lifted his chin up so she could look him in the eyes. It probably looked like they were about to kiss for the people around them. "You are one of my best friends and I don't want you to feel sad but at least you were honest with me for once... So I'll let it slide but tell me tomorrow morning, deal?" Fred smiled a genuine smile. It felt like something heavy had left his chest. "Why couldn't we have fallen in love? Life would have been so much easier". "I agree", said Angelina as he twirled her around. "But your eyes are on someone else and I find your brother so much more attractive". _"How did she know?"_ Fred laughed and buried his face in her shoulder. "And you said yes to me?" "Well, you asked first and we have a history". Fred lifted his head and took a step back. "You can't always choose the safe option, it's like taking your gay friend to a date because you know that there's no expectations for you". "You sound a lot like your dad", commented she but he just smirked and kissed her hand in a mock-gentleman way. "I'll stay for a little while longer but then you should dance with George instead... and hope that he didn't go with Lee by choice". "That sounds more like you".

Lee watched as the expression on George's face changed from happy to slightly depressed. "What is it? Isn't our date good enough?" asked Lee and George shook his head. "No it have nothing with you to do. I lost". Lee raised en eyebrow. "Lost? Like on a bet?" "No", said George and eyed a familiar couple on the dancefloor that were dancing like maniacs. "You could have asked her out first, mate", Lee said with a shrug. "You should have told Fred as well about her, but instead you kept quiet. You. Have. No. Right to be mad at him". George groaned and glared at Lee. "He should have been able to see that I felt something for her, but he never pays attention to anyone else but himself... and her". Lee crossed his arms. "And do you know _everything_ about Fred then? Do you know what's going on inside of his head? Or what he does?" George raised an eyebrow. "Of course I do. I'm his twin". Lee shook his head. "If you did know him, you would have added Granger to the people he truly cares about". "Granger? Why little brainy Granger?" Lee smirked. "Because he's talking about her all the time. Where do you think he disappears from time to time? He's eating with her". Now, that was some news George hadn't expected. "What? How do you know this?" "I asked him why he always brought his weird food outside".

The Yule ball was getting closer to an end and Hermione was sweating from the dancing. Her throat was hoarse from all the laughing and her cheeks hurt from smiling. She looked around and saw that people started to leave. As tired as she was, she could understand so she motioned for Krum to bend down to her level so he could hear her more clearly. "I'm tired. Can we leave?" He smiled at her gently, took her hand and lead her away from the crowd.

They left the ball room and walked hand in hand until they reached an empty corridor. She turned to look at him to say goodnight but his lips against her own cut her off. Hermione was too shocked to react and Krum seemed to take it as a good thing so he grabbed her neck to keep her in place. _This is wrong!_

Finally, Hermione came back to life, put her hands on his shoulders and used all of her strenght to push him away. Krum looked at her with an surprised expression. No one had probably rejected him before. "I'm sorry but... ". She took a step back and let go of him. Big mistake. "I'm not... ". Before she could finish her sentence, he was on her again; pushing her against the wall while pinning her arms over her head. He forced his tonge into her mouth and she tried to scream for help. Krum's left hand grabbed both of her wrists and she panicked when she felt his other hand travel up her side toward her chest. Tears started to run down her face when she realized what was going on. _Please save me! Somebody!?_ He gave her breast a hard and painful squeeze before pulling up her skirt. She tried to struggle out of his hold but he was much stronger than her. There was nothing she could do but mentally call for help as he put his hands down her underwear.

Suddenly; Krum flew backwards because a smaller body was tackling him to the ground. "Fred!?" exclaimed Hermione when she recognized the body on top of Krum's. Fred didn't look at her, he just glared down at the scum underneath him. "Why do you think that you have the right to do this?" asked he in a whisper, trying not to get a panic attack. Krum switched them around and started to throw punches at Fred's chest. "No! Stop!" begged she and cried harder, which distracted Krum for so long that Fred was able to push the older boy off him. Fred stood up quickly and kicked Krum in the face before Krum had the change to make another move. Viktor fell backwards with blood dripping from his broken nose. He was still awake, luckily, so Fred didn't kill him or hurt him too badly. Fred grabbed his own chest with one hand and the wall with the other to keep himself from falling to the ground. Hermione only stared as he was coughing and gasping for air.

With one hand holding his nose, Krum was just about to stand back up and attack again but the sound of footsteps stopped him. All three of them turned too look at the new arrivals. Harry, Ron, Angelina, Cho, Cedric, George and a couple of more students stood there and looked shocked. Hermione cried out and ran into Ron's arms, something she probably shouldn't have done. Despite not being able to breathe properly, Fred stood up straight and looked at her with a hurt expression. He didn't understand; _"Do they all think that **I** am the monster here?" _ Ron glared at him. Of course Krum was the victim; he was the one _bleeding_ after all. "What the fuck have you done?" asked he angrily. "I swear if you hurt her as well... ". _"What!? I didn't hurt her, did I?"_ Fred looked at her but her face was buried in _his_ chest _._ His eyes wandered over the other people there (but he was too afraid to look at George or Angelina). "Your brother iz crazy", murmured Krum and stood up. _**"Fucking freak. Can't do anything right".**_ Feeling his eyes burn; Fred turned around and ran away with their gazes burning his back. Hermione turned around and felt her heart sink. "Fred! Wait!" But he was already gone. "Don't go after him", said Ron and wrapped his arm around her waist. George crossed his arms over his chest while glaring at Krum. "Fred may be hot headed, but he's not someone who attacks someone without a good reason". Angelina looked at him with an equally angry expression. "So _now_ you see that something is wrong?" "No time for fighting!" said Lee. "Someone's bleeding on the floor and our _friend_ just disappeared!" George turned around and started to walk away. "He's not a little child, he'll be fine".

* * *

_**"Freak, freak,**_ _ **freak,**_ _ **freak,**_ _ **freak,**_ _ **freak... ".** "Stop it! Shut the fuck up!" _Fred put a lot of pressure on his temples. He didn't know where he was anymore. All he could see was a dark and blurry storm. Dark creatures surrounded him and screamed at him but there was nothing he could do to stop them. _"I can't do this anymore... ". **"End the pain! End the pain!"**_ said the voices over and over again. "I said: SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. "Fred!?" Stab. stab, stab, stab. "What are you doing!? STOP IT!" **_"FREAK! HEAR ME!"_** "OH GOD! SOMEBODY HELP! HE IS BLEEDING!" Everything turned dark.

* * *

Fred knew where he was when he opened his eyes; many injuries leads to the hospital wing. The question is; why was he there this time? Let's see... head aching... arms sore... eyes dry and a few other things... what's happening? "I'm glad that you're finally awake mister Weasley". Fred blinked a couple of times before looking up at madam pomfrey. She looked serious but also concerned. He was aware of the fact that somebody was holding his right hand. One quick glance told him that it was his wifey. "Good morning", said he with a cheeky smile. "What did my medication do this time to send me here?" Madam Pomfrey just sighed. "There was nothing in your system that made you do this". "Do what?" asked Fred and looked over at Angelina. Her expression told him everything; his smile disappeared. _"No... they **can't** know". _ Fred tried to sit up but Pomfrey forced him to lay down again. "You lost a lot of blood, Weasley. Besides, Dumbledore and Mcgonagall are on their way to talk to you about your... _habit_ ". "And don't even deny anything!" exclaimed Angelina. You could clearly see that she had been crying. "We saw the scars!... for h-how long? Wh-why didn't you tell me?" Fred looked down and started to pick on the bandages around his arms. Pomfrey probably didn't heal his wonds completely so she would have proof. _"Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic... "._ The doors opened and a furious headmaster and a pretty afraid looking Mcgonagall entered the room. Normally, that would have made him proud, but at the moment he just felt nervous and depressed... also confused. Why are they acting so weird? "Am I in trouble?" asked Fred when they arrived at his bedside. "Because I attacked Krum in self defence and... ". Dumbledore cut him off before he could continue. "We are here to discuss another matter, mister Weasley. Yesterday miss Angelina found you bleeding from self inflicted wounds. Care to eleberate?" Fred raised an eyebrow. "What do you want me to say? She caught me at a bad time?" That was apperently the wrong thing to say. "That's not the problem, mister Weasley!", said Mcgonagall and looked everywhere but his face. Her eyes sometimes glanced at his arms; like she had to remind herself that this was real. "We're worried about you and your mental health". Fred hesitated before asking: "Have you told anyone about this? Does anyone outside this room know?" They exchanged looks before Dumbledore answered: "We and a couple of teachers. I assume that your parents don't know about this?" Fred looked down once again in shame. "I'm fine. I cut too deep on accident. It's not a big deal! They don't need to know!" The desperation in his voice got right to their hearts; they had never seen him like this before. Broken. _"They can't know! They'll hate me, I'm disgusting"._ "I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to owl your parents about this", said Dumbledore in a apologic way. Fred felt how his blood froze. "Please, don't". He looked around at them. "Don't do this! Please I beg you! Don't!" "Fred!?" Exclaimed Angelina shocked and tried to touch his shoulder but he just shrugged her off. "This is your fault!" yalled he and pushed her further away. "How could you tell them!? I thought we were friends!" Angelina started to cry again. "We _are_ friends, Freddie. I don't want to see you hurt yourself ever again". Fred turned away and crossed his arms. "It's MY body. I do WHATEVER I want with it. It's NONE of your Goddamn bussiness!" "But... !" Dumbledore cut her off as well. "Thanks for finding him but I think it's for the best if you join the rest of the class". "What? But I think I should... ". She stopped talking when he gave her a serious look. With one last try to touch Fred (without any success), she left the hospital wing with hesitant steps.

Fred still refused to met their eyes. "I'll do anything! Just don't tell them! They'll hate me, they'll... ". "They are your family, they won't hate you", assured Dumbledore but it did nothing to calm Fred down. Noticing Fred's body language, madam Pomfrey decided to get a sleeping potion ready so he wouldn't get violent and hurt himself again. "There is nothing you can do to prevent this", said she and Fred had to fight back tears. He felt empty and out of hope. "However", said Dumbledore and cleared his throat. "I give you until the end of the day to owl them yourself. We have already contacted st mungo's and a few wizards will come and get you tomorrow morning". Suddenly everything became blurry and red, like something took over his body and threw his own consciousness in a red cellar. His throat hurt from screaming and his wounds re-opened because of his violent movements and spasms. Then eveything got dark.

* * *

Potions was never a fun school subject, but it had never been so awkward before for George, Lee, Angelina and Katie. They hadn't spoken properly since the "Krum vs Fred" incident and Angelina refused to talk to anyone after she came back from looking for Fred. George didn't know why she cared so much about him, sure he did care a lot too, but he didn't treat Fred like a bloody child. Sure, he was worried when Fred didn't return to the common room, but he could take care of himself, right? "Pay attention", said Snape with his usual monotone voice. "Or else you will join the other mister Weasley for his punishment for not attending class". Angelina looked up at him with a sad look. Snape probably didn't know about what had happened to Fred, he was one of the few techers who weren't there. Probably because he was punishing another student. Or else he would have probably been one of the first ones at the scene.

Just as Snape was about to assign them with their first potion of the day, the door opened. Everyone stared at Fred in silence as he entered the classroom with an emotionless expression. He still wore the same pants from the day before but had a cleaner long sleeved shirt. If you looked closely, you could see some of the bandages sticking out. Fred looked tired, worn out and ill. His hair was messy and his eyes were red. Angelina didn't understand why Fred showed up, maybe to show everyone that he wasn't dead? What was he trying to prove?

Snape smirked. "But what do we have here? Looks like you had a _good_ night". Angelina made an embarassing sound which made everyone look at her weardly for a few seconds before their eyes turned to Fred again. She didn't want to be there, she _couldn't_. The only thing she wanted to do was stand up, take Fred's hand and walk away. Fred continued to stare at Snape without making a sound. Snape raised an eyebrow. "No smart comeback? Not even a poor excuse to cover up your mischief?" Still not saying anything; Fred walked over to Snape's desk and handed him a piece of paper. Snape frowned at him and took it. "It's not going to turn you green or anything", said Fred with a hoarse voice. "It's from madam Pomfrey". Clearly not trusting the younger male; Snape hesitently opened the small letter and read through it. The class watched in shock as their professor's face changed from his usual expression too a wide-eyed and somewhat afraid one. Snape's eyes wandered from the letter to Fred's arms, to Fred's face before going back to the letter again. Fred nodded and placed something on the desk that only Snape could see. The stolen knife. It looked like he wanted to say something to his student, but couldn't find the words. With a sigh; Fred turned around and walked towards the tables. "Over here, Fred", said Angelina in a whisper but Fred ignored her and looked around for another seat. Lee dragged him down to the chair next to him when Fred got close enough. "Don't ignore us, mate. You look horrible by the way". Fred gave him a smile without any happiness behind it. "So I look like usual, right?" "He didn't say that", said Katie but Fred just chuckled. "Well, I _am_ the weird one. I thought my look just matched my personality. You know, violent and crazy. How's Krum?" They all refused to look him in the eye. He acted so _strange_. "He's just like usual, telling everyone that you're a maniac who attacked him for no reason", answered George and chuckled. "By the way, Why did Snape get a letter from madam Pomfrey? What happened to you?" Fred ignored his last question and laughed. "I don't remember that attacking a rapist made me a maniac but it doesn't matter, right? I'M A FUCKING WRECK! RIGHT!?" Everyone turned to look at him in surprised as he continued to laugh. Snape didn't know what to do. Should he scold him or what? He had never had a depressed student before and he wasn't heartless like everyone thought. "Fred", said Angelina; barily holding herself together. "Please stop it, we're worried about you". He stopped laughing and glared at her. "Am I not allowed to laugh anymore? Do you want me to cry? Will that make me look human enough for you? You fucking ruined me, I will never forgive you". She clenched her fists and glared back. "What was I supposed to do!? What would you have done if it was me? I regret nothing! Stop trying to make me regret it!" Lee whistled. "Wow, did Angie break your heart or what?" asked he and George felt slightly better about that, but not much. Something was terribly wrong here. "Stop being such a dick, Fred". "Stop being such an idiot, George", answered Fred in a way that surprised everyone. "Am _I_ a idiot?" Asked George angrily and clenched his own fists. Fred smiled a wicked smile. "Yes, don't you think that I don't know why you smoke? Idiot, stop listening to everyone comparing us two!" George's eyes widened and Fred continued. "You are you and I am I. You are better than me. There! I said it! Can you finally believe that and stop sinking down to my pathetic level!?" Silence, awkward and uncomfortable silence. "F-Fred?" George's voice broke and he gulped. The anger disappeared; now he started to get really worried. Snape decided to cut them off. "Miss Johnsson, please escort Fred Weasley to his room. He's disturbing the class and haven't clearly been sleeping properly". Angelina nodded happily and grabbed Fred's hand and pulled him up before linking her arm with his. Both George and a Slytherin girl stood up. George looked concerned and panicked. "Can I please go with him instead? I'm his brother after all... ". "That's it? You tell him to take a nap?" said the Slytherin girl, irritated. "You're not going to give him a better punishment? Or take away points from Gryffindor?" Snape glared at her until she sat back down again with red cheeks. Fred groaned. "I'm not a little child, I can go to bed by myself by now". George looked at him with a concerned expression. Snape told him: "Only bad things happens when you two are together. Sit down or you'll get detention". George glared at him, but sat down. "Come", said Angelina and lead Fred out of there.

Fred didn't say anything as he and Angelina walked with their arms hooked. _**"She ruined your life! Fucking leave!"** "No! Shut the fuck up! She didn't know the reason. I can probably explain to her so she understand". __**"You are a fucking coward. They'll ruin everything!"**_ "Stop it. I don't need this right now". Angelina stopped walking and raised an eyebrow. "I didn't do anything", said she but he couldn't hear her because of the screaming in his head. She watched in horror as he grabbed his head like he was in pain and fell down to his knees. "Fred!?" Exclaimed she in panic and went down on her own knees to try to comfort him. "What's going on?" "It will never stop, it will never stop", whispered he as she wrapped her arms around him. "I'm trying but it won't go away, he's still _here_. What future do I have? What future?" Angelina didn't know what to say, who's he talking about? George? "You have a future, Fred. Like the joke shop with George". She started to rub his back with the palm of her hand. "No! I ruined it! I ruined it and he hates me. Everyone hates me!" Yelled he and stood up so quickly that Angelina almost fell over. "You didn't ruin anything, nobody hates you", but her words didn't help. "He told me that everyone hates me and he never lie to me!" She stood up just as quickly; not being able to believe those words. "George would never say something like that! Are you sure?" "No! Not George! HIM! He said it!" Before she could ask him about what the bloody hell he was talking about; he grabbed his head in pain again and slid down the wall. She was just about to see if he was okey when she noticed three spectators. "Please make sure he doesn't do anything stupid while I get Pomfrey", begged she before running towards the hospital wing. Hermione, Ron and Harry stared after her in silence before Fred let out a pained gasp. They looked in horror as his eyes looked without seeing, his body shook violently and he was pulling his poor hair. "What's wrong with him!?" Exclaimed Ron and knelt down next to him to try to make him stop pulling his hair. Hermione couldn't think, nor move. One of her best friends was in pain, but she didn't know what to do. What was going on!? "He might be cursed", said Harry and sat down in front of him. "Can you hear me? Are you Fred or George?" No answer, it didn't even look like he knew that they were there. "He's Fred and you might be right about him being cursed", said Hermione. She couldn't come up with a better explaination. "But why would anyone attack Fred?" Asked Ron, clearly angry at whoever dared hurting his family. "Don't even try to blame yourself, Harry", added he before Harry could open his mouth. "Do you have any better reason, Ron?" Asked he, irritated. Both Hermione and Ron hated when Harry blamed himself.

Their argument was interrupted by a pained scream from Fred. "Snap out of it!" Begged Ron and waved his hand in front of his older brother's face. Still no reaction. Hermione sat down on the ground next to Harry and wrapped her arms around Fred, which surprised both Harry and Ron. "I'm sorry that I didn't defend you yesterday when you just saved me. I was so scared... I'm sorry, please come back", begged she and started to sob. The other two didn't know what to do. Suddenly Fred's body tensed up and he stood up so the other three actually fell. They didn't have the same luck as Angelina. "There is no end", whispered he before he ran away with them yelling after him. "What he bloody hell's wrong with him?" Asked Ron but there was no one at the whole school who could answer that question.

Fred didn't stop running until he reached the potion classroom and he waited outside until most of the students, including George and the others, left the room. His eyes followed George until he was out of sight. "I'm so sorry George, your hell will end soon", whispered he before sneaking into the room. There were only a couple of students left who didn't notice him as he walked over to one of the shelves and took out one of the potions that the class had made that day. Then, he sat down at Snape's desk and looked around in the room. This wasn't how he had imagined this. Fred pulled down his sleeves and removed the bandages; he had to hurry up before Snape came back. He picked up the knife from earlier and pushed it in deeply into his wrist. The voice in his head got more and more quiet as the blood started to flow freely. He started to feel dizzy because of the bloodloss. There was no pain, even if it looked like his hand could fall off any second. Numbness, just numbness. One of the girls, someone he actually recognized from the bathroom incident, started to scream. _Now_ they noticed. More of the students started to scream when they saw what Fred was doing. The door busted open and Snape walked in with a glare. "What is happening? Why are you... ". But he stopped talking when he saw Fred with a bleeding wrist and a bottle of _poison_. "Mister Weasley", said he with his hands in the air as he took a careful step closer. Fred panicked and started to empty the content in his mouth. "NO DON'T!" But it was already too late. Fred dropped the bottle and fell down to the ground. His throat was burning and he choked on his own blood. He could feel hands on him but his vision was blurry. "Don't just stand there! Get help!" Yelled Snape (?) and started to whisper some spells while pointing his wand at Fred's spasming body. _"Never thought that I would die in your arms, Snape. This must be a lucky day for you haha. I'm sorry everyone but I can't do this anymore... I love you mom, and dad, and Bill, Charlie, Percy, Ron, Ginny... God Ginny, never trust a man... they'll just break you. George, you'll be happier without me. Hermione... Hermione, I love you. I hope Ron takes good care of you and makes sure that you eat. Angelina, I'm sorry for yelling at you... Everything will get better now, you'll see... you'll see"._


	16. Alive, but dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I've been busy. School plus my anxiety over trying to find a way to come out as trans to the rest of my family (my mom and cousin already knows).

Despite the drama with Fred, the day turned out okay for George. Only because the classes ended quicker than usual because of an emergency. Probably nothing big, just someone trying to be a prankster. Despite the fail, George had to thank the kid later, but first he had to find his (out of character) twin brother. Or wait, he didn't. Fred was probably asleep. Who knew how mad he would get if someone disturbed his beauty sleep?

But before George could go to the common room, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and looked into Mcgonagall's tired and worn out eyes. It almost looked like she had been crying, but that couldn't be right, right? "I haven't done anything, Professor". She looked at him with a pained expression. "Professor Dumbledore wants to see you and your siblings at his office as soon as possible. Pass the message on. You're not in trouble... it's... ". She covered her mouth and walked away with quick steps before he could ask her more about it. That was weird. George's face became paler and his blood turned cold. Last time something like this had happened... his dad got attacked by who-should-not-be-named's snake. Something horrible must have happened, but what? He decided to run to the common room to get Fred.

He was so stressed that he accidently ran into his little brother. Both he and Ron fell to the floor with Harry and Hermione staring at them weirdly. "You're being really weird today, Fred", snorted Ron and pushed his older brother off him. "I'm George, not Fred", answered George and stood up. "Wait, does that mean that you met him? Did he go to the common room?" Hermione stepped closer to him. "The common room?" "Yeah, Snape decided that he needed a nap". She cleared her voice and sighed. "We saw him, he seemed to have some kind of panic attack. He looked like he was cursed so Angelina left to get Pomfrey while we kept an eye on him... but he ran away, but not towards the common room". Her expression was full of guilt and concern. George was just confused. "Then, what direction did he go then?" Harry looked like he was thinking really hard before he answered; "I think to Snape's classroom. Really weird, that would be the last place he would want to be". "We just had potions", explained George. "He might have been looking for me. So Mcgonagall have probably already told him". "Told him what?" asked Ron and raised an eyebrow. "That Dumbledore wants all the Weasleys at his office as soon as possible". Ron looked at him angrily; he thought it was his and Fred's fault. "We have nothing to do with this!" Exclaimed he and threw his arms in the air. "Go and get Ginny and we'll meet there". George left before Ron could say anything, while hoping that nothing bad had happened to his parents. Not really what he should have been worried about.

* * *

It took longer than expected to gather Ron, George and Ginny in Dumbledore's office. Both Dumbledore and Mcgonagall were in the room and they didn't look happy. The opposite, they looked devastated and much older than usual. Fred wasn't there to George's surprise, but that didn't seem to matter. "We have some really troubling news", said Mcgonagall without looking at them. She almost felt a little guilty, like she could have prevented this from happening. It was her job to make sure that her students were safe and well. Where did she go wrong? "Why are we here?" Asked Ginny; looking really confused. "As you all may have noticed, classes had to end earlier today because of an emergency", Dumbledore said with a sigh. "That emergency are connected to you". All three siblings looked at each other; clearly shocked. Ron was the first one to speak. "But professor, why must me and Ginny suffer because of Fred and George's pranks". Dumbledore shook his head. "This have nothing to do with George and no one's in trouble. Yes, the emergency is about Fred because earlier this day, around the time potions were over, he tried to commit suicide". Mcgonagall's red eyes started to tear up again so she had to look away. Dumbledore just tried to keep himself steady and strong for the young ones. And the Weasley siblings? They became statues; pale and almost transparent ghosts. The professor saw how the emotions played out in their faces. First there was surprise, then confusion, then denial, then anger and at last there was sadness.

Ginny was the one who broke the silence. She started to cry and fell down to her knees. Ron looked like he still tried to grasp what Dumbledore just told him. It was hard to believe that Fred, his older brother who was a clown who always laughed and never took anything seriously, would try to kill himself. George's face was harder to read, he looked emotionless but also pained at the same time. Even if they all reacted differently, they all had the same feeling deep inside; a cold and numb feeling that spread through their bodies. George asked with a shaky and unsteady voice; "D-did... what? Th-this can't... no... not him! Someone must have tried to kill him! H-he's a-alive right? P-please tell me he's not... ". Tears started to fall down his cheeks. This can't be happening, this can't be happening. This wasn't supposed to happen! Fred couldn't be... he couldn't! Dumbledore gave the siblings a sympathetic look. "He's not dead. He's at st mungo's with your parents and he's being attended to right now. They're trying to get the poison out of his system". "POISON!?" George exclaimed and almost fell over. Wasn't that what Snape made them make? What if he drank the one George made. Dumbledore said: "I'll send you to your parents so you can see him when he wakes up and perhaps get some answers". Ron nodded. He felt numb. Is this how Harry felt every single day? Like something inside you was breaking? Why was this happening? Why?

* * *

Molly Weasley was having a nightmare, no, it was real life. The worst thing for a mom is that something bad happens to her children. How could she let this happen? Her baby was hurting and she didn't do anything. She had been crying ever since she got the message; that her Fred tried to leave her forever. How couldn't she have noticed this? How? Waiting while the healers were attending him was the longest and worst period of her life. She was crying the whole time in her husband's arms while Arthur had a blank look on his face. He tried to stay strong for her even if he wanted to break down and cry too.

Bill and Percy arrived a couple of hours after Molly and Arthur. They asked many questions that neither of them could answer. Both brothers had blank looks on their faces, which made their mom sad so she told them that it was okay to cry. Percy got mad at her and looked away, but she could still see the tears building up in his eyes. Bill however, like Arthur, tried to remain strong for his younger sibling. The burden of the oldest sibling.

A healer came out of Fred's room and Molly jumped up from her husband's lap. "How is he? How is my son!? Can we see him?" The healer was a middle aged woman whose hair was turning grey. She had a serious look on her face. "Your son will survive. His wounds will take some extra time to heal thanks to the potion but he'll be healed up in a week thanks to professor Severus Snape. But we'll have to keep him here a little longer", the healer said and the Weasleys felt relieved like a big weight had been lifted from their shoulders. But why did Fred have to stay longer? Was it something that she didn't want to tell them? It was like she could read their minds. "His body may heal but his mind will not. Keep in mind that this wasn't an accident, but an attempt at his own life. Young Fredrick have serious mental issues that goes back a while. I suggest that we keep him here for therapy until his mental state improves". Molly started to cry again. No, the nightmare wasn't over; it had just begun. Fred might have survived but he wanted to die. He could try again if he didn't get help. Bill asked with a weak voice; "Wh-why? Why him? H-he's always laughing, he's a-always happy. Why him? He h-have had a g-good life, r-right?" That only breaked the other Weasleys' hearts even more. The healer sighed. "Mister Snape suggested a curse, but there wasn't any trace of alien magic within him, except for the potion and our own healing magic. This can happen to anyone, mister Weasley. It can even be genetic. Something might even have happened without you knowing. It's impossible to tell before we get the chance to talk to him about it. We'll also make sure to help you understand his condition". It felt surreal; this couldn't be happening! At least that's what they tried to tell themselves. "Can we see him?" Arthur asked the question they all wanted answered. "He's asleep but as long as you're not disturbing him, it's alright. Normally only two of you would be allowed at the same time, but that doesn't really feel right. Giving the circumstances". She opened the door but no one dared to move. Instead of being annoyed, she knew that they needed time. "I'm not going to lie to you, the sight will shock you", she said and give them a sympathetic look. Bill nodded at her and took his mom's hand. "Let's see him. We all need to make sure that we didn't lose him". Molly nodded and let him lead her into the room.

As soon as her eyes landed on her son, she broke down again. Molly let go of Bill and fell down to the floor. Bill grabbed his shirt over his chest and backed into a wall. Fred looked dead. His skin matched the sheets he laid on, his lips were blue, he had purple bags underneath his eyes, his arms were covered in just healed cuts and his wrists were were wrapped up in thick bandages. The only sign of him being alive was the rising and sinking of his chest. "Why is there a hose in his arm?" Arthur asked; his pale face almost competed with Fred's. Molly didn't even notice when he walked into the room. The healer answered: "It's for keeping him out of pain. His wounds were pretty bad". Percy stepped into the room; his eyes were glued to his little brother's arms. "Wh-at are th-those? Why is his wrist bandaged?" It didn't surprise the healer that he wasn't familiar with self-harm, none of them seemed to be, but it made it harder for her. "Those are self-harm wounds, mister Weasley. He have more on his thighs and lower stomach. He cut his wrists open before he took the poison. And because of it, we had to use the muggle way with stitches. But even when the potion wears off, we will not remove his scars". Percy became angry. "You're lying! There is no way he would do this! Someone set him up!" "There is witnesses, like Severus snape and Professor Dumbledore", she said and Percy's shoulders sagged. "Why won't you remove them? The scars?" Arthur became angry as well. "You are supposed to heal him! Then I demand that you heal my son!" "He'll never heal until he's ready to let go of his scars himself! Besides, why should we remove them just so he can replace them? You can take away the scars, but you can't take away the pain", the healer said and left the room. She could hear the crying behind her.

* * *

As soon as George, Ron and Ginny arrived at st mungo's; George immediately ran to his twin's temporary room with his younger siblings right behind him. "George!" Ginny exclaimed but George didn't answer her. The only thing he thought about was to see Fred alive.

He didn't stop running when he saw the door because he knew that he would hesitate in fear if he slowed down and thought about it. Bill jumped in surprise as the door flew open and George came in. "Jesus bloody hell man! You scared me!" Bill exclaimed but George payed him no mind; his eyes were stuck on the living death on the bed. He hated seeing his twin brother like that. It was almost impossible to imagine that Fred, his best friend, tried to kill himself, but his arms were enough proof. George had heard about self-harming before, mostly from people who was selling him his cigarettes. Because they asked him if he smoked because he wanted to hurt himself and he answered no, but wanted to know what they meant by that. Arthur stood in the corner of the room and looked out of the window, Bill stood next to the door and Molly sat on a chair next to Fred's bed and combed through his messy hair with her soft fingers. No Charlie or Percy in sight. "Hi George", Molly said and gave him a soft smile. Her voice was raspy and worn out; she had been crying a lot. George knelt down next to Fred and caressed his cheek. "You bloody idiot", he whispered and a few tears fell down his cheeks. "Why would you do this. I... I c-can't go on w-without you. Fucking idiot. Don't try to leave me again, Freddie?" He grabbed Fred's neck and rested his forehead against his. "Wake up so I can slap the stupidity out of you". He let go of him, removed his head and started to trace his fingers over Fred's scars on his left arm. He stopped whispering. "Please... talk to me. W-wake up and t-tell me that you are okay... c-call me a s-sappy h-homo or anything!" Molly started to tear up again. "Oh George". Her voice was so full of emotions.

Ron and Ginny entered the room. Ginny immediately ran crying to her brother's bedside and buried her face in his chest. Molly started to drag her fingers through her hair too. Ron still looked emotionless; he always had a hard time showing his feelings. "Where is Percy and Charlie?" Ron asked while looking anywhere but the bed. "Charlie's still in Romania, but he'll come as soon as he can. Percy went to the restroom to throw up", Bill explained. The twins would have made fun of him for that normally, but the times were different. "Does we know how this could happen?" Ron asked; his voice was shaking because his facade was dropping. "He was depressed, had access to sharp objects and poisons", Bill answered with a shrug. "William!?" Molly exclaimed and Bill apologized for his boldness quietly. They all became quiet as a groan emerged from the body in the bed. Molly stopped her movements and both her and Ginny flew up and looked down at Fred. "He's waking up!" Ginny exclaimed happily. Arthur said something about notifying a healer and ran out of the room. George laughed with tears still falling down his cheeks. They would be okay.

"Wake up! Freak? Wake up, Freak!" Fred opened his eyes and closed them again for a couple of times to get used to the lightning in the room. "Where am I?" "Knock, knock". "Ugh, who's there?" "You're". "You're who?" "You're not dead! Fucking cunt! Can't do anything right!" Fred froze up and started to hyperventilate. "No! How? This couldn't be true! No! NO! NO! NO!" "What's wrong, Freddie?" George asked, confused. Fred looked at him with dead eyes. "Why am I alive? Why!? What did you do!? I was trying to help you! I SHOULD BE DEAD!" The other Weasleys looked at him shocked; they couldn't believe what they were hearing. "Fred!?" Molly exclaimed but got ignored. Fred sat up and looked around like a scared animal. "I shouldn't be here! I wanted to die! I want to die!" George covered his mouth and took a few steps back. "No, you don't mean that... y-you don't!" George said but Fred started to trash around while screaming that he wanted to die. "Please Fred!" Molly yelled and started to cry again. This couldn't be her baby boy. The voice in Fred's head was screaming at him; making him unable to keep up with his surroundings. His movements pulled the needle out of his arm and ripped his stitches open. "Calm down!" Bill yelled and tried to restrain Fred. "He won't leave me alone! He told me the truth! Everyone wants me dead!" "Get help!" Bill yelled at Ron who snapped away from his state of shock and ran out of the room. Bill turned to look at George. "Help me holding him down! Or he'll lose too much blood!" But he couldn't move, he couldn't even hear what Bill was saying. He could only see that his lips were moving.

Ron, Arthur and even Percy arrived with several healers. They pushed Bill away and held Fred down themselves while one of the healers prepared to sedate him. "Get out of here if you're not a healer!" One of them yelled and Arthur and Bill pushed the other Weasleys out of the room. The door closed and Percy ran off to throw up again. Molly and Ginny cried in each other's arms, Bill tried to snap George out of his trance and Arthur kicked the closest wall. "Listen to me George", Bill said and shook his younger brother's shoulders. "Talk to me, please. I know you're hurting". George pushed Bill's hands off him. "D-did you h-hear him!? I can't do this!" With that, George ran away with Bill yelling after him. "Where is he going!?" Ron yelled angrily. "Fred needs him! He... !" Bill wrapped his arms around Ron and Ron started to cry into his chest. What have happened to their family? Who was this 'he' Fred mentioned? Who dared to hurt his little brother!?

* * *

Next time Fred woke up, he was literally stuck. They had put restraints on his wrists, ankles, stomach and head. "This is unnecessary". "Really? Because of what I heard, it was completely necessary". Fred tried to look at the direction that the voice came from but the restraints prevented him from doing so. "Did I say that out loud?" Fred asked with a smirk and the other person sighed. "No, but your face said it all". "I thought that you couldn't read other people's facial expressions". "You are an exception". "Wow, I feel so special", Fred said sarcastically and chuckled like nothing was wrong. Hermione smiled at him softly while she played with his hair. "You're an idiot, you know that right?" She whispered. "You have been crying, Mione", Fred said, feeling guilty. "Why's everyone so confusing? Wasn't this the right way?" Hermione glared at him. "What makes you think that we wanted you dead? Your family are devastated! I finally stopped crying!" Fred closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry that I hurt you Hermione, but it would be for the best if I died". Hermione stopped her hand and her eyes widened. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. This doesn't sound like the Fred Weasley I know!" Fred chuckled. "Then I guess you never knew the real Fred Weasley then! The real Fred Weasley have self-harmed since he was maybe fourteen. The real Fred Weasley have debated if he should jump in front of the train every year when it's time to go back to Hogwarts. The real Fred Weasley is a fucking freak who can't do anything right. The real Fred Weasley lied about not being able to sleep when he in fact just had nightmares about bad memories. Do you remember that I would tell you how I knew that you had an eating disorder if you got better? The real Fred had anorexia when he was eleven years old". Hermione lifted her hand and slapped Fred across his face. The slap echoed in the room. He was shocked, but at the same time he wasn't. Despite the situation, he still tried to find a way to kill himself. His thoughts were interrupted by Hermione's arms around his middle. Her face was buried in his chest and her sobs created shockwaves through her body. "That won't make me like you any less", Hermione whispered and Fred's eyes widened. Some of her hair laid on his face. It smelled slightly like apples. He couldn't help but breathe in deeply through his nose. Fred wished that she could look him in the eyes. He needed to see her warm brown orbs. "But she doesn't love you, she loves Ron". Hermione raised her head from his chest and looked into his eyes; just like he wished for. But now when he had eye contact with her; he felt unworthy and worthless. "She deserves so much more... I'm broken". "I need you Fred", Hermione whispered and kissed his forehead. "I'm so glad that you're alive".


	17. Starting the journey of recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I study psycology but I'm NOT a professional. If I mention mental illnesses that I don't have, I might not be fully accurate. Don't use the internet to self-diagnose yourself. That won't help you, just make you lost and offend those who actually have it. I thought I was bipolar once (stupid boy). Btw, this whole story is a trigger warning. That should be obvious by now and I MIGHT feature smut, but only consensual. I have this weird obsession with concent (sue me... plz no)

Hermione was still there next time he opened his eyes. She slept with her head on his chest with one hand tightly wrapped around his own. He wanted to play with her soft hair, but he was still restrained. So annoying. He was much more calmer now! Fred suddenly felt sick to his stomach when he thought back to the memories of when he first woke up there. The looks on his family's faces almost made him cry. Why did he have to break down like a baby in front of them? George's expression was the worst. Fred hurt him so much. _"I'm the worst human being... okay, right after you-know-who, but does he even count as a human by now?"_

The door opened and a young female healer entered the room. "Are you feeling okay now, mister Weasley?" Asked she and Fred nodden; glad that she didn't ask the stupid question: "How are you feeling?" Frankly, he still felt like shit but not as much as before (thanks Granger). The healer walked up to his bedside table. She had a tray with a glass of water and one pill. Just one, and it looked bloody ridiculous because she could've just carried them with her hands. Must have been some kind of clean policy or something like that. The healer put down the tray on the nightstand. "Are you going to behave yourself, mister Weasley, or are we keeping the restrains on?" Fred smirked and said: "I can't promise that I'll behave, but I'll try to not throw a tantrum again". She rolled her eyes and started to remove his restraints. "You'll be restrained for eight hours if you freak out again, understand?" She asked and Fred gulped and nodded. The healer was scary. The healer picked up the glass and handed it to the boy. "You'll have to take one of these pills everyday to help with your massive bloodloss. Another healer will come up with your food and then take you to your first session with a psycologist. Don't look at me like that, it's your fault that you are here". Fred looked down with an ashamed expression. _**"Who can be so bad at life and at death at the same time? Fucking idiot".**_ Fred groaned and put the glass down before picking up the pill; he didn't want Hermione to let go off his other hand because he needed the moral support from his sleeping beauty (she told him the story about Sleeping Beauty once). "This is not going to mess my head up, right?" He asked skeptically while taking a closer look at the small capsle between his thumb and index finger. "It's just iron", she murmured and crossed her arms. "I'm not allowed to leave until you have taken it. You'll probably get a lot of pills later on so get used to it". Fred sighed and put the pill in his mouth and swallowed it with the water. It felt weird to fill his empty and sore stomach with just slightly cold water. When did he last eat? The healer nodded, took the glass and the tray and left the room. It felt unreal, everything did, but Fred didn't really know the difference between reality and his imagination most of the time. Probably because of his sleeping pattern. Hermione groaned and moved her head in his sleep. Fred blushed when he noticed how close her head was to his crotch. "Time to wake up, Mione", he said with a gentle voice and nudged her awake. She sat up straight without letting go of Fred's hand (which had fallen asleep) and blinked a couple of times like a kitten who had just woken up. Fred thought she looked adorable. Hermione turned her head to look at him. Even though the lack of sleep was evident in her face and her hair was messy like a bird's nest; she looked absolutely stunning in his eyes. And no matter how "ugly" she could look, he would always be uglier within. She said: "Have you been up for long, Fred?" "Not really, but breakfast will arrive soon and then I'll meet the mental doctor". She quickly glanced at his arms before looking at him again. She probably thought that he hadn't seen it, but he did. He decided not to mention it though, that conversation would make her cry again. "Are you nervous?" She asked and Fred shrugged. "Not yet anyway... Hermione?" He said her name nervously. "What is it Fred?" "Where is my family?" The question threw her off; she hadn't expected him to bring them up, but she could understand why. He looked like a vurnable child who needed his mom. "Your parents must have gone home before you woke up, they were here after you fell asleep. Percy and Bill went to meet up with Charlie, so they'll probably come over later and Ginny and Ron are at the borrow with Harry and your parents probably. They're not ready to go back to school yet". she answered. He fiddled with his blanked. "And George?" he asked; sounding weak and nervous. Hermione didn't answer. What was she supposed to say? That George ran away and was brought home by their parents? That he refused to come back and visit Fred? "He hates me, doesn't he?" Fred asked sadly and clenched the sheets harder. "Why wouldn't he? There are many reasons for it! Like how I'm a lying fuckup, how I treated him or how a horrible brother I've been to him. You all hate me, I only mess everything up. How much did my parents have to pay for this? I should have just... ". "Don't you dare say that you should've died!" Hermione cut him off angrily and grabbed the collar of his shirt. "We're all happy that you're alive! Nobody hates you, just whatever made you think that suicide was the answer! George isn't here because of cowardness, it's not about you!" Fred became angry as well and removed her hands from his shirt. "You didn't see what I saw. I've caused him so much pain so he can't be around me anymore... maybe it's for the best t-too". Hermione stopped being angry, but a male healer entered the room before she could say something. The male looked quite young and he was carrying a tray with food. "Good morning, Weasley! I'm Hima. Time to eat!" The guy was way too happy for the other two's liking. The healer put down the tray on Fred's lap. There was something familiar about this man, but Fred couldn't tell why. "My college will be here in a minute with a wheelchair that we'll use to take you to Bob with. So eat up, buttercup!" "I never thought that someone here would hit on me", Fred commented and Hima laughed. "I'm glad to see that you haven't lost your sense of humor, mister Weasley". Hima looked at Hermione. "Visiting hour's over, but you can stay until he have eaten". Fred looked up with his mouth full of food and murmured: "I'm not a baby". He winced slightly when he accidently rubbed his sore arm on the covers; a painful reminder. Hermione just sat there in silence as Fred ate. No one dared to say anything, probably because Hima was in the room. She understood that he needed to be there to make sure that Fred was eating his food (and perhaps not hurting himself with the utensils), but she needed to continue speaking with Fred in private. Fred was depressed, she saw that now, and it scared her to death (no pun intended). _Death_ ; she hated that word more than ever.

Hima took the plate when Fred was done. "You can come back later, miss Granger", he said and opened the door for her and then followed her out of the room. Silence; the room was silent. Fred had to stop himself from begging them not to leave him alone, because silence is like a blank paper; you can fill it with whatever you want (or don't want). _**"You're wasting their time. You should just try to end it now before they come back".**_ "Even I'm not that stupid to try that at st mungus; a place where they can just save me again". _**"But they don't care about you. You're a**_ ** _nuisance to them"._** "I know, but that doesn't matter! It's their bloody job, they get paid to _save lives._ Besides, the healer will be back in a second. I don't have enough time!" _**"Too bad they're forced to take care of you. Will you ever grow up or are you going to stay a baby forever?"**_ "I didn't ask for this!" The door opened again and Hima walked in while pushing a wheelchair. He looked confused. "Who are you talking to?" He asked and Fred didn't know what to say. When did he start to talk out loud when he speak to _him?_ Fred hadn't even noticed. Hima's expression turned to his usual smile again. He rolled the wheelchair to a spot next to the bed. "Time to go, do you need to take a piss before your session?" He asked and Fred shook his head. Hima helped him up from the stiff bed and into the wheelchair. "Why are my legs so numb?" Fred asked. "Because of fatigue and lots of drugs", Hima answered and rolled him out of the room.

Fred was silent until they arrived to an office a few stories up. Hima knocked on the door and a voice said; "Come in!" Before Hima wheeled Fred into the room. The "brain doctor" looked pretty young and... stoned. The young man looked like one of those "hippie" people (like the muggles liked to call them) and Fred would have tried to annoy him if he didn't feel so empty. "You must be Fred Weasley, how are you feeling? I'm Bobba", the hippie jumped down from his desk, walked up to Fred and extended his hand towards him. Fred just frowned at him and Hima saw right away that they shouldn't have given Bobba a second chance at not making people want to kill themselves more. Why did they have to feel bad for him? "Do you want me to stay in the room, Weasley?" Hima asked and Fred quickly nodded. Bobba looked offended, but continued like nothing had happened. "I can take care of my own patients!" He whined and Hima sighed before saying; "I'll be standing in the corner" and walked over to a ugly beanbag. Fred didn't like this at all. Why would he ever trust this guy? Is this all a joke to them? Bobba rolled Fred closer to his desk and sat on it wih crossed legs. "You don't need to see me as your superior and boring adult, you can see me as your buddy. You can call me Buddy Babba". "I refuse to call you that", Fred said while glaring at him. Bobba didn't stop smiling; he was probably used to that kind of response. "How are you feeling today?" No answer. "What's your favorite hobby?" Again; no answer, but Bobba didn't give up. "What do you think about when I say the word frog?" _"Your face"._ Bobba seemed to become desperate when Fred just kept silent. He pouted and said; "You're full of negativity and agression. That's not good". "Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Of course I'm full of negativity, I wouldn't have been here if I wasn't. Besides, everyone gets agressive when they're around you". Hima muffled his laugh. Bobba said; "You don't mean that". "Yes I do. Do you even know why I'm here?" Fred asked and crossed his arms. Hima prepared himself to step in when he saw how hard Bobba had to think. Bobba seemed to think that Fred was there because of anger issues and Hima silently begged that Bobba would just look down at the younger boy's arms before he made the situation worse. No such luck though. "If you don't stop being so moody, I won't be able to help you", Bobba said and Fred just wanted to rip that pout from his face. "Aren't you supposed to help me not being _moody_ then? Or do you need me to do your job for you? Are you some kind of joke? It's not funny", Fred said and Bobba almost lost it. "I'm not a joke, I'm trying to help! So wipe off that negative expression and smile!" Fred looked away from him and clenched his fists tightly. But Bobba wasn't done with him yet. "Moody people attempt to kill themselves, you know. I should be your hero for trying to save you from that!" Hima stood up. "Bobba, it's enough", but it clearly wasn't. Bobba crossed his arms and his pout made him resemble a smug duck. "You should be thankful that I take time to try to save your ungrateful as". Fred snapped, he grabbed the collar of Bobba's shirt and tugged him down so his face was just in front of his own. "You have probably caused more suicides than prevented them! Talking to you only make me wish that I didn't survive even more! Do you know what you make me want to do? I have planned several ways of killing myself this whole time! What would you prefer? That I slit my wrists with your quill, jump out of the window or strangle myself with my own bandages?" "It's enough!" Hima yelled and dragged Fred away from the now sobbing man. "I'm so sorry for bringing you here, Weasley", he said and wheeled the suicidal and angry boy out of there.

* * *

"I heard the story from Hima", said the middle aged man who sat in front of Fred. Fred didn't really trust men in general, but this man felt better than the last one. The man, Jules, continued; "Bobba is the son of our boss. He have never been able to help a patient and he have even said things that made them commit suicide. He had a mental breakdown and suffered a 24 hour long psychosis because of drugs. This was his last chance, at least that was what our boss said, but I'm sure he just wanted someone to show Bobba that he isn't ready yet". "So, you used me? Is that all I'm worth?" Fred asked and tried to hold back his tears. His feelings were worth nothing, they just used him to get rid of an annoying college. Fred felt so let down and worthless. He wanted to hurt himself so badly. "The medicinal apartment did, that's why I was booked in to talk to you afterwards. We care about you and are upset because we let them do that to you. You probably won't trust us because of this, it's understandable. We don't need to talk about anything today. I'll just give you two a few papers to fill in. Think before answering, this is important for your recovery". Jules placed a few sheets of paper, ink and a quill on the table in front of Fred. Numbly and hesitently, Fred picked up the quill and started to read the questions:

**Do you feel down most of the time?**

**Yes**

_**"Don't fucking everybody? You're not special!"** _ "I know, I know. Shut the fuck up so I can concentrate... ".

**Are things you used to be really interested in feel barily interesting at all?**

**Kinda?**

_**"It's yes or no questions, bloody idiot".** _ "What am I supposed to answer then!?" Jules cleared his throat and sighed. "For how long have the voice bothered you?" He asked and Fred's head snapped up to look at him with wide eyes. "Do you hear him too!?" No one had never heard the voice before, except for Fred himself. Jules shook his head. "No but you're talking to it from time to time. Hima heard you speak to it earlier and a few other healers have vitnessed that you're talking to someone who's no there. Tell me more about the voice". Fred became curious now, why did he have such an interest in the voice? "He's my councience. Everyone have one, mine's just a little more aggressive". That really got Jules attention. "How do you know it's a he? And how is he aggressive?" He asked and Fred shrugged. "I don't know how I know that. I never questioned about it and he didn't seem to mind. He makes sure that I know when I do wrong and that I get punished for it". "Does he hurt you, Fred?" Fred felt a lump form in his throat, but also like his heart felt lighter. Jules asked the question again and Fred answered; "He doesn't have a body. Verbally, yeah, but I deserve it. That's one of the reasons to why I started to cut". "One of the reasons?" Jules asked and Fred immediatly shut his mouth. He had said too much. But the voice was silent.

* * *

Fred felt exhausted when he came back to his room. His eyes had finally stopped being red from crying and he felt numb. Everything felt complicated and he hated it. Why did Jules want to talk about **him** so much? Fred didn't know what to feel, he just wanted to stop feeling, thinking, _breathing_ alltogether.

He almost cried again when the door opened and Bill, Charlie and Percy came into the room. Their expressions were unreadable but their eyes looked sad and almost _dead_. Charlie ran towards his bedside while Bill and Percy walked slowly. _**"They might catch you crazyness if they get too close! HAHAHAHA! Get it!?"** "That wasn't even clever". _Charlie sat down next to him and smiled a kind smile. "Hi Freddie. I would have come earlier if I could. I'm sorry for being so late". Fred forced a smile. No one dared to make this moment emotional. "And people say that _I'm_ not realible", Fred joked and Charlie rolled his eyes. "Don't flatter yourself", he said and the other two brothers chuckled before Percy said; "Mom and dad will come by later with Ginny. They didn't think that you would be comfortable with too many people in the room at the same time. The golden treo plus Angelina and your other classmates will come by too, but I don't know when. They really miss you at school". Fred scoffed. "I think the school can survive without my pranks for a while longer. Besides, I'll probably be forced to stay here for a while". Fred suddenly became more timid, and not because of the way his brothers constantly stared at his arms when they thought that he didn't notice. "And George?" The question removed the smiles from his brothers's faces and they looked around the room. They couldn't even look at him. _"George hates me"._ "Have I ruined our friendship forever?" Fred asked; sounding a lot like a little child. He wasn't the only one fighting tears; the other three swallowed frequently like they had sour pills stuck in their throats. Fred continued; "I hurt him so much before, he must hate me for all this now". "He doesn't hate you", Bill said with a shaking voice. "This is just very hard for him. He's just... afraid". This would have been much easier if George had come with them. "Is he afraid of me?" Asked Fred and laughed a sad laugh. He yawned before anyone could answer him. "I think I'm going to sleep until mom and dad comes. I'm tired. Sorry for not being more social". Fred laid down more comfortably and turned his back towards them. "We understand", Bill said and started to walk towards the door. "Don't worry about it", Percy chimed in. Everyone thought the same thing: "Don't cry, be strong. Just a few seconds left before you can break down". However, their plans were interrupted by Charlie who couldn't take it anymore. Sure, his brothers had warned him about the sight but nothing could prepare him for this. Fred could have _died._ And the wounds on his arms? He made them _himself._ Charlie started to cry as he wrapped his arms around his younger brother. "D-don't cry!" Fred exclaimed. "I-I'm not worth y-your tears... I-I". Fred also burst out crying and hugged Charlie back. They probably hadn't done this since they were little children. Bill and Percy also started to cry, but only Percy broke down. Bill tried to look strong even if tears fell down his cheeks. The room was full of sounds and emotions. The voice was silent.

Charlie sat up straight after a couple of minutes of crying. He cupped Fred's cheeks with his hands and wiped away his tears with his thumbs. "You're a bloody idiot", he whispered and Fred couldn't help but whisper; "Well, we are related". Bill chuckled. "Even in situations like this, you joke like nothing is wrong. I admire you, but don't pretend in front of us. Not anymore". Fred nodded. Could he really stop lying? He had kept this up for so long. This would be hard.

* * *

The uneasy feeling the three oldest Weasley children had before they entered Fred's room didn't reduce after the visit. Not at all, it actually grew slightly. Seeing him like that didn't only make the situation more real, but hearing him talk so _darkly_ made them more _scared_. Fred was broken and they didn't know what to do. He needed help, but not only their's. Charlie looked at his brothers. "We have to talk to George. Fred won't believe that we all support him if his best friend refuses to see him".


	18. Finally, you and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, don't be stupid and self-diagnose yourself after reading this chapter. ONLY a proffessornal can give you a diagnosis and it's common that you think you have something when you read about it. Trust me, I thought I was bipolar once because I read about it and took online tests. I was so stupid, don't make my mistake! This is fiction, not facts. If you have these diagnoses, I'm so sorry for this

A little more than one week after Fred's suicidad attempt, mr and mrs Weasley sat in their son's psycologist's office. Fender Jules looked serious; he was trying to prepare himself. Molly and Arthur sat uneasy on their uncomfortable seats. They were glad that they would finally get some answers regarding their son's mental health, but they were also nervous because that it was most likely bad news. Jules didn't look like he was going to say something to ease their pain. "We still have to investigate, but we have some strong theories about Fred that we really think are correct", Jules began to say and wet his lips. The couple prepared themselves for the worst. "Except for showing strong signs of chronic depression and anxiety, we have detected strong symptoms of schizophrenia and possibly borderline personality disorder". Arthur and Molly exchanged a confused look before looking at Jules again. "What does that mean?" Arthur dared to ask with his raspy voice. It was pretty early in the morning so he was still tired. Jules cleared his throat before explaining: "We decided to diagnose Fred with depression because of, not only his self-harming behavior and attempt at his own life, but because of the talks he have with me where he speaks about his low self-esteam and constant sadness and apathy. He shows signs of anxiety because of his fidgeting, stressed out behavior and frequent panic attacks. That much is clear, but I believe that I have to teach your more about the other disorders, in case it turns out that your son suffers from them", Jules said. Molly hated this, she hated this life right now. "Schizophrenia is a disorder that makes you see the reality differently. Main symptoms are that you have psykoses, which means a heavy version of hallucinations. You can see, hear and even feel things that aren't really there". Both Molly and Arthur were taken over by a numb, but cold, feeling and Molly felt like she was about to cry again. "Wh-why do you th-think th-that my s-son have th-that?" She asked. Did he call her son _crazy?_ Jules sighed. "Fred says that he hears a voice that's talking to him. I think it's the main cause of his mental health issues. Before you ask, no, no one cursed him. Many people get this, muggles and witches and wizards alike". Jules put two foulders with papers on his desk in front of the couple. "This is basic information about both schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder so you can read through them to learn about your son's condition. You can ask me if there's something you don't understand". Hesitently, Arthur picked up one of the foulders and looked at Jules suspiciously. "You didn't tell us why you think that Fred have bordeline something". Jules said; "A lot of the symptoms fits in on him. We'll see if he have bipolar disorder, PTSD and maybe some sort of eating disorder. He's underweight, but claims that it's mostly because of his depression and not body image". Molly's hands started to shake as she picked up the other folder and started to read in silence. Arthur started to read his as well.

**_ Borderline Personality disorder _ **

_Borderline personality disorder is an emotional instability that often changes from different moods. Not to be confused with bipolar disorder where your state of mind changes in different periods._

_Usual symptons are:_

_1\. Strong fear of being left behind._

_2\. Defect, ruined or instable self image._

_3\. A frequent feeling of emptyness._

_4\. Powerful moodswings._

_5\. Strong irritation, anxiety or sadness that can stay from a few hours to a few days._

_6\. Stormy relationships that goes back and forth between intence admiration and extrem patronizing._

_7\. Intensive wrath that doesn't stand in propotion to whatever wakes it._

_8\. Short term suspicious performances or ongoing experiences of doubting reality._

_9\. Impulsive behavior that can lead to abuse of drugs, sex, money, food and more._

_10\. Self-destructive behavior like self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Ongoing self-harming and frequent suicide attempts._

Molly felt a huge lump form in her throat. Attempts, not  _one_ attempt, but more. Would Fred continue self-harming and try to kill himself!? She knew that she would never be able to go through that again. What if he actually succeeds!? Arthur didn't have a better time reading the other file.

** Schizophrenia **

_Schizophrenia is a form of psycosis, when you live throught reality in another way than other people. Schizophrenia lasts at least six months but often stays througout life. It's most in common that the symptons become more bearable after a few years._

_Usual symptons are:_

_1\. Have an painful feeling that you're drastically changing within and you don't know who you are anymore._

_2\. Withdraw from being social, from family and friends._

_3\. Loss of will to study or work for long periods without any explanation._

_4\. Seems to have a different experience of reality. Like seeing or hearing things that doesn't exist._

_5\. Spend long periods with thinking about life in a depressive or anxious way._

_6\. Gets several unexplanable emotional outbursts._

Only one thought clouded Athur's mind; keeping him from having his own outburst. He voiced it out loud with his teeths pressed together; "How did Fred react to this?" Once again, Jules cleared his voice. "When I told him that I suspected that he had Borderline and then told him what it was, he answered that it pretty much was him in a nutshell". Molly vicibly gulped. Her baby, why him? Jules continued. "When I told him about the other disorder however, he became quiet. Then he looked at me with an expression full of confusion, fear, horror... but also a huge sense of relief and doubt. Something I was not suprised to see. Then he asked me to tell him more".

* * *

Lee picked up another card from the bag and started to read out loud; "I hope that you're feeling better, we miss you at school xoxoxo". Fred almost choked on his food when he chuckled. Angelina had to hit his back hard and Katie looked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world. That was a look that Fred recieved rather often these days; they thought that he was stupid for trying to die. He didn't understand it though. "Who was the letter from?" Angelina asked and Lee shrugged. "Some Layla chick or something. Another complete stranger I assume". Fred asked: "Why do I get all this from people who are total strangers?" and pointed at the huge mountain of chocalate, letters and other things from Hogsmeade. It did annoy him a little that everyone only showed concern because they probably felt like they almost had his blood on their hands. Luckily, it didn't seem like the girls who almost... well, the girls from the bathroom incident sent anything (like threats for his silence or something like that). However he didn't know their names so they might as well had sent fake sympathy to him, and that made him even more annoyed. Lee smirked. "Maybe they all are in your head?" Katie yelled at Lee and Angelina hit him hard on the back of his head. Fred shrugged. "You can see them too, so I doubt it".  _In your head._ Fred still had a hard time believing it; how can hearing and seeing things that doesn't exist be normal? Okay, normal may be a wrong way to explain it. It's not like the average human hears voices.  _ **"But you're not the average human, are you?"** "You're not real".  **"I'm real for you, so does it really matter?"** "... ".  **"You are sick, but I'm not part of the problem. YOU are".**_ Fred groaned. "I'm sorry", Lee said. "That was a low blow". Fred nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. But what are we supposed to do, eh? Joking about me being nuts are our way of dealing with it". "You being nuts won't get rid of us though", Katie said. "Oliver told us to tell you that from him as well". Fred scratched his neck nervously. "I'm kicked out of the team, aren't I?" He said, but Angelina shook her head. "No, but we have a temporary replacement until you're well enough". "He should kick me out though, no way the teachers's gonna let me ride on a broom again", Fred said and his friends became quiet. Fred being on suicide watch was the elephant in the room. He kept his arms under the covers so they would stop glaring at his wounds (and to make him less tempted to rip them open). "Why are you all still here anyway? I'm not good to be around", Fred said and looked down at the ugly cover. "There is no reason for me to lie anymore when I'm technically stripped naked in front of you. I'll just bring you all down with me". Angelina grabbed his shoulders violently. "I don't know what ridicolous thoughts are smashed into that thick and stubborn skull of yours, but listen real closely!" She shook him until he looked up at his three glaring friends, gulping.  _ **"They should be mad at you! They have to leave you!"**_ "When you agree to be friends with someone, you sign a contract. If you sign that contract, you are willing to accept the flaws as well. WE signed that contract, and we won't leave you!" Angelina yelled in his face. "Yeah! Get that through your head!" Katie said and Lee nodded. "So stop trying to get out of YOUR end of the contract! We won't allow you to leave us". Suddenly Angelina stopped being angry and let go of Fred's pale shoulders. She was just about to say something when the door opened and the third part of the golden treo entered the room. Fred's eyes brightened up when they landed on Hermione and Hermione smiled at him gently. Angelina looked from Fred to her with a knowing smile and ruffled Fred's hair. "We have to go back, take care of yourself wifey", She said and dragged Lee and Katie out of there. Hermione walked right over to Fred and sat down beside him. They had fought a lot during his stay at st Mungus, but they always smiled when they saw each other.  _"She deserves someone less broken than me... you know that you're pathetic when your OWN thoughts thinks that". **"You sound pretty sane for once".**_ "I have managed to gain more weight this week", Hermione said and Fred wrapped one arm around her; forgetting for a moment about the damaged skin. "I'm proud of you, how are you feeling about it though". Hermione looked away from him. "I was thinking and concluded that making me thinner won't make me more appealing. And frankly I don't mind that. Of course it feels wrong, but I just have to manage through it. I think my guilt helped me alot". Fred raised an eyebrow. "Guilt?" "Yeah, that the shattered one tried to help the broken one. I didn't help you like I should". "Please don't say that Hermione", Fred said with a weak voice. But she didn't seem to hear him. "I mean, my biggest problem is my waist while you actually have real problems! You were on your deathbed two weeks ago and have almost four confirmed diagnoses, FOUR! Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't leave you even if you had one hundred dioagnoses that gave you giant warts, five hands and a striped tail, but I should have been a better friend! I-I shou... ". Fred cupped her cheeks and pushed his lips against hers. Her eyes widened as he tilted his head.  _"Fuck it! What have I left to lose?"_ Hermione closed her own eyes and buried her hands in his newly washed hair (she had expected it to be greasy, but the healers probably forced him to take a shower). She tilted her head and parted her lips slightly so he could push his tounge in her mouth. Fred pulled her to him so she was straddling his lap. Hermione placed her hands on his shoulders and he placed his around her back and pulled her closer. Fred kept all thoughts out of his head so he could enjoy himself; this might've been his only chance. Only the positive feelings could stay. It felt like he had finally been fed after years of starvation. The self-loathing, respinsibilities, insecurities, self-harm itch, thoughts about George and more left his head and for the first time in a long time... he started to feel a little more  _human_.

Hermione pulled away when Fred yelped in pain because his stitches got tangled in her hair. "Oh I'm sorry!" She said, mortified, and started to try seperating them. "Ouch be careful Granger!" Fred glared at her and started to try pulling himself free with his other hand. "You're pulling my hair, Weasley!"

It took a couple of minutes before they managed to seperate with Hermione's hair still attached to her head and Fred's stitches still intact. They looked at each other before they burst out laughing. "It's kind of messed up that this is funny to us", Hermione said and rested her forehead on his. "I'm not hurting you with my weight, am I?" Fred laughed and pecked her forehead. "You don't weight so much. Joking about this kind of stuff makes it all easier. I kinda like you being on top of me". Fred wiggled his eyebrows and Hermione blushed and hit his shoulder lightly. "You're lucky that you're cute, Weasley". Fred chuckled. "Why does people only call me cute when they're threatening me like this?" Hermione thought that she imagined the look in Fred's eyes when he said  _threatening._ She laid down on his chest with her head right above his heart. He wrapped one arm around her and played with her hair with the other hand. "Does this mean that I can finally call you my girlfriend?" Fred asked nervously and Hermione chuckled. "Finally? For how long have you liked me?" Despite how calm she looked, she was burning up. Red cheeks, boiling blood, violently beating heart and a doubtful feeling because she couldn't believe that this was happening to her. "I don't know", Fred answered honestly. "For a very long time at least. For how long have you liked me back?" "I think it started around the time we starting to talk to each other", Hermione answered before her eyes widened. "Oh my God, I'm sorry! You have tried to help me with my love problems with Ron while you... ". "It's alright Hermione", Fred assured and buried his face in her hair. "So... ?" "So yes, I agree to being your girlfriend. But then I want you to be honest with me and don't be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings. Our  _therapy_ _sessions_ can't be one-sided if this is going to work". Fred didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. Then he said: "I can't promise that I'll tell you everything at the same time. I will tell you, but in my own pace. I do trust you, but... ". "It's okay, I understand", she said with a assuring smile. Fred felt really happy, and for once he didn't feel bad about being happy either.


	19. FYI (Not a new chapter)

I'm not giving up on this story, I'm just leaving it for the moment. I'm thinking about deleting it to reupload it again after i've edited it and such. I've had a lot of different ideas but neither time inspiration for this one. I've been both busy and my mental illness haven't been the best. But as a self proclaimed king of angst; I will never stop torturing my favorite characters! I'm sorry, but I'll give more info in the future


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